Monday, 26 April 2010

Satans Shocktroops


You know how it is. We've all been there, you're chilling with your comrades in death when you get a call from the big man, the horned one, our Lord of Catastrophe telling you to make a mobile evil conversion squad.


As any of our avid readers know, the Devil loves shitty construction work, as it causes accidents, generally creates mental strife and really pisses off that guy on Grand Designs. With this in mind, we dug out a super awesome bike with flame designs sporting a huge back wheel, and tied an upside down cross to it. minimum effort, maximum respect from lucifer.
To power up the demon-cycle you have just created with malicious energy, you need to pose awesomely next to it.

The more your cape floats majestically in the midday sun the better.

We then tested it out with the following things (that Satan had told us to aim for) in mind;

1-It looking a bit shit - Shoddy workmanship = Satans strength.

2-Maneuverability - in order to be able to do a quick stop and baptise whenever necessary.

3-How badly it fits into suburban england - if we don't stand out like sore thumbs in middle england then people might not see us, and to be baptised properly you need to see the deathmobile in all its glory.

4-It sounding terrifying - to ensure this we added boomboxes (that Satan gave us straight from hell) to the back that just pump out carmina burana ridiculously loudly (p.s you can't see them in the picture because they are invisible because they are from Hell and are magic.)(p.p.s shut up)

5-How easy it is to throw the Horns whilst riding - Self explanatory, any true follower of the Dark Master of Souls knows how absolutely necessary it is to be able to throw the horns whilst on every mode of transport.

pictured : The new speedy version of Satan's Wrath filling out all 5 of his demands

Did we do a good job? fuck yeah we did, well, we reckon so. there wasn't actually anybody around and social awkwardness dictates that its bad form to knock on some old lady's door and ask 'if we can check the baptising power of our doomcycle' so we just tried speed baptising on each other.

it worked well.

it worked so well.

so well that KilledBones did an ollie into a skip.

You have to be pretty full of the power of Beelzebub to be that gnarly, and we would know. We're experts.

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