Saturday, 19 June 2010

"Why Telling Lies to Girls is the Right Thing to Do" - A Satanic Sociological Essay confirming what you always suspected.

Hypothesis - Women, known as the 'fairer sex', are an enemy of Satanic values and traditions through being 'fair', full of empathy and compassion for their fellow humans and having an incredibly low tolerance for 'useless bullshit'. Unfortunately some of the core tenets of our particular brand of Satanism include being incredibly unfair, having no compassion for fellow humans or their acheivements and basically devoting our entire lives to useless nonsense like chasing planes about swearing at them and breaking into fields of sheep to baptise them for Satan. Unfortunately women make up approximately 50% of the Earth's population and as such we can forsee a time when they will come into contact with our operations in a manner that renders them useless, or more useless than they already are. Our dark plans have already experienced some sabotage attempts at the hands of females, the best example is our mums hiding our grave paint and capes and telling us to go get jobs and stop 'fannying about'. Our proposed solution is therefore to use 'Beard theory' to develop a series of lies that will;
A - Help us identify which women are malleable enough to not pose a threat and which are very intelligent and therefore a danger.
B - To see which lies work best when attempting to put a female off our case.
C - To see if, through knitting a complex patchwork quilt of lies and untruths, we may actually recruit females to fight on the side of the Dark Lord.

Equipment - Nothing but our wits and Imagination. Also a biro and a notepad. And some tea. And some of those really nice biscuits, I can't remember their name but on the advert theres a Panda thats in the mafia for some reason, know the ones?

Methodology - We combined what we already know about girls and Satanism with the hugely acclaimed 'Beard Theory' one of Maidstone's only home grown Sociological Theories, but nonetheless one that has made waves around the world. It is as complex as it is useful, but for the purposes of our study we shall be looking at the section that looks into why girls are statistically more gullible than boys. You see Women have brains that are on the whole better at absorbing and retaining information that they deem revelant to their interests, studies and social situation. This means that they also have a better analytical skill than men because they have to ascertain what information is relevant to retain, whether this be which books to read for a course, remembering the lyrics to their favourite songs or ensuring that they don't forget that so and so has been out with whatshisname and thus avoiding a social faux pas. Boys don't do this and as such, do worse in studies, often know less about something they are a fan of than a girl who is also a fan of it and are prone to make chernobyl sized social fuck ups when drunk.
However, males also have an unexplainable desire to accrue useless information about things they are interested in and yet at the same time things they don't really care about but think are cool, or think the story is interesting, or are just doing it because it is 3am and they can't sleep and can't stop wikipedia surfing. This means that men often retain a large auxilliary body of information that girls don't have because they didn't think it relevant, which of course it isn't. However this gives boys the upper hand. For example, a young lady may have a Master's Degree in French Literature, yet a boy with only one GCSE could make her look quite the beard with a statement such as "The capital of Romania is Rome." Now, due to this young lady's lack of back up knowledge, and because the lie sounds almost plausible to her analytical skills ,she will believe this and everybody will call her a beard.
If we apply this fatal chink in the female armour to Satanism we can see how a set of questions could be developed that would test to what degree a Girl is a beard in this respect and once tested, how to either fight off the intelligent ones or further entangle the beardish ones, possibly as future suicide bombers or something.
When girls and our Satanic activities have met in the flesh before, there has been one of three reactions;
- A mild distrust and bemusement (e.g from our seamstress)
- Anger and confusion (e.g our mothers)
- Mockery (e.g girl who saw us chasing sheep)
All three reactions connote a fundamental lack of understanding of what it is we're doing precisely, which in turn shows that Satanism is indeed one of those areas that has never seemed pertinent for study by the female mind and therefore an area in which they are ripe beards. In comparison, by the way, whenever our dads/brothers/men in the street have seen us they have either cheered or cried, showing that they know exactly what we're up to and know either to rejoice or fear for their lives.

Mild confusion - The Beard's Natural State of Existence

- To first identify what strength of overall beard you have on your hands we developed a ten step system of 'Beard Analysis.' This comes in the form of ten questions/statements, with each answered correctly (or incorrectly in this case) earning the beard a point.

1 - Tell Beard that 'claustrophobia' is the fear of Santa - One point if she believes this.

2 - Tell Beard that 'terrorist' is an ethnicity after 9/11 - One point if she believes this (and also you have a racist beard on your hands.)

3 - Tell Beard that the days of the week are all named after famous Cricketers from the 30s, John Tues, Thomas Wednes, Alan Thurse, etc etc - One point if she believes this.

4 - Tell Beard that the word 'Pub' is actually an acronym for 'Private Underground Brewery' because in the olden days people used to just go to places with cellars big enough to make beer and drink, and that over time these houses turned into the pubs you see today. And also that is why all old pubs have big cellars. - One point if she believes this.

5 - Tell Beard that the Univeristy of London have bred the first actual horse that is more than 100 horsepower, tell her that in ten years time they think they will have a horse that has more horsepower than a Ferrari. - One point if she believes this.

6 - Tell Beard that if you take an 8gb ipod with no music on it yet in one hand, and an 8gb ipod that has been filled with music in the other, you will be able to tell the remarkable difference in weight between the two. - One point if she believes this, Two points if you actually carry out the experiment and she thinks she can feel a weight difference.

7 - Ask Beard if she has heard of Hollywood and Bollywood (one point if she hasn't) then ask her if she has heard of the new film studios just outside London that specialises in Comedy that they have decided to call 'Lollywood' - One point if she believes this.

8 - Tell Beard that the famous Battle of Waterloo was fought right next to what is now Waterloo station in London, remark on how much we have to thank Wellington for at that battle and if it weren't for him defending Waterloo station then the French could have gotten trains to all over the UK and we'd all be speaking french. - One point if she believes this, Two points if she hasn't heard of Wellington or the Battle of Waterloo, Three points if she hasn't heard of Waterloo Station.

9 - Tell Beard that Rush Hour 3 is based on a true story but the other two films aren't. - One point if she believes this.

10 - Tell Beard that the earth was created in 7 days only six thousand years ago by an all powerful being who was apparently just bored, then two thousand years ago he had a son with a married woman who was also a virgin and the son became a carpenter and a magician and then he got killed but came back to life but then disappeared. Now this almighty being is somehow also his son, and also a ghost. - One point if she believes this, Two points if she belives it so much that every sunday she goes and sits in a big stone building with her eyes closed to think about it.

If your Beard got no points then she is both incredibly dangerous and also possible marriage material, keep her under close watch at all times, never allude to your Satanic activities. Ignore any advice/mockery she sends your way if she does find out about it as it is almost definitely an evil plan to make you not be a prick, and raise your kids properly or something. fuck knows. Loves knowledge. Poses huge huge threat. Do not trust.

Danger! Danger! High... Knowledge?

1-3 points. Standard beard, there will always be an area that they know little enough about in to fall for a well told lie. A beard of this calibre will often pick up on the fact they are being lied to if you try and do more than a couple of these aforementioned questions in a row. If they do then say 'Did you know glass is made of sand?' and smirk slightly as you say it, as if you are telling a lie. If they then think you are lying and that glass is not made of sand, give them another point. Poses mild threat, do not talk to about Satan, although if she does find out its by no means the end of the world. In all fairness with a bit of a chat they may even be on board for helping out and being a knob.

4-8 points. Heavy beard, will very likely know little outside of her area of study/interest, so easily tricked that you may feel bad doing so. Likely to believe you if you said that you saw a tornado in Catford or experienced an earthquake in the town she was somehow also in yet didn't experience. Poses little threat, if asked about Satanic activities can be fobbed off with lies such as "I'm doing street theatre" or "I'm doing a photoshoot for kerrang and shit, shut up mum"

8+ points. Oh sweet jesus, this is a beard of American proportions will know little about anything including her field of study/interest. Prime suicide bomber/Virgin sacrifice material, in many respects you will be doing the young lady a favour as there are many unscrupulous men out there that want to do worse things to a gullible girl than just sacrifice her in the woods and feed her still beating heart to cave demons. Poses the opposite of a threat.

A classic 8 pointer.

10+ points. Waste of semen. Has no idea what is going on. (pictured below)

Conclusion - Reviewing these results we find that one of the core beliefs of the fairer sex is good logic and not dabbling in unecessary and expensive dilly dallying. Therefore we must battle them using our confidence of knowledge in unecessary things and our own warped, shit Satanic logic. With this in mind we created a tonic out of spider's blood and drank it out of a £3000 crystal bottle. Our logic behind this is that it will aid our lying capabilities.
The logic is terrible. The results are sub par.
Women across the globe will be angry with this shit conclusion. If they are then we're winning.

Tune in next week when we'll be doing something or other, probably in the woods. Probably involving arson, actually.

Sunday, 6 June 2010


"In camp at Kill Devil Hills, they suffered weeks of delays caused by broken propeller shafts during engine tests. After the shafts were replaced (requiring two trips back to Dayton), Wilbur won a coin toss and made a three-second flight attempt on December 14, 1903, stalling after takeoff and causing minor damage to the Flyer. (Because December 13, 1903, was a Sunday, the brothers did not make any attempts that day, even though the weather was good.) In a message to their family, Wilbur referred to the trial as having "only partial success", stating "the power is ample, and but for a startling gust of what looked like red mist blowing me off course and causing me to stall, the machine would undoubtedly have flown beautifully. Orville swears that this and all the other troubles we've experienced that have been such a source of consternation are the work of Satan. I told him to stop being a big gay and build me a better fucking aircraft.""
Excerpt from the Wright Brother's Wikipedia entry

Satan hates planes. We may as well come straight out with it. He hates them. He always has, and shows no signs of changing his mind. He doesn't really like anything that can fly, for you'll find that he is terribly jealous when you get to know him and has always been envious of God's angel's abilities in the air. It might be something to do with his subterranean demenour. The big man down below has a range of hell's denizens to call upon but few have any decent flying ability, even the ones with wings can only really muster a crappy glide from fiery rock to fiery rock. But then aeronautics and living underground have never gone hand in hand.
Beelzebub was always pretty chuffed that humans couldn't fly, it meant we were further away from heaven and also couldn't escape from him if he decided to come up and molest us. So it was a massive blow to his Unholiness when at the start of the 20th Century flight was invented. The inventors must have known of his hatred of their aspirations and so developed their dickhead aircraft in a town that Native Americans had cast spells on to keep all that is unholy out; Kill Devil Hills.

Pictured - Our least favourite town.

Lucifer has kept up a pretty successful campaign of hate and violence against the aeronautics industry since its inception, downing many early planes through possessing mechanics and ensuring they do crap metalwork and engine production. However people are more cynical now and Satan can't possess folk as easily anymore. He's had a couple of sucess stories of recent, for example this one time in 2001 where he got some guys to crash some planes into some buildings or something I think, but nobody really took notice. Planes are still out and about en masse pissing him off.
We've actually had more sucess than him, as you may remember earlier this year we baptised a volcano for the dark lord which grounded all western European air traffic, we got some badass medals for that particular endeavour.

Another problem we face in the eradication of aircraft is the increased knowledge all pilots have in defence against the dark arts. No pilot will admit to learning about this but they all do. They learn it in secret pilot school. Secret pilot school is exactly like normal pilot school but they all huddle round their teacher and he whispers the lesson to them whilst others keep watch in case any non-pilots come over to see whats up. At that point they start talking a load of fake pilot shit about windspeed and propellors and what their favourite cloud shapes are.

Pictured - Pilots having a secret lesson. Note the two lookouts pretending to be all chill.

So how can we battle these marvellous men in their flying machines?

Well one way is running around on the ground, shouting insults at them and throwing them the horns/giving them the finger.

At least this is the directive we've been sent from HQ (in hell), so far we're told it has an extremely low success rate and the only way to get the success rate up is to do it more. I think the logic is that if we get everybody down there out in the field doing it, eventually a plane will crash and we can chalk it up as being due to our efforts.

It's not excellent logic, but then excellent logic has always been somewhat abhorrent to our minds.

These are just two pictures of what so far has been a straight 72 hours of work.

We're very tired, planes are faster than running satanists.

We were told not to wear our capes because the pilots (knowledgable as they are in the dark arts) may spot us and fly in the opposite direction or something. However not having our capes on has sapped our powers to a degree and as such we haven't been the cause of even one plane crashing.

We're heading to Stansted tomorrow though, wish us luck.

Have you been affected by this post or the themes within it? Have you also had an unexplainable hatred of planes from a young age? Is a member of your family both a pilot and somebody you consider to be an uncontrollable turdcloth? Or do you just have a problem with Native American wizards casting spells that have locked you out your house? Get in touch with us and we will do our best to provide sound counsel!