Wednesday, 2 November 2011


Too often satanists celebrate halloween by actively trying to piss off christians, whilst this is as fun as it is funny, we have taken a stand to make halloween more trans-religious. We would normally at halloween kill a few goats, drink their blood, summon some demons and run amok.
however this halloween we decided not only pump money into the local community but also annoy another chunk of the populace by buying sacred halal goats heads. They might not have been that sacred but lets pretend they were.
they didn't have much blood in them but we assumed that they would still be good objects to summon demons with by setting them alight with the fires of belial.
they weren't.

we got good vibes from the first goat's skull when we got him to the house. He was definitely not stunned before slaughter and gave off a sort of 'i would be a good aide to summon demons with' air.
We needed them both to be too, we'd invited loads of satanic sluts and other wizards to come to our temple so we could show off our summoning skills.

There was some minor conjuring for a while where the skull floated around the inner sanctum granting wishes, but only if the wish was ' I want to see a floating halal goat skull '

shortly afterwards they broke into flame of their own accord and started screaming their intentions to not allow us to summon demons because we weren't awesome enough wizards. then breathing fire on us whenever we tried to hit them into shutting up.

so in the end we were shown up by the halal goats heads because they were too imbued with the power of halal. next time we will stick to goats that have been killed in the traditional christian manner; in a church, by jesus, at christmas. talking of christmas we plan on trans religioning that too. the current plan is scientologistmas. but that may change. watch this space...

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

We have a new intern...

Its a 3000 year old Buddhist statue of a golden satanic bird monster throwing the horns that currently resides in the British museum.
All criteria for joining had been filled, it didn't need to even apply for a position with us, it received an honorary one.
So if you want to be our next team member just keep the following points in mind to be considered for an internship.
- throw the horns a lot.
- be over 1000 years old.
- preferably be made of gold/purest black.
- live in a glass box in a centuries old British institution
- be a satanic bird monster.

Previous interns have gone on to high paying positions in the BBC, Pricewaterhousecoopers, John Lewis and the Seventh Circle of Hell so get involved. Today!

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Bleeding Our Souls and the Moroccan Goats of Damnation

Goats are generally accepted to be the worst blokes at the best of times.
When they aren't trying to eat an item of your clothing, they're kicking off about nothing in particular. Shouting nonsense and the like.

Unacceptable behaviour.

Well with this in mind consider the level of mischief that occurs when a legion of these hairy bastards joins up with the forces of darkness. Shit gets real. fast.
Fortunately for most of us (not Moroccans) the only place you can come face to face with these sentinels of farmyard crime is the island of Morocco.

They do all their sentinelling from up in trees. Apparently.

When we got word of these interesting evil goats, we decided to pay them a visit and exchange wisdom. Obviously we have much to impart, and as the only evil goats we have ever heard of we can only imagine they would have some hints and tips to increase our satanic efficiency two or maybe even three fold.
The journey took fifteen weeks by foot, canoe and paddle steamer and when we arrived in the valley of Kalak ta'un where the goats reside there was much rejoicing.

Pictured; Much Rejoicing

We managed to find the mysterious and oft smoke filled swamp that the evil Goats of Christmas Past inhabit and screamed some corrupted hymns into the sky to hopefully cast good fortune upon the upcoming meeting.

The goats were holding a secret meeting to discuss their next act of global terrorism underneath their historic Tree of Decision, we crept up so as not to spook them and attempted to introduce ourselves/put upon them just a slice of our three tiered cake of Satanic knowledge.

Unfortunately the goats were uppity fucks and decided that they knew more than us, they didn't even hang around to hear the end of our pre-written soliloquy.

We left feeling pretty miserable, fifteen weeks travel down the drain, countless monies from the bleedingoursouls hedge fund wasted, favours that could have been spent on painting national monuments black were unecessarily called in for nothing.
None of us had ever been swimming before, because evil satanic wizards are infamously hard to teach to swim because all they are interested in is casting spells and drinking blood. But many a mortal had said how much fun it is. So in this moment of real depression, we decided to have a go at swimming. To see if it'd cheer us up.

Nah, its shit.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Attempting to re-start the First World War via the medium of stickers.

The First World War may have been the world's most goffick war. It's not certain, there have been lots of very death metal wars, the most notable being the innumerable viking wars where huge axes, ridiculous helmets, full corpse paint and probably capes with upside down crosses on them were prevalent. However thanks to the sheer misery it caused to everybody even slightly involved and the fact that because of the mud everywhere it sort of looked like everybody had corpse paint on, we deem WW1 the most Satastic (thats fantastically satanic.)

plus look at this shit they were driving about. It's as if we fucking sponsored the whole thing.

With this in mind we decided to do everybody a favour and get the whole thing going again, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that it's still only on a ceasefire or something?
I might have made that up.
Whatever. It means that it'll not take much to re-start it.
'As little as sticking bleeding our souls stickers to lamp posts near famous national monuments in the countries of the bad guys?' I hear you cry. Well we hope so because thats what we did. We assume that the bad guys, being the bad guys, will be more easily wound up than the good guys.

They'll be all like 'Who stuck all these Satanic stickers everywhere? fuck.'
and then they'll be like 'I bet it was those dickbars we had that ceasefire with that time back in the olden days, remember? that big war? yeah. right. It's back on, man. I'm so pissed off right now. I hate satanic stickers.'
And then we'll be like 'Sah-weeet' and rub our hands together with malicious glee.

Basically though we didn't do any particular research on who fought in the first world war but the Germans were definitely involved and we watched Gallipoli the other day so now know that the Turkish were involved in some capacity too.
(if you've never seen the film Gallipoli here is the trailer with Bryan Adams over the top of it)



So now sit back, relax, and wait for the first world war.

Monday, 6 June 2011

George W. Bush & The Satanic Pact of Awesomeness

George W. Bush; Artist, maverick, poet and all round role model to the budding satanist.
Born into abject poverty in the midst of the Great Depression young George and his family would try to survive by finding anything they could to eat in the tumbledown farmsteads of southern Texas. One day a travelling preacher came passing through the area the Bush brigade were camped and told them fabulous stories of the power of Jesus and the temptations of Satan. Little George ignored the Jesus stuff and immediately focussed on what Lucifer could do for him instead. He gave the dark one a call by sacrificing a local goat. He requested riches and power for his family and that is what he got. This is because Satan bloody delivers. Since then he has been a friend to the fledgling Satanist movement throughout his amoral political career. Arguably making us the powerful force for change we are today. He keeps his precious Satan-given powers by praising Satan via hand signals whenever a camera is turned on him or his family.

His wife is on board too.

So is his slamming daughter.

He even snuck in a cheeky horn throw when he got to meet the queen. What a trooper.

Since his meteoric rise to fame and his universal popularity that has been a consequence of it, other figures in the public eye have followed his lead and also allied themselves to the Lord of the Underworld.

The pope joining in was the paradox of the decade but one that made everybody involved extremely happy, especially the pope. Look how stoked he is.

Bush's little m8 Dick Cheney tried to join in, but he lacked the balls to do it properly so only praised Satan from inside limousines. As such he hasn't enjoyed the same level of popularity. at all. Nobody likes him.

The King of France has also gotten in on the act. How successful he has been is impossible to tell because all the news we're getting from france is in french.

Bono attempted to make the pact to increase his popularity. He did everything right and contacted Satan in the right manner. However even Satan's powers have a limit. Nobody can make this wankcarpet liked.
Go home Bono.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

An aeons old Satanic conspiracy is rumbled by the world's rubbishest book

What you see in the above picture is a piece of literature that has successfully blown the whistle on a conspiracy wrought by Satan and his human followers which has fooled the scientific community and the world at large since the first millenium ad. Unfortunately for everybody it has also been written by a bell end. and as such nobody is going to believe it.
We may as well tell you the truth behind the conspiracy as if you're reading this worldwidewebsite then you are already on satan's side, to be quite frank i'll be surprised if he hasn't already come to you in a dream and told you about it all. Maybe he doesn't value you as much as us.
Basically Satan thought it'd be a right L.A.U.G.H. to go about spreading the rumour that the earth was a sphere, there were already certain weird tell tale signs that it might be a sphere anyway, you know like how if a ship goes more than 20 miles away from you out at sea it disappears over the horizon? But basically it is actually flat, Lucifer and his acolytes (which these days includes us) have been feeding false info to the courts of medieval Europe and Asia and then in more recent years to NASA (Nasa were harder to trick, they kept going into space and we had to drug their astronauts after they got back to earth before anybody else could get to them.)
Anyway, this fucking bloke has managed to work out the whole thing.
he even knows it was Satan who came up with it! Although he does think we're called 'illuminati' for some reason... and that we are "mainly gay."

We'll give you the first three pages of the book for you to read to get a little taste of this gentleman's penmanship. He has an unconventional writing style that you might want to soak up.

What a load of bollocks right? Unfortunately not, everything he says is true. And nobody is more upset about that than us, entire lifetimes of work have gone into keeping this secret hidden.

However it is unlikely that normal shoe wearing capeless people will ever read this book and take it as gospel. This is because the author has also included some sections that are balls-to-the-wall pants-on-head cats-driving-cars-underwater retarded, which undermines his otherwise very astute argument.
here are some of the choicest cuts.

(apologies for the poor quality of the photos but fuck scanners)

Dear Christian Flat Earth Mentalist,
When writing a pamphlet that proposes a radical alternative to a theory that almost everyone on earth lives their lives by (no matter how created by Satan that theory admittedly is) do NOT use a film you saw down the IMAX as one of your most crucial pieces of evidence, everybody will think you are weird.
Yours Truly

The moon and stars are only 1000 miles away, the sun is only 700 miles away. Those sound like fairly arbitrary distances but fair enough my friend. However I must take umbridge with your claim that the Sun is 32 miles across, its a 42 mile journey from Maidstone to Brighton, which is like a 45 minute drive. You're telling people that you could drive across the sun in less time. This just sounds silly.
If you're going to come out with such things then don't give exact numbers, just say its a bit smaller than currently thought but you couldn't possibly come out with a specific as you've never measured it. Trust us, man. We've been lying to people for years. Specific numbers are very easy to mock, especially one as ridiculous as 32.

"Have another look at the windows logo on your computer"
We just need to highlight here that at no point prior to this in the book has he told the reader to look at the windows logo on their computer. So this 'another' business is very strange. Also we looked at the windows logo for a while and it seemingly had nothing to do with his argument. Its as if he's trying to distract you whilst he quickly pens another awful hand drawn diagram.

The pinnacle and (what should be) crowning moment of this young man's treatise on the planet is the revelation that Satan is behind all this. Any articulate person would build this moment up, maybe even give it a chapter to itself.But not our counter-conspiracist, he bumfs it up royally.

" We are held in bondage by a pack of lies, all manner of blackmail and sabotage. The money supply, the banking system - VISA is 666. So is Newtons Flaws of Motion
(excellent pun work, that'd better be deliberate)
- Invented 1666, plunged the world into darkness! "

Now there is so much grammatically wrong with that section of text we dare not start picking it apart lest this blog post go on forever. But we would just like to question how VISA is 666 exactly? Theres... just... no link between the two?
I wish there were, if there were i'd get rid of my fucking mastercard right now.
Oh yeah and after that he suggests that if you were told the truth about gravity then you could build a plane in your back garden and fly to any other back garden in the world.
Which suggests that he does know the truth about gravity, so presumably his main method of transportation is speeding through the skies in a contraption he made in his shed.

This is where he lays into us. Apparently we are mainly white, male and gay. Not sure where he's getting this from, the homosexual membership of Satan's dark army is no more or less than the number you would find in any cross section of modern society. Maybe he means it in the 1950's sense, but he's be wrong there too, there is nothing metal about being chipper. And if he means it in the classroom insult way then... well... fuck you man, you're gay.
Also he mentions that on his fruity website there are some pictures of women, just in case you felt gay after reading the word gay and needed your being straight topped up by some nudy lady photos. (I assume they're nudy, we couldn't find the website)

If Wikipedia is not an acceptable source for a piece of A level Politics coursework then it is certainly not an acceptable source for a world changing pamphlet of investigative scientific journalism. Don't put it in caps as if you're proud of it.

He posed an unrelated question and we answered it. The gulf stream would still work whether to earth was flat or round. Satan has nothing to do with this.

If 'so many persons' had asked me such questions I would probably set them an equally impossible-to-achieve experiment. If you are trying to successfully rumble an unholy conspiracy that is as deep seated as this one in the planet's psyche you are going to need to set them easier-to-perform scientific experiments than that.

Oh well I suppose it doesn't really matter because nobody has ever crossed Antarctica to prove your counter-theory wrong.
It'll be that massive ice wall stopping them I suppose.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

The Satanic Revolution is countered by the Metropolitan police

As masters of all dark wizardry, from summoning plagues of locusts to predicting football results, we thought we would be able to accurately prophecise the day when all would rise up against the secular rule we currently languish under. The day that we foretold was the 29th of April, coincidentally the day that one of the most powerful magical families in all the world added a new member to its ranks via a televised marriage. This meant that the capital city would be full of people, some of which were revelers, many of which were disgruntled satanists prowling the streets hungry to revolt.
We attempted to be a catalytic force in the obvious revolution that was at hand by organising a march which would bring together our widely dipersed brothers and sisters and descend on parliament, probably converting many to the ways of Beelzebub as we went.

These were the signs we planned on carrying as we lead the march.

This was how we planned to appear on the big day once we had gotten into the heart of London.
Obviously as the Met are sponsored and run by Mormons, Catholics and Seventh Day Adventists we would have to go in disguise until it was too late for them to arrest us.

Unfortunately for us and the wider Satanic cause the Met had seers that predicted our malicious machinations and we were nabbed before we could even don our corpse paint. We were told that our signs were 'offensive' and that 'people had complained' and that they could 'do' us for 'breach of the peace' we knew not what any of these mysterious mortal words meant but accepted that the day was lost unless he who dwells below could summon a horde of demons to get our signs back.

As you can see here (as the finger too close to the lens helpfully points you to) our signs have been thrown into the back of the police van.
No amount of wordsmithery could get them all back.

but we managed to get one back that was deemed 'inoffensive'.
Also please note that merely by being near us, the female police officer seated in the van has become 30 times more rad and is throwing the horns in the back ground of this picture.
Unfortunately she has got it slightly wrong, but the effort is there.

We will update this post as more photos come in from friends and allies.