Tuesday, 11 May 2010

31st Annual Bob Marley Remembrance Service & Rat Burial

Pictured -Artist's impression of Bob Marley today.

We gothic servants of Lucifer are not so much unlike you normal, colour wearing folk. Every year on the anniversary of Bob Marley's death, just like you, we offer his ghost a rat's corpse 3 minutes after midnight. We merely (bob merely) do it in a more satanic way, praying that Bob Marley remain in the VIP lounge in hell, jamming with all the other people who preferred the warm, drug filled caves of hell over the boring clean marble corridors of heaven, where the only thing to look forward to all week is christian bingo.
(its like normal bingo but more boring because everybody wins and you can't smoke or swear and theres no cash prize)
As with your traditional normal human method of celebrating the passing of Robert Nesta Marley you must first accumulate 5 people who are all ready to shed a tear and bury a rat.


Here are our five, notice the far away look in their eyes, you can guarantee that a black metal version of 'One Love' is playing on repeat in their heads and that they are imagining themselves on a Gothic version of a tropical beach. For those of you not intitiated into the way of the dark imagination; imagine pitch black palm trees with spiky coconuts full of blood, and the sand is black and instead of crabs there are whip spiders.


Pictured - Gothic Crab

The next thing you must do to satisfy The Marley's lust for rat flesh is to dig a hole in preperation for the sacred rituals. Thats right. A hole. No swinging the rat round our heads in an old sainsbury's bag until the ghost of Marley comes and rips it from our hands like you fucking pencil pushing normal people. Our hole is in the midst of a pentagram with candles at the five points of Karlok, but obviously that goes without saying, thats the case whenever we dig a hole.

Here you notice where things really start differing from the traditional ways of celebrating Marley's passing. Whilst two start digging the hole, the fifth of our number(usually male), has to dress up like the 'Ghost of Dark Christmas'. The Ghost of Dark Christmas is a pretty shoddy ghost and easy to dress up like, as he is just a sheet with a black cross on him. He's one of the earth's oldest ghosts, from back in the day when people were much much easier to scare.

Once the pit of rodent rastafarianism has been cut into the soil the means of calling upon the Dark Prince Marley can begin...

Start with the standard salute to Satan, just to clear the runway with the big man down there. This is possibly unecessary as Robert will have been all over the earth this night eating the bodies of rats handed to him both by Satanic soldiers like ourselves and disgusting normal people who are only sacrificing to him because they do not want his reggae music desecrating their childrens ears and the sauces in their cupboards.
(there are some unconfirmed reports that some sauces have already turned reggae, some twice.)
Anyhow its always prudent to start proceeding with a salute to 'he who cannot be any other colour but red'.

After this the sermons start;



This year new topics that were touched upon included our acknowledging Bob's eternal place in our hearts and soul, a request for his autograph when we get to hell and another request for a good reference from him so maybe we get into the VIP section too. Then there was also the standard talk about Satan's eventual rising because of the eventual military domination of the world that Jamaica will acheive thanks in no small part to Marley's patriotic words in the call to war; 'Get up, Stand up'. This is a long way off unfortunately but with Usain Bolt we have already had a sneaky peek at the prowess of their shock troops. I am as scared as i am excited.

The rat was then buried in his cellar of jah.
Satanists bury the rat as it is easier to reach from hell if it is in the ground. It saves Dark Prince Marley having to fly around the planet to collect his meal, which he has to do in chains for some reason unbeknownst to anybody. This pain in the arse for Marley's ghost is famously illustrated in Charles Dickens' prediction of the future; 'A Christmas Carol'

Then cannabis scented candles are lighted and the 5 satanists slowly collapse into a deep slumber...
Only to awake four hours later at about 5am. One of the young disciples of the underworld has heard the earth being rummaged through by something that sounds like the spiritual embodification of a sweet carribean lullaby.

The rat has been taken, Lord Marley's thirst for blood has been quenched...

2 comments:

  1. May I just point out that before bob marley died, he lost his dreads. making you look like racist wankers. you got something against the dead?

    ReplyDelete