Thursday, 29 April 2010

The Fellowship of the Wrong - part 1.

“There is an old French proverb that goes ; ‘if life gives you haemorrhoids, deliberately mistake them for grapes and attempt to make wine from them.’ I think what it is trying to convey is that if god gives you a shitty situation, deliberately attempt to make it far more painful and time consuming than he ever could - thus making him look a fool. Shucks, it may as well be the slogan all you little Anti-Christs march under”

Introduction to Max Weber’s “Satan’s Little Helpers”, published 1847, pg iv

We awoke the other day and read our favourite local publication, the downs mail, to discover that something had gone awry with our normally fantastically evil world; god had caused an earthquake on bluebell hill, creating a huge ravine, through which Jesus could march triumphantly into Kent and have all Christians hail the event as the second coming. At which point we’d be out of a job. Fucking immigrants, coming down here (from heaven) taking our jobs. SHIP ‘EM HOME.

However there was a dark blood encrusted lining to this otherwise horribly silver and holy cloud. The reporter for the Kent Messenger, whilst investigating the chasm created by Allah, had been raped and eaten – we presumed it to be the work of demons.

pictured - (you’ll need to click to enlarge) the newspaper story that alerted us, the downs mail continues its usual cavalier attitude to the loss of human life by having the story on page 9, only a few stories away from one about the fact that the snooker club on buckland hill is thinking about turning the back part into a take away. Which is actually pretty interesting/useful, i’d be into that on a drunken walk home, wasn't it a corner shop for like a month or something? Anyway i’m rambling

So we set off, packing only what we needed to meet those far higher up in command to us, and if it did turn out to be the work of some other force, baptise it for Satan as it would clearly prove to be a powerful ally. We would also have to assess the damage done to blue bell hill and file a report with HQ (Hell Quaraffarkkk) on how likely a Second coming now was.

Our only worry was that we are so low down the Satanic chain of command, granted the Big man has asked us some personal favours, but as of yet we don’t know how much we’ve pleased him. Without his support those demons could be very horrible to us, at best they would be uppity, at worst they would rape us then eat us – then throw us up to rape us again – then re-eat us.

We were also down a man, as it was SickNoose's Mums birthday that weekend and he had gone to Calais. We have been assured by text that all major Supermarkets in Calais have now been cursed, as has EuroCity.

Pictured - us just before setting off,we had just gone over our plans in a local cafe. The old woman behind us has heard and is screaming for somebody to stop us. Nobody does.
Bleedingoursouls -1 Old Crone - 0

So the journey began, we went up to the edge of the chasm wrought into the earth by the Lord of the foolish believers. (foolish in that they believe he is their salvation not that he doesn't exist, he does, we've seen him, he's massive)
To mark the fact that this was likely the nearest thing we'd ever come to seeing the grand canyon we took a tourist snap. Sir Tar'lor got so excited he forgot to don his cloak of eternal resentment, a crime for which he was later flogged. He has been known to do this. He only just got away without being flogged when presented to the Infernal Council last tuesday for covering himself in pink tie dye, as you can see from the picture his run in with them hasn't put him off.

He says it's 'summer chic'.

Climbing into the pit of holy vengeance was as hard as it was calamitous and we lost almost all our pack mules on the first slope, the rest got piss scared after see the fate of the first lot and scarpered, taking with them all our water and rations.

Also thats why theres no pack mules in any of the pictures.

However we have the power of satan within the palm of our hands and knew if only we kept the horns thrown for the duration, we would be safe.

Pictured - Bai Narghmbuul rocking that slope like its 1899
(hold up it is) (No it isn't, will smith)

Finally we reached the bottom of the cavernous slit in the chalk based earth of north Kent.
Many had died trying to just get to this point, many had died after getting past this point, and in far far more horrid ways.
Fortunately, we weren't on the same side as those mere mortals, and with the power of the horns we would discover much yet...

To be continued, mother fucker.

Monday, 26 April 2010

Satans Shocktroops


You know how it is. We've all been there, you're chilling with your comrades in death when you get a call from the big man, the horned one, our Lord of Catastrophe telling you to make a mobile evil conversion squad.


As any of our avid readers know, the Devil loves shitty construction work, as it causes accidents, generally creates mental strife and really pisses off that guy on Grand Designs. With this in mind, we dug out a super awesome bike with flame designs sporting a huge back wheel, and tied an upside down cross to it. minimum effort, maximum respect from lucifer.
To power up the demon-cycle you have just created with malicious energy, you need to pose awesomely next to it.

The more your cape floats majestically in the midday sun the better.

We then tested it out with the following things (that Satan had told us to aim for) in mind;

1-It looking a bit shit - Shoddy workmanship = Satans strength.

2-Maneuverability - in order to be able to do a quick stop and baptise whenever necessary.

3-How badly it fits into suburban england - if we don't stand out like sore thumbs in middle england then people might not see us, and to be baptised properly you need to see the deathmobile in all its glory.

4-It sounding terrifying - to ensure this we added boomboxes (that Satan gave us straight from hell) to the back that just pump out carmina burana ridiculously loudly (p.s you can't see them in the picture because they are invisible because they are from Hell and are magic.)(p.p.s shut up)

5-How easy it is to throw the Horns whilst riding - Self explanatory, any true follower of the Dark Master of Souls knows how absolutely necessary it is to be able to throw the horns whilst on every mode of transport.

pictured : The new speedy version of Satan's Wrath filling out all 5 of his demands

Did we do a good job? fuck yeah we did, well, we reckon so. there wasn't actually anybody around and social awkwardness dictates that its bad form to knock on some old lady's door and ask 'if we can check the baptising power of our doomcycle' so we just tried speed baptising on each other.

it worked well.

it worked so well.

so well that KilledBones did an ollie into a skip.

You have to be pretty full of the power of Beelzebub to be that gnarly, and we would know. We're experts.

Friday, 23 April 2010

The Fowl Stench of Doom

- lo, and God spake unto the Devil 'What doth thoust think of my creation, Devil?' and the Devil did respond, 'I don't know, its all pretty gay, especially the chickens.' -
Corinthians 22.7

Lets get one thing straight - Satan loves it when you chastise chickens, or any animal for that matter, through the medium of derogatory puns. Nobody knows why, and lord knows he isn't telling us anytime soon, but he does. He gets a huge unholy boner for it. Thus; as his loyal and meek servants/slaves, we set off to give him some jollies.

You can find chickens anywhere in Kent, they're literally all over the shop. Big cities probably prove a challenge for chicken seekers so you might have to drive til you see fields. We found some in a garden. Standard.

We started with some classics, calling them 'Clucking bastards' and 'Fowl smelling' then told them to 'peck off', (they didn't) - Textbook stuff.
We then had to start thinking outside the box with such jewels as 'egg-stremely rubbish', 'chi-cunts', 'you're a cock, no literally that is how people would describe you' followed by asking them if they even knew what snow was through the bars of the gates and bullying them for not knowing when we got no response.

The birds seemed nonplussed by the whole affair, and we were running low on puns.
So we regrouped.

The next tirade was of questionable quality if our aim was to insult them, really;
"Luke! I am your Feather"
"Oi Tracy Beaker"
"You're a cock-a-doodle-donut, pal"

...the whole episode was kind of a low point in our careers.

pictured - A cockerel not being bothered.

To make up for our shabby performance on upsetting them as entertainment for the Great Lord Beelzebub we quickly baptised them for the Dark Cause and ran off. Leaving nobody the wiser.

Nobody that is... but the chickens. (who are now evil)

Next week - Satan's Opinion on Bikes.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Hate/Fan Mail

Right, so obviously we're getting pretty big now, so big that we've been getting a fair amount of mail and some pretty regular themes and questions just keep cropping up.

1 - "Are you guys real satanists? I'm Christian and pretty offended by all this."

Literally, are you retarded? Look at the pictures, look at what we're doing in them. Read one of the posts. Does it look like we're real Satanists? Yes. It does. Look up satanists in the encylopedia brittanica and you'll see a picture of us with our balls out in a church and NOTHING ELSE. As for you being offended. good. that means we're doing our jobs properly, the dark one will be pleased and grant us further powers. Your grief is our strength.

2 - "Can I join?"


3 - "You guys seem pretty mean and tough all the time, but are you actually nice guys?"

Interesting question, whilst on the outside we may seem as dark as a january night, in fact we are all very pleasant chaps. To prove it here are a series of photos of us enjoying nature;

4 - "How did all this start? When will it stop?"

Well we all used to be pretty staunch christians/muslims/hindus/hippies but then one day we all literally at the same time, even though we were all in different houses, had the exact same dream, where Lucifer, looking an awful lot like he does in the Tenacious D "tribute" video walked up to us and said "look I need a favour" all three of us woke up at the same time. Even though Satan had been vague at best about what he wanted, somehow we all knew the sorts of things that would please him, and immediately constructed outfits and attitudes. As for your second question, we don't know, we're actually worried we won't live to see the completion of the Dark Lord's malevolent plans.

5 - "You guys are hot, I want to date you. btw I am a smoking babe"

Tubular. keep it to yourself, toots. The Dark one is the only thing/person we need in our life. We're not gay though. We just love him so much we really don't have time for you.

6(66) - This photo was sent in anonymously;

We don't understand. But we really appreciate the sentiment. Keep up the good work soldier.

Saturday, 17 April 2010

An Unholy Backfired Plan

Sorry for the late nature of this post, we did have a number of evil schemes to enact and display this week but something terrible has happened, through entirely fault of our own, one of our brothers in malice is stuck on an island. and to make things worse the island isn't even evil, its actually rather pleasant, which as you can imagine is absolute torture for him. poor creature. How did your satanic traditions get you into such a pickle!? I hear you all cry. well, basically we were up in Iceland a few weeks ago, maxxin' relaxxin' etc and we were informed a volcano had gone off nearby. well, as per, when informed of pretty much anything happening anywhere we went and baptised it for satan;

Above is an actual photograph of that fateful day in march.

This caused the volcano to go from being a pretty chill normal volcano, to being a font of Lucifer's angry jealousy at the world. And what is the Dark Lord most jealous of? Well the angels' (and now mortals') ability to fly, so he sent up a huge plume of silica based smoke which choked all the angels to death and also just happened to ground the vast majority of air travel in northern and western europe. This in turn has lead to our cousin in catastrophe being stuck on Jersey, and has to get an 8 hour boat back instead. A nightmare for us and the wider cause of further darkening this otherwise airy fucking fairy world.
On the plus side, the english channel hasn't been baptised for Satan yet...

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Really stupid dogs and how to deal with them : A Satanic Guide

Lucifer is, on the whole, pretty chill when it comes to dogs, he has one of his own with three heads (wait a second isn't that Greek mythology? NO. it's not. Shut the hell up). He also knows that they're on the whole too stupid to cause him any harm by being holy, conducting small church services and whatnot. Even the most intelligent breed of dog, the border collie, just wants to play catch the whole time. One of the stupidest breeds however, the Basset Hound goes full circle and starts serving the most holy of holies by causing its owners and those around its owners to start praying to God for a more intelligent dog. Therefore, a good satanist should accurse any specimen that crosses their dark path which will imbibe him with some of The Unholy Accuser's malicious intelligence. Usually not much malicious intelligence, but maybe enough to stop pissing in the house when the door is open and he can clearly see the bloody door is open. ffs.
We come to our photographic guide to how to accurse a stupid dog. The dog we are using is called Alfie, although giving him a name was a fairly pointless endeavour because he is too stupid to recognise or respond to it.

Step 1 - Approach stupid dog with the sign of our holy condemnation; The inverted cross or 'Cross of St Peter'

He ran away. The force is strong with this one. Maybe we have underestimated him.
Usually we would go onto Step 2 - Recite the unholy incantations calling upon the dark one's malevolent cunning to fill our subject. However we're going to have to return to step 1.

Its looking good, but then whilst carrying out step 2 our Brother in Evil pulls a scary face and alfie runs away again.

After much consternation and discussion The servants of the Lucifer come up with a fool proof plan to keep the dimwitted canine in one place long enough to finish the incantations. Once done we watch as smoke rises from the earth and engulfs the animal, when the smoke clears the once stupid dog is now... slightly less stupid.

Step 3 - Wait and see if the Dark lord's intelligence has had enough of an effect that the dogs owners no longer call upon the aid of the Almighty. If not; rinse and repeat.

We are currently still in Step 3. It was looking good for a while but a minute ago he attacked an inanimate object, the sofa, with some pretty intense ferocity then pissed in the hall so things aren't looking good. We're about to get our rinse on.

Next week - Fuck Nature.

Friday, 9 April 2010

ASAB (all sheep are bastards)

You may remember from a variety of hymns/stained glass windows/shit christian cartoons on channel 4 on a sunday morning that Jesus was referred to sometimes as "The Lamb of God." Well this is argued by some Theological Academics to be because Jesus was literally a sheep. If you read the bible you will notice that at no point does it specifically say "Jesus was not a sheep." By this logic the second coming could have already happened and we would never know, you could be wearing a wool based product right now made from the holy bastard's hair (and he was a bastard as God and Mary were not married, fucking hypocrites). Anyhow, as you may know we make up the legion of the Dark Lord Beelzebub and must stop all light from the saviour Jesus Christ reaching the masses. With this in mind we ran to the nearest field of woolly pricks and baptised them for Satan. Y'know, just in case one of them was Jesus. You can never be too careful.

Unsurprisingly, the sheep did not exactly welcome our advances. Whether this is because The Parable teller himself was amongst them or just because their farmer is not a Satanist and as such they were unaccustomed to men with dark robes and crosses approaching them, we will never know. What we do know is that this is not the last they, and by they i mean their species as a whole, will see of us.

Next week - Baptising a particularly unintelligent dog.

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Feline Conversion

As we all well know, cats, and especially kittens, are enemies of Satan's overarching plan to make the world a rubbish place to live, due to their apparent 'cuteness'. Obviously we are immune to such feelings and just regard them as a thorn in the side of our dark intentions. The only way to stop their rampage of holy mischeif is to baptise them for the Dark Lord, which somehow makes them evil. (the dark lord doesn't tell us much, we just do his bidding we don't ask questions alright?) One particularly cute and therefore powerful specimen is a kitten called 'Darcy'. Needless to say he was the first to feel the fiery warmth of Beelzebub's gaze.

Baptism in the middle of the road is a must. As obviously dark energy is strongest in the middle of roads, which is why people are so prone to swear at one another when driving.

After the conversion to the Dark One's bidding darcy changed his name to 'Dark See' which we all approved of, also his eyes went like pure black. It was fucked up. We don't have a photo of that though because he ran off, presumably with evil in mind.

More satannic rituals coming soon.

Friday, 2 April 2010

And so it begins...

Twas the day before the anniversary of the resurrection of our nemesis, Lord Jesus of Nazareth, when we, three dark souls became aware of the malicious powers we posessed. It was as if we had gotten up a day early to beat Jesus. We did so by casting Evil spells on the county of Kent. Which everybody knows is the favourite English county of Jesus. (his favourite in Wales is powys, because its the biggest)
Our band of evil sorcerers-come-knights of the apocolypse-come-general bastards consisted of;

Lord Jarck Bai Narghmbuul.
Dark guardian of the realm of CaRageBreak Drivel, a cold and fruitless place also regional evil manager of the North and South Norfolk regions.

Vice-Chancellor S'harmuel 'Sicknoose' Fihhn.
Denier of Holocausts, Creator of foul feelings, owner of a rat called Zissou the Furry one. Our destructor of all things good for the South Western Region, often seen near stonehenge desecrating bibles.

Sir Jarquarhim 'KilledBones' Tar'lor.
Corrupter of Virgins, Toaster of Bread, Creator of Anguish. A regular font of malice, Jarquarhim guards the well known gates to heaven just off the A229 to make sure any angels don't get out and make Maidstone less shit.

Obviously, with Jesus on his way the next day we had to cast some spells to make sure he couldn't get out of heaven and come bowling down bluebell hill to catch a train from Maidstone East where he was due to stop a riot at some dark place called the "Trugh Marn Brewery" on brick lane.

First you must cover the floor near where jesus is set to pass through with evil silver crosses, they are much like normal silver crosses, but shoddily made. Sub-par workmanship is one of Satans greatest skills, and we all know Jesus was a very skilled carpenter, the bastard. Then to seal the deal you must urinate upon a black upside down cross (also made with minimal effort/skill) to call upon Satan's guardians of the waypath to stand in the middle of the A229 with a sign saying closed, so jesus goes home.

Tune In next week when we will bully one of the Vatican's most feared allies; a kitten called Darcy.