Friday, 2 April 2010

And so it begins...

Twas the day before the anniversary of the resurrection of our nemesis, Lord Jesus of Nazareth, when we, three dark souls became aware of the malicious powers we posessed. It was as if we had gotten up a day early to beat Jesus. We did so by casting Evil spells on the county of Kent. Which everybody knows is the favourite English county of Jesus. (his favourite in Wales is powys, because its the biggest)
Our band of evil sorcerers-come-knights of the apocolypse-come-general bastards consisted of;

Lord Jarck Bai Narghmbuul.
Dark guardian of the realm of CaRageBreak Drivel, a cold and fruitless place also regional evil manager of the North and South Norfolk regions.

Vice-Chancellor S'harmuel 'Sicknoose' Fihhn.
Denier of Holocausts, Creator of foul feelings, owner of a rat called Zissou the Furry one. Our destructor of all things good for the South Western Region, often seen near stonehenge desecrating bibles.

Sir Jarquarhim 'KilledBones' Tar'lor.
Corrupter of Virgins, Toaster of Bread, Creator of Anguish. A regular font of malice, Jarquarhim guards the well known gates to heaven just off the A229 to make sure any angels don't get out and make Maidstone less shit.

Obviously, with Jesus on his way the next day we had to cast some spells to make sure he couldn't get out of heaven and come bowling down bluebell hill to catch a train from Maidstone East where he was due to stop a riot at some dark place called the "Trugh Marn Brewery" on brick lane.

First you must cover the floor near where jesus is set to pass through with evil silver crosses, they are much like normal silver crosses, but shoddily made. Sub-par workmanship is one of Satans greatest skills, and we all know Jesus was a very skilled carpenter, the bastard. Then to seal the deal you must urinate upon a black upside down cross (also made with minimal effort/skill) to call upon Satan's guardians of the waypath to stand in the middle of the A229 with a sign saying closed, so jesus goes home.

Tune In next week when we will bully one of the Vatican's most feared allies; a kitten called Darcy.

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