Sunday, 11 April 2010

Really stupid dogs and how to deal with them : A Satanic Guide

Lucifer is, on the whole, pretty chill when it comes to dogs, he has one of his own with three heads (wait a second isn't that Greek mythology? NO. it's not. Shut the hell up). He also knows that they're on the whole too stupid to cause him any harm by being holy, conducting small church services and whatnot. Even the most intelligent breed of dog, the border collie, just wants to play catch the whole time. One of the stupidest breeds however, the Basset Hound goes full circle and starts serving the most holy of holies by causing its owners and those around its owners to start praying to God for a more intelligent dog. Therefore, a good satanist should accurse any specimen that crosses their dark path which will imbibe him with some of The Unholy Accuser's malicious intelligence. Usually not much malicious intelligence, but maybe enough to stop pissing in the house when the door is open and he can clearly see the bloody door is open. ffs.
We come to our photographic guide to how to accurse a stupid dog. The dog we are using is called Alfie, although giving him a name was a fairly pointless endeavour because he is too stupid to recognise or respond to it.

Step 1 - Approach stupid dog with the sign of our holy condemnation; The inverted cross or 'Cross of St Peter'

He ran away. The force is strong with this one. Maybe we have underestimated him.
Usually we would go onto Step 2 - Recite the unholy incantations calling upon the dark one's malevolent cunning to fill our subject. However we're going to have to return to step 1.

Its looking good, but then whilst carrying out step 2 our Brother in Evil pulls a scary face and alfie runs away again.

After much consternation and discussion The servants of the Lucifer come up with a fool proof plan to keep the dimwitted canine in one place long enough to finish the incantations. Once done we watch as smoke rises from the earth and engulfs the animal, when the smoke clears the once stupid dog is now... slightly less stupid.

Step 3 - Wait and see if the Dark lord's intelligence has had enough of an effect that the dogs owners no longer call upon the aid of the Almighty. If not; rinse and repeat.

We are currently still in Step 3. It was looking good for a while but a minute ago he attacked an inanimate object, the sofa, with some pretty intense ferocity then pissed in the hall so things aren't looking good. We're about to get our rinse on.

Next week - Fuck Nature.

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