Saturday, 22 May 2010

Oh i do like to be beside the suicide.

A dark day for all when the ocean itself rises up against our master, a dark day for all.
we're not exactly sure what the sea did because, as ever, we never get any memos from hell.
what we are sure of is that Satan got pretty fed up with the sea's shit (haven't we all) and decided to paint it black. and in one of the nicest bluest parts, the gulf of mexico. He did so by combining two of his powers; control of all things under the earth's crust, in this case oil. And his control of the darkest and most slovenly of the Oil companies, in this case BP, which few know actually stands for Bastards and Parties, for if you join his evil ranks you are a bastard, and he rewards your ill deeds with, like, endless parties. This too is a bonus as it means the whole operation is run very sloppily on account of everybody being hungover as fuck/out and out drunk.

The 'disaster'/victory has three main obvious merits:
1- Black things are more Satanic.
2- Fuck the south eastern american coastline.
3- Everything that lives under the ocean is far too chirpy for our liking and must be punished.

Pictured - Local bastard.

To encourage the further destruction of ecosystems and with the vague hope that Satan would see it fit to turn the entire sea black we went and performed a Baptism on the North Sea. We chose the north sea as we knew it had oil deposits and also it wasn't that big. the Atlantic would have been crazy, we just ain't that powerful yet (calm it ladies, i know you think we're, like, these mega dark warlocks and stuff but we have our limits). The Black sea is pretty famous for already being black so there was no point in that shit. We also considered the Caspian but then it turned out that the flights to Baku were a tad too expensive, also Tar'lor is banned from Azerbaijan for reasons we won't go into (some say dog rape, others say 'shh').
Thus we just got on our bikes and went to Sheppy, this is doubly useful as it borders the North Sea and is also a font of such evil few stray there and return with any of their money, mobile phones or teeth.
We didn't really know how to baptise the sea so we just faffed around near it.
the following pictures will shock and astound.

Pictured - 'dunno really'

Pictured - 'Yeah fuck it that'll do'

Pictured -'fuck you sea, in the name of all that is damned'

Pictured - 'someone get me down i'm scared'

Shortly afterwards the sea turned black as a ps3 (a black ps3) and we all went home for crumpets and dancing.
here is proof of the aforementioned statement;

'hey but that doesn't prove anything. those are just three unrelated pictures you've lazily googled, i am tempted to argue that the North sea hasn't turned black at all and you aren't warlocks, but liars'

I am getting pretty fed up with your shit, Disembodied Voice of Criticism. If you don't seriously start curbing all this nonsense i am going to have you gassed.

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