Friday, 7 May 2010

Dismayedstone ; A Town of Hate

"It starts with one thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It's so unreal"
From the audio lecture; 'In the End' by the philosophers Linkin Park

In the shadow of the infamous North Downs lies a terrifying hamlet of pain and economic mismanagement called Maidstone. It has a church which has the biggest wooden roof of any church in the UK, also softmints were invented there, a classic example of the malice to waft forth from this bastardly conurbation.
Also we come from there, which certainly points toward the fact that the Devil has had his eye on this, the county town of kent, for some time.
Yet as tight as Lucifer's grip may seem on this historic river town, it has not been consolidated. The river stills flows towards the sea instead of backwards. and it is still full of water instead of virgin blood. On top of this there are rumours that the crown courts have been handing out life sentences for murder, instead of Satan's preferred punishment; being immersed up to your eyebrows in a box of angry and confused barn owls until dead.

Pictured - Artists impression of the Crown Courts under the yoke of Satan. (the people are covered in silly string, which they are upset about)

To really ensure everything in Maidstone goes as darkly as possible, we have to metaphorically piss in god's metaphorical barbecue. This is performed through burning down his headquarters in the area, the uberchurch.

Without hesitation we burnt it down.
We used petrol and firelighters, in the future we will stick to petrol, in retrospect the firelighters were unecessary.

Pictured - Our Father who art in heaven getting his shit ruined.

Once you've done that you need to go find the place in your town where the town's name has been sculpted in 6 foot high letters. (if your town doesn't have this somewhere then its not a town, its a village. if you live in a city the letters need to be 12 foot high)
When there peform a default Satanic baptism, you all know how to do this by now, and finish it off by jumping over the fuckers.

Maidstone now had its name changed to 'Dismayedstone' and everybody in it immediately grew horns and started rocking out to Cannibal Corpse. Satan was pleased. Everyone in Dismayedstone was closer than ever before, meeting everyday to rock out, smoke cigars and burn down churches in the vicinity.
Oddly enough they all voted Tory, though.

Pictured - a local Dismayedstone family celebrating a birthday.

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