Sunday, 30 May 2010

'God Backwards' Soup

Look at the current logic of the Anti-Christ Alliance we're living our lives by - and merely by observing, dear reader, so are you. Our logic is as follows; that which is holy must be reversed and upon being reversed shall become inexorably eviler. We have proved this logic by turning white crosses upside down, painting them black and, ‘lo, a Satanic implement is born.

Let’s go a step further with this knowledge. What would you say is the holiest thing? God? Correct. But we can’t turn god upside down or reverse him can we? Well a lesser man would say no, but we are not lesser and we’re not sure if we are technically men anymore either. As it says in the Bible;

“in the beginning was the word, and the word was with god, and the word was god.” John 1.1

Well as far as I’m concerned thats irrefutable proof that God is a word. And that the word that God is just so happens to be the word ‘God’.

Very convenient Christians. Very convenient indeed.

Anyway, if we get back on the boat of horribly skewed logic that means that one can reverse God and make him evil! How? By simply reversing the word! And what do we get? Dog!

From there it was a very simple mental step towards the realisation that if we were to make soup out of Dogs we may have the most powerful dark potion man has ever devised.

Thus we set about procuring the most evil dogs we could find to make soup from.

We called upon a friend of ours who ran an Asylum for Dogs that are too mentally unstable to even be put down, in case they come back as bastard ghosts. Our friend started the venture as a stable and pleasant 21 year old woman whose favourite musician was katy perry. However the nightmares of a thousand deranged canines seeping their way into her dreams over the years has warped her aesthetic and disposition somewhat.

Pictured - Her favourite band is now Gorelord.

She told us that two of the troubled hounds had gone missing and if we could find them then we could make soup out of them. The fact that she acted so unshocked about the fact that we were planning on making such a magical potion took the wind out of our sails somewhat as we though we were being badass and cool. She was above our bullshit apparently. But then again look at her, you would be hard pressed to shock that woman, she's seen things that would make even the toughest 'Nam veterans scoop out their eyes instead of risking seeing them again.

Anyway we went to look for the dogs...

We found them quickly because we're awesome. That and because Vice Chancellor S'harmuel Fihhn has a sixth sense that means he can find a dog anywhere. (usualy he pulls them too.) (whey-oh)


Heres one, on the top of bluebell hill, no doubt trying to guard the gate to heaven/hunt down the hellbeasts in the caverns to the side of the A229 that we explored only weeks previous. His name is Jasper, his favourite colour is black (ours too!) and when he grows up he wants to be that dog off the TV programme where some old woman flies a dog around in her light aeroplane and inexplicably shows dogs how certain factories work. (he had forgotten what it was called and so had we.)
Pictured - Jasper just after having fought some crime. awesome.

We reached a group decision that Jasper was too bodacious to cook, even if we would get super powers from him. So after a brief photo session and discussion we moved on to find the other dog that had escaped from the Asylum.

Once again Vice-Chancellor Fihhn found the offending canine with worrying speed and accuracy in some chick's back garden. This purveyor of woofs was called 'Rocco' and was as hard as his name suggests. He had in fact been sectioned, not because he was mad, but because he just loved fighting, everyone and everything and all the time. He was a fighting machine, there was such power here. He was pretty safe to us, told us his backstory, bitched about the state of the Asylum and its recent staffing issues due to the recession etc. But he was only safe because he didn't know we were going to make him into soup. But thats the case with most people, if you were to turn up to a party full of people you didn't know and announced your intentions to turn them all into a liquid meal you would make few friends, and i would seriously question the friends you did make.

Pictured - Rocco taking our attempts to restrain him in his stride

We breifly flirted with the idea of pacifying him by a quick Satanic baptism, which would hopefully fill him with evil intelligence, and enough for him to know that being made into soup would be good for the dark cause. However our attempts at holding the bugger down were met with furious strength and aggression. We had to act afterwards like it was all just a matey wrestle thing and that he had gone overboard and over-reacted.
He got embarrassed.
It got awkward.
He went inside to get a drink and never came back.
We accepted our failure.

So where did we go wrong?
If you are ever to attempt to make a potion that grants you the powers of Our Father who doesn't deserve to be in Heaven, hallowed be his name, then don't make the two major mistakes we did;

1 - Don't source your dogs from an Asylum for crazed fighting dogs.
2 - Don't then befriend both dogs.

Hope that helps guys, send any questions on the topic our way, we try and answer mail as quickly as possible.

Next Week - Tar'lor's guide to downing planes solely with the power of the mind.

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