Friday, 24 December 2010

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Finally, at this socially prominent time of year, bleedingoursouls finally get their arses in gear to answer that greatest of great questions.
which year is more DETHMETL?
666ad or 1666ad?
we've had more letters and e-mails than we really want to talk about sent in asking this question and we've finally acquiesced to your requests. only because its Christmas though. normally we wouldn't give a shit about what you want or think.

First off we'll give a quick low down on the DETHMETL things that happened in both years.

666

Chertsey, the least dethmetl of all the English abbeys was founded.

however from these budget drawings that is hard to believe, it looks hardcore

To neutralise this, barking abbey the MOST dethmetl of all the English abbeys was also founded.

Barking, embarrassing Chertsey since 666

Together they lead the battle of dark and light for over one thousand years. It was the equivalent of Gandalf and Saruman setting up their own schools of witchcraft and wizardry to battle one another.
In other 666 news (good lord I am a fan of this year) the Chinese invented once of the most complicated chariots in the history of ever. Apparently it could only go south, and as such was aptly named the South Pointing Chariot. But please, don't take my word for it, take wikipedia's.

1666

In 1666 a undeniable torrent of goffick ting happened.
Mainly fire.
Two massive fires grab thine attention.

1 - The Great Bloody Fire of Entire Bloody London.
Satan started a fire in London because the city had gotten too big for its boots.

London, getting out of hand.

London's reaction to the events was sub par and the fire lasted for 3 days. 3 days longer than your average properly managed fire lasts. Samuel Pepys is widely considered to be the most veritable and respectable source regarding the fire and his reaction was to hide his cheese in the garden, showing just how embarrassingly useless Londoners were in 1666.

One look at their ridiculous fire engines tells you everything you need to know.

If anything Beelzebub did them a favour as it cured all cockneys of their rubbish fire management skills and since then London has been relatively fire free.

2 - The Fire That Burns Down an Entire Swedish City You've Never Heard of Because it Burnt Down.

In 1666, much as it is now, it was boring to be some smoking hot satanic babe in Northern Sweden. As such, Demelza Phantasm (real name Lina Lindgren) started a badman fire in her neighbours house to pass the time and appease the Dark Lord's lust for all things fiery.

Carlsberg don't make 17th century Satanic She-bastards but if they did, Demelza Phantasm would be running the bloody factory that churned them out.

The fire took hold in such a way that the entire town burnt down, but unfortunately not the church, because Lord Jesus protected it with his holy wind and snow power. A power that Demelza and the rest of her BLAKMETL gang could only wince at. The town was called Pitea, and unfortunately still exists. Google it.

Verdict

It is very difficult to decide upon which year is more Satanic, on one hand the year 666 is literally the year 666 and if one were to be born in any year that would be the most desirable. Just imagine going up to some bird and being all like 'Yo... so... I was born in the year 666.' then throwing the horns at her.
Her only practical reaction would be to orgasm so hard she passed out.
Either that or die.
You would be a constant menace to vaginas everywhere.
On the other hand though not a great deal happened in 666, whereas 1666 was effectively a year where everything spent its entire time on fire. Something we all have a lot of time for.
As such we have to award the prize for most Satanic year to 1666, fiery and majestic as it was, and give the silver medal (which is black because we're Satanists not athletes. the gold and bronze medals are also black it gets confusing) to the year 666 a worthy year full of strange and useless Chinese inventions and battling abbeys.
MERRY BLEEDING CHRISTMAS


...and remember kids. Santa is an anagram of Satan.




Sunday, 5 December 2010

Curing the common cold through Satanic Verse. NOW IN 3D!


Basically the cinema industry's sneakiest new tactic of getting people away from the internet and back into their Castles of Lies is to make all their films 3D, which basically just appeals to people who love gimmicks.
Well two can play at that game, there's no way we're losing the interest of our gimmick loving audience, cinema industry. As such now our posts will come to you in BLISTERING 3D. just the pictures though not the words. Although we will crack out future posts solely in that crappy 3D word art font that everybody wrote the titles to all their essays in year 7 in, if we think there is a market for it.

As it is cold outside and many of you will be catching sniffles and coughs at this time of year we decided it would be altruistic of us to show you how, with a simple glass of blood and the power of demonic possession, you can cure most winter ailments.

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start by drinking some of the demon inducing blood yourselves, this will grant you more power as necromancers. it links you to the spirit world in a greater way. You can buy blood from any local butcher or slaughterhouse, but ensure that the animal has died a virgin. Animals that have whored it up are not considered clean by the demon world, also you will be drinking alot of it and don't want to contract anything. like pig AIDs.
As such here we are using lambs blood.


after you have garnered some dark energy lay down the poor sniffles ridden victim in the centre of a pentagram. Pentagrams are effectively the skype of demon wizard relations. Vital in any attempt at communication.
Then pour blood on the victim.
think of the blood as the electricity that powers skype.
I guess the victim is the laptop?
Not sure, this is a rather clunky analogy.

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After a sufficient dousing in blood read some dark verse from the Oxford compendium of demons and netherbeasts. It has instructions for exactly what language and verse to chant in order to summon any of the currently known demons. (currently only earthbound ones though, contacting space demons is still unfortunately a far off dream due to cuts in NASA's funding.)
The demon we'd be calling upon is Ynzwana Caborzhe, a gambian mud spirit with the power to infect or cure anything he comes into contact with. There are quite a few others with the power to cure the common cold but Ynzwana is the one most regularly available. He's still pretty underground. The more famous demons like Choronzon are never free to help out these days. We remember him before he got big though, went to a couple of his gigs. Bit of a sell out now.

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Demonic possesssion takes hold pretty obviously here, with our subject levitating for a period of about 10 minutes as the dark wizardlings chant curses that will rather perversely protect her from the wandering hands of Ynzwana.

If you've done everything right when the subject returns to the pentagram they should feel spritely and alive and full of hope. If you do it wrong they will feel like they have been raped by a Gambian mud spirit, on top of which they will still have a cold.

Its a risky manoeuvre, but in the current economic climate mildly cheaper than going out and buying lemsip and calpol and other guff. All you need is a bit of lambs blood (every good Satanist has at least a 4 pinter in the firdge anyhow) and some good mates. Who are evil wizards.

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Sunday, 21 November 2010

718th Annual Gathering of Corpse Grinders

Corpse Grinding is an art all Satanists and black wizards have to become fairly skilled at if they want to make it in Dollywood (dark hollywood). Corpse dust is a powerful antioxidant, full of vitamin c and also full of black magical properties that make it the base for most evil potions.
However the methods to get the best dust are known by only a select few, who gather once a year, get drunk and gloat about how only they know it.
This year the Bleeding Our Souls wing of the group held the gathering and what follows is visual evidence of what happened, who was there and who we killed.

Carter DeChilde
This powerful hell mage is Carter DeChilde, He is wanted in 118 countries for Submarape, which is of course the dark art of raping people under water. He has never eaten in his life, instead he gains energy from consuming vast amounts of cheap cider in a ritual many call 'seeing it off'
see below for details.


The Bromide Contingent
So named because of the vats of liquid bromide they sleep in every night, this gang of inter-dimensional beings know secrets of the future that they use to their advantage in betting shops across the world. Their legendary status as corpse grinders precede them and it is widely suspected that they are responsible for the mysterious disappearance of thousands of cadavers from funeral homes across south east london and beyond.

???
Not one of these Nuns of Satan spoke a word of English. All we know is that they kill swans for a living.

Goran and Mischka
A pair of unidentical twins from the swampy deltas of the river Ob in the Ukraine, they are thought to be over 1000 years old and responsible for numerous atrocities across eastern europe, both holding high positions in the Nazi party during the occupation of the Ukraine in the 1940s. it is very likely that they were responsible for the systematic destruction of ancient churches across the area. Other than that a bloody nice couple.

Tarkor the Composer
In charge of taking the minutes of any official meetings held by the group, also the treasurer and head of external communications. Also claimed responsibilty for numerous terror attacks during the 1970s and early 80s including the assassination of President Sadat of Egypt in 1981. However due to him being only one white english male with no prior connections to Egypt, everybody assumed he was lying. He wasn't.

Kharleel
Kharleel hungers. The only thing that can sate this hunger is the hopes and dreams of the young. As such Kharleel works at the offices of the Student Loans Company.

Belinda of the Darken Nine
The darken nine is a coven of witches feared across central Europe in the 1600s for their prolific child snatching & eating activities, since relocated to rural china where they can work in peace. Belinda is their leader and commands the most powerful magical abilities. She brought this to the gathering as an hors d'oeuvre, it was delicious.

Bingle
Bingle isn't a wizard, he's a fresher. He thought the Dark Gathering was a house party. He still does to this day. Nobody is sure how he got in. Fortunately he didn't learn any of our secrets.


Some people have definitely been left out, and for this I apologise. Tarkor recorded over 1,800 attendees, most of whom can be seen in the following group shots.



Then we went on a pilgramage to the local cemetary where we ground up some fucking corpses bro. Obviously we can't show you the actual corpse grinding, but we can show you the journey there.

We passed the OurSoulsMobile on the way, more about this Vehicle of the Damned to come in a post soon.
The Witches and one of the Bromide boys celebrate the ritualistic murder of a schoolgirl they passed and show us her oyster card.
The body is dumped in a local ditch, where it is urinated upon, standard practice.


A local phonebox was set upon, it was magically rewired so that it could only phone those you least wanted to speak to. And if you called the speaking clock it would now give you the wrong time. bwhaha.
We coaxed these street pastors into our midst with tales of love long lost and sea shanties about our time in the navy, once encircled in the group they were disembowelled, decapitated and devoured. A snack on the go.
The journey was long, and some of our number were so fatigued they collapsed at the front gates of the church, a dangerous place for people as soulless as we. For the front of a church has the ability to deceive and persuade folk to the side of light. Fortunately as a group we were too hardcoregothmetal to be converted.
we shimmied round the back and started work on digging up and grinding up, many a fantastic potion of malice was created that dark winter's night. maybe we will show you their consequences sometime soon.
maybe not.
we don't answer to you.
you're not our mums.

THE END
by bleedingoursouls.blogspot.com aged 4861 and a half

Sunday, 14 November 2010

the 32nd of October

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once" - Albert Einstein

What a quote and what a bloke, but to actually understand what he means by this you have to look past all the technical scientisty jargon such as 'time', 'everything', 'that' etc etc and really focus on the bigger picture of what he is trying to convey with this statement.
Of course once you do the bigger picture becomes clear - Once a month Satan possesses everybody for an entire day and makes them do wacky shit for his own twisted satisfaction and then mind wipes everybody after it so they don't remember and as such never know the day even existed.
cheers einstein, you truly are a bastion of knowledge. helpful and otherwise.

If you are a normal person and not a dark wizard of time, space and questionable morals like we are then no doubt this concept has you rather confused, possibly in tears. I'll explain it in more detail. The last day of every month is not what you think it is, in fact each month has one extra day that you don't remember, where you have been waltzing about like a pansy. However because nobody else remembers it, and everybody has been brainwashed into thinking that there are only 365 days in a year instead of the actual 377, you don't question why your legs are so mysteriously tired.

People have in fact been cottoning onto this to a degree throughout history and trying to fight satan's powers with various schemes to break the brainwashing, however he has just brainwashed them twice as hard the next month and they've forgotten about it, but little tell tale signs have remained. For example in October of 1778 John Halloween invented 'Halloween' on the last (remembered) day of October as a big spiritual get together where you'd dress up as somebody else so that maybe Satan would get confused and not possess and brainwash you the next day. Unfortunately this plan was shit and it didn't work. But everybody liked the dressing up part so that stayed, yet to this day nobody can remember the origins of why exactly they do it, probably because they are so regularly brainwashed/they don't care.
Another tell tale sign is 'a pinch and a punch for the first of the month' which was originally used to get people to snap out of the possession that they had suffered the day before. Nobody knows when it was invented but I am going to guess and say 1305. It is now just used by dicks who like physical violence and showing off about how they know what the date is.

AAAAAAANYWAY. We took to the streets this October the 23rd to see what you pricks were up to whilst under brain possession from Satan this month, and also to baptise you, not that you needed it. However this is the only reaction we know when presented by 'stuff' and its cousin, 'ting'.
Oh yes, obviously we are not possessed at the end of each month because to be honest we do better work for Satan unpossessed. He possessed us a couple of times and we ended up doing less ridiculous things than we normally do.
Also I forgot to mention that all his monthly possession fests are themed, last month's was 'manchester united and metallic paint', this months is due to be 'canoe accidents and crime statistics'. He's an eccentric chap is our Satan.
Lets take a look at what you guys were up to then shall we?
This five star geezer had gone all out on the metallic paint front and was humming 'glory glory man united' as loudly as he could. Which was honestly suprisingly loudly. Everybody else you can see in these pictures were joining in and walking slowly in circles around anybody who had made an effort to keep to the theme, staring off into the middle distance, in some variety of trance. It was disconcerting. Fucking disconcerting. We were completely disconcerted.
This was actually a real Knight. He was also humming glory glory man united.
Further along the banks of the river Medway we found these gentlemen, keeping it street with some satanic breakdancing to an electro remix of glory glory man united.
This local panda had completely failed, neither being in metallic garb nor attempting to praise the apparent glory of manchester united football club. Instead a warped version of PJ and Duncan's classic 'lets get ready to rumble' could be heard from within the suit, however all the words had been replaced with anguished screams.
This group of nine year old girls were playing glory glory man united on the violin and doing a damn good job too, they were baptised and afterwards went on to do a slightly better job.

You may be wondering why Manchester United were chosen this month. well it is because they are Satan's favourite football club. They have been since Satan was 10 years old and collected football stickers and picked a club to support completely arbitrarily. However since then has become a stalwart fan and has even arranged for a recent photograph of himself to be used as the club emblem.

That's him alright

Now you know this information you can spend the remainder of November pointlessly trying to avoid being possessed on the 31st, however you'll only fail miserably and be brainwashed into not even remembering you read this article. The next time you'll see the end of a month is the 29th of February 2012, because Satan gives everybody a little break once every four years. It's called a leap year, which is of course an anagram of 'Real Apey'. Which is what Satan fears we'd all get if we didn't have the time off.

I say we. I mean you.


Thursday, 4 November 2010

Fuck the White Cross

Commissioned a piece of our own chalk handiwork to be carved into the side of a kentish hill the other day. A big upside down cross. Classic. only cost £350 too, bargain.

However we went to check on it the other week and the builder/hill carvers had only gone and put it up the wrong way. What use is a normal way up cross to us? None, that's what.
So we called up "Cowboy Trap" presented by Clive Holland and he said he was on it. He's going to make sure they get whats coming to them; PUBLIC HUMILIATION ON DAYTIME TV.
Anyhow, we had a little swear at the cross.
This robust 24 carat geezer took the photo.


Friday, 22 October 2010

London; An etymological history lesson.

London is of course an acronym for 'Live, Oh Night! Dark Odious Night!" which is the final line of J. W. Cheapeswick's epic satanic poem "Cruelty & Pantomime: The Dark One's Thirst Revived".

The citizens of London voted en masse to have this acronym installed as their humble town's name in 1832 during a rather nasty cholera outbreak that ravaged the city. They had spent ages praying to god and changing the town's name to things like "Ofwaih" which of course stands for "our father who art in heaven" but, A - It didn't stop anything cholera related and B - It sounded mildly african, which upset the abounding number of racists that filled early 19th century London.

Anyway the change of name to 'London' saw a radical reversal in the towns fortunes, cholera was completely wiped out the moment the name changed and the state of the art sewerage system to honour the town's change of name was built. Say what you like about Satan but he gets shit done when pressed.

All of this of course means that the capital, or 'Terrorcroft' as it was named before all this cholera business (true story, google it), is the perfect arena for Gothic themed Satanic mischief.

To prove it (or if you want to be pedantic 'not prove anything whatsoever') here are some photos of London being the perfect arena for what we have previously claimed.


Thursday, 21 October 2010

Baptising the Homeless.

Much like those intrepid missionaries of the 1800s going deep into the jungles of Africa to spread the word of god we have been on quite the journey, deep into the heart of the concrete jungle that is London to spread the dark word. that word is SATAN or DETHMETL. Or possibly GOFF. Not sure yet. We spread a few words anyway.
We had to baptise the homeless and other such street debris as they were the only ones who couldn't run away. Everybody else we tried to confront with the power of the anti-lord just went into buildings that we weren't allowed into unless invited aka their homes. Much like the vampires off of buffy the vampire slayer, except we just don't go in unless invited out of sheer politeness.

FIRST THOUGH YOU GOTTA POWER UP THE BAPTISIMAL ENERGY FONT.
To do so we called upon a lesser demon.
The demon of Venetian blinds. (they're like saints there's one for everything)
Gaze upon the picture of him above.
He gave us a sterling pep talk and really got us riled up and ready to go.


With his words of encouragement still ringing fresh in our ears we hit the street.
This street urchin was playing a fruity little guitar just to get a few pennies so she could spend another day out of the workhouse. We told her of the eternal hatred and pain that awaits her in the afterlife and she was all like 'well that's rubbish' we baptised her so that maybe she will be welcomed upon entry to the fiery depths.
Chances are she won't be though.
People in hell are dicks.
This grade A twatcophonie of noise refused our friendly advice and news of the blackness that awaits us all. We baptised him without his prior consent. That'll show him.
Look at this guy hugging his dog as if we are going to take it away and baptise it.
He has clearly heard of our work.
We were planning precisely that.

Bapsworth Mcgee here actually tracked us down and asked to be baptised in the name of his mighty unholiness (in exchange for a pound).
She smelled of poverty and fear, an aroma we can all dance to.

We left the streets in a far darker state of mild panic and misactivity (don't know if thats a word or what it means.) In our hearts we were confident that Beelzebub would be pleased.

Monday, 27 September 2010

Wye are you doing this to me?

So the other day we went to Wye to baptise a crown cut into the living rock.
There is an 80% chance you don't know where Wye is, its in Kent, as are many places.
In the 1930s some fucknuts decided to carve a crown into a hill to celebrate the fact that they were bum chumps. Or something.
We took an aversion to this 80 years down the line and decided to baptise it for Satan.
An activity we are regularly seen doing really. Baptisms = the don.
This is the bloody crown.

It is a bit gay.

Tar'lor getting his swear on.
You have to swear at your target before you baptise it to soften it up.
Its like in a PSOne WWF game where you have to unnecessarily punch your opponent for ages before you can pin them slash a bit like when you have to beat up a pokemon before you can catch it.
A bit like that.
Its difficult to see the crown.
I would say click on it to enlarge, but you honestly can't see it .
However, trust me its there.

Right then.
Better baptise the fucker.
Not really any method in this madness.
Just go mental on a hill with an upside down black cross.
Any onlookers will be intimidated by how 'metalasfuck' you look.

There is also no moral to this post.
Unless 'Don't carve a crown into a hill or we will baptise it' is a moral.
But I suspect its not, more of a threat really. If anything.