Friday, 23 April 2010

The Fowl Stench of Doom

- lo, and God spake unto the Devil 'What doth thoust think of my creation, Devil?' and the Devil did respond, 'I don't know, its all pretty gay, especially the chickens.' -
Corinthians 22.7

Lets get one thing straight - Satan loves it when you chastise chickens, or any animal for that matter, through the medium of derogatory puns. Nobody knows why, and lord knows he isn't telling us anytime soon, but he does. He gets a huge unholy boner for it. Thus; as his loyal and meek servants/slaves, we set off to give him some jollies.

You can find chickens anywhere in Kent, they're literally all over the shop. Big cities probably prove a challenge for chicken seekers so you might have to drive til you see fields. We found some in a garden. Standard.

We started with some classics, calling them 'Clucking bastards' and 'Fowl smelling' then told them to 'peck off', (they didn't) - Textbook stuff.
We then had to start thinking outside the box with such jewels as 'egg-stremely rubbish', 'chi-cunts', 'you're a cock, no literally that is how people would describe you' followed by asking them if they even knew what snow was through the bars of the gates and bullying them for not knowing when we got no response.

The birds seemed nonplussed by the whole affair, and we were running low on puns.
So we regrouped.

The next tirade was of questionable quality if our aim was to insult them, really;
"Luke! I am your Feather"
"Oi Tracy Beaker"
"You're a cock-a-doodle-donut, pal"

...the whole episode was kind of a low point in our careers.

pictured - A cockerel not being bothered.

To make up for our shabby performance on upsetting them as entertainment for the Great Lord Beelzebub we quickly baptised them for the Dark Cause and ran off. Leaving nobody the wiser.

Nobody that is... but the chickens. (who are now evil)

Next week - Satan's Opinion on Bikes.

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