Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Fellowship of the Wrong - part 2.

"Fuck 'gro. in those days everybody was on K. Do you really think i would have convinced Sherpa Tenzing to climb that huge assed bitch without me spiking his drink with about a gram? of course not! Fuck, when he got home to his family he didn't even know he'd climbed Everest, he thought he'd been talking to Mormons in a well for three days! Look, if you're going to get involved with a crazy vendetta against nature, you're going to need some drugs. Either that or a really serious partnership with God... or... y'know, him down below."
Edmund Hillary in 'Everest and Me', 1965, pg 133

And after the bank holiday (it applies to Satan's minions too) continues the story of two lowly servants of the Dark Lord of the Underworld carrying out a simple damage evaluation reconnaissance mission to file with the insurace department in Hell. We had both already overcome the white chalk cliffs that embodied God's vengeance against our ongoing plan to keep Jesus well out of Maidstone and the Weald in general.
(it was universally accepted that if Jesus ever managed to get to Tunbridge Wells our mission was a failure and we should burn all the documents pertaining to evil then shoot ourselves in our underground bunker.)
We had only just entered the Valley of Forgiveness that Odin/Allah/God had created when we came across what looked like normal woods, upon entering however we breathed a sigh of relief. These weren't those fucking pissy McGaylord woods you see in Disney films. Instead of the animals helping you with your housework, the ones residing in these woods were more likely to cook an overly complex meal that used more pans and pots than necessary, then would leave the washing up in your sink and fuck off. Yeah, these woods were dark.
Before long we came across signs that confirmed our blackest hopes and dreams.

Above is a picture of one of our Malicious number, standing in front of Dark signs sprayed onto trees with demon blood, which is black. As i'm sure you can all see he carries with him a can of spray cream (half fat) which was one of the few supplies we managed to grab before the pack mules took off in fear. We pushed on and found much more interesting signs of Lucifer's touch in these woods.

Pictured - Tar'lor presenting a Goblin Den

Our old friend the Goblin den makes an appearance, as any good follower of the heathen faith will know, a goblin den is only ever about 4 nautical miles away from a demon cave. Since the Demon Safety and Salience Act 1986 came in under Thatcher theres always had to be a band of lesser evil spirits/monsters protecting the big boys. Goblins live in trees and eat moths, the ones of this tree weren't in but you could clearly see their family name above the door and the standard petrine crosses along the sides of the entrance. The family name 'Evil' is to Goblins what 'Smith' is to the English. There was also a tit load of dead moths around.

We pressed on for another two days and eventually came to the sight we had been travelling so long without water or non-can based food for.

A Demon Cave.

Pictured - FUCK.

We knew we were close when all we could hear for the 4 hours preceding our discovery of the cave was the sound of people being raped and eaten... dark right? Actually the demons play it over huge loudspeakers to ward off any trespassers. Although i don't doubt that a fair amount of people have been raped and eaten in the past few days near the area. We saw alot of Demon semen (which is black) speckling the ground we covered, and lots of blood (which is red), suggesting a number of rape 'n' eats.
The cave itself was small but deep, fortunately we didn't actually have to deal with any demons as they were all out doing demon business, which at the moment involves turning invisible and whispering in prominent politician's ears funny things to say that will fuck up their election prospects. We've heard recently that GarNath K'goure scored a fucking touchdown by managing to get Gordon Brown to say something about a bigoted woman, we don't know the full details as we've been traversing a ravine for over a week.

Regardless of the lack of demons we took some photos and generally enjoyed our lives.

Pictured - one of the clauses of the Demon Safety and Salience Act 1986 was that all demons should have their abodes clearly signposted, as many are short sighted but don't enjoy the benefits of NHS Opticians as they have dual passports, between Hell and the UK.

You may scoff but for us this is like walking round Buckingham palace or the X factor or some shit. Fuck. I don't know what you humans like.

Next week - We come round your house and set it on fire in the name of Beelzebub.

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