Wednesday, 28 July 2010

I hate myself and want to fry.

You may have heard the term 'Deviled Eggs' and thought "I wonder what that means, I wonder if its some sort of egg based dish that is fully endorsed by Satan and created by his minions." Well you were correct to wonder and when you wondered you wondered correctly. Whilst 'Deviled Eggs' are indeed a Satanic but easy dish created as a breakfast snack by Satanists across the world, with a little training anybody could make it.

Thus today we are going to spread the love by showing you how to make the tricky treat.

First of all you need two people and an egg.
Write some incantations on the egg. We kept it 21st century and wrote our incantations in txt spk. This time round? "S8& 4 LYFE".
If you deem it necessary your second man can be eating a pot noodle. But we leave that up to you. Shouldn't change the taste of the egg too much.

Here is a cooker. You need one of these too.
You need to fry the egg on the hob and mutter whatever dark thoughts come straight to your mind.

Finish cooking the egg and magically the yolk is black and there is an upside down cross on the egg. Solely because of the incantations. Incantations are bloody powerful things. Make sure you make them extra evil or the yolk will just be grey.
Also ignore the paint in the background of that photo. It is unrelated. It has nothing to do with the egg. Ignore it.

To verify whether the egg is truly evil show it to a dog that has been baptised for Satan. If the dog likes it you have succeeded.

This particular evil dog gave the egg an astounding review.
In fact he offered us both jobs in his local evil restaurant, we had to turn them down because we suspected he was lying. I have never met a dog who owned and runs any restaurant, let alone a successful one.

S8& 4 LYFE

In other news we are thinking about starting a band called ANTIQUE RICED. We will do Satanic covers of early 90s pop songs. If you are interested e-mail us to commission a song.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Birding Our Souls.

Birds. We all know 'em, we all hate 'em. They get up in your grill, chat shit and are generally bad for the environment. probably.

We found some in cages and some not in cages.

Some were awesome and some needed their faces baptised.
We threw the horns at the awesome ones and baptised the faces of the ones that were not.

here is photo-journalistic evidence of what I have claimed in the previous sentences.

You can't claim that this blog doesn't irrevocably prove everything it states in writing.

There are no birds here. This is an example of a situation where no action needed to be taken.

This bird is clearly a fucking fruit. Baptised.

This is a swan. Swans are notorious bastards. This swan is also black. Black is the most awesome colour. Conclusion? This swan is an awesome bastard. We told it to rock on. It had no time to give a shit as it couldn't fit it into it's busy schedule of being awesome.

Kookaburras. What are you doing here? We will baptise you because we don't trust your being here. What are you laughing about. Strange birds. Better off baptised for Satan. (so much is)

Wading birds, the rubbishest of all birds. Name one point in your long and tiresome life when you've thought "Thank god for wading birds, they have just improved my existence". Precisely. Never.
Doing them a favour by baptising them if anything. They could do with being more interesting.

A wading bird, but also black. We were torn between a baptism and a horn throw. We settled on no action, best play it safe.

White parrot? Obviously a baptism is in order. After the baptism it turned black with red eyes. No proof though because we forgot to take a photo.
Animals do this so regularly after we baptise them that its no longer a novelty for us. We often forget to take photos of it. shh.

This parrot is pink. and is literally climbing up the walls, the colour we may not agree with, but the actions we certainly do. If I could climb every wall I saw there is no doubt I would.
Fuck walls. Rock on you crazy parrot.

No reason really for this rock on. We just have a soft spot for ducks.


Wednesday, 21 July 2010

The Super Secret Danger Lair of Doom and Danger and Evil. and Danger.

Basically this whole thing happened where we all had fights with our respective mums and so decided "fuck this shit, this shit is whack" and eloped.
The fights were 'cos our mum's don't understand us and keep saying the candles in our room were a fire hazard and throwing out all the various animals skulls we were amassing. Oh, and kept telling us to get jobs.
If we've told them once we've told them a thousand times, Satanists don't have jobs.
Our malicious and odious ways do not lend themselves well to customer service or generally anything where you have to interact with other people in a manner that doesn't involve baptising them for Satan/covering them in blood/slowly bludgeoning them to death.
Anyway, because they didn't understand that we packed up our shit and left together.
Life on the road was tough, but we found a new home in some evil woods and built ourselves a residence there. The evil woods are much like normal woods except we live there now, which makes them evil. Oh also they are full of wood goblins. Yeah, that too.

This is our house, its awesome and you like it. Theres no electricity so we installed swings for entertainment. TV and Internet is for gays and homophobes anyway. We now write the blog with magic and sorcery. Nobody is sure how we do it but they're all very impressed that we do.

Its up in a tree for two reasons, one because its currently in fashion to have your house in a tree and we are slaves to architectural trends.
Secondly because wood goblins.
Fuck wood goblins.
If they think they're coming in our new gaff and touching all our shit with their rubbish goblin hands and stupid wooden faces they've got another thing coming.

Wood goblin cunt. Fuck this guy.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Grave New World

Name a point in your life where you've walked through a graveyard and haven't wanted to stop and swear at all the crosses and mutter incantations under your breath calling upon dark forces to release the poor souls incarcerated in the earth. You can't can you? Well neither can we. And now that its the 21st century and you can't get burnt at the stake for doing such things why not just let your hair down and go wild the next time you wander through a cemetery or somesuch?
We thus present you with a guide for how to do so.

First of all how can you be sure you're in a graveyard?
Well there should be a bunch of gravestones about and probably a church. But sometimes it could just be some faggy art installation piece pretending to be a church/graveyard combo.
What you have to therefore look out for in order to guarantee you have the real deal is some skulls carved into something near by. Modern artists can't draw or carve skulls because skulls are too awesome for them and if they try to depict one they either fail or spontaneously combust.

We found a real graveyard. Here is Tar'lor with proof.

Look. Skulls. See?

So you've found a real graveyard. Now what? Well you have to bully the dead and especially the crosses they got tricked into being buried underneath. There is a slim chance if you upset them enough they will rise from their slumber and walk the earth effectively doing our bidding.

However for this to happen you have to annoy them properly.

Don't do this. It's far too casual. Also you aren't swearing in the right direction. At best you are only mildly inconveniencing them.

Neither should you do this. Its odd.

This is pretty standard. It'll annoy them. The sly use of both hands isn't necessarily a must but it adds a certain panache that the dead really appreciate/hate with a vengeance.

However there is, arguably, such a thing as too much panache. This is a minor example.
Two crosses successfully angered, but at the cost of you looking like a slight cock.

Example of aiming your sights too high. You can't annoy a whole church. Churches are notoriously chilled out.

You may think there's no need to creep up and surprise the dead and their stone monuments with some sacrilegious behaviour but in fact the dead are just as prone to being shocked as the rest of us. Skeletons are in a permanent state of shock, and there is no harm in surprising them more. They basically use their crosses like little periscopes to see what's going on upstairs. Keep this in mind and use your environment to your advantage, here we see a Disciple of Satan using the long grass to shield himself from view. Cunning.


Tune in next week when we continue to talk nonsensical bullshit and illustrate it with pictures of us wasting time and money.

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

ASASB (all sheep are still bastards)

As you may remember from previous posts we have a strong suspicion that Jesus has in fact returned to earth disguised as a sheep. We have many reasons for this suspicion, all of them tenuous, all of them mildly retarded. (as retarded as claiming that you can hear his voice in your head!? lolololo atheist joke lolo) However that hasn't stop us from donning our Baptising robes and heading out into the farmland of Kent to track him down and baptise the mother lovin' shit out of him.

Are any of these the Messiah? We will literally never know.

A noted and much lamented flaw in our plan to oust Christ from his woollen brethren is that we don't have any instruments to really prove whether or not any sheep is a sheep or Jesus incarnate. We are working on hunches here. Usually when people 'find Jesus' it changes them forever. Usually they become a bit gayer, have less sex before marriage, generally do less cool stuff like drugs and go to church more often. We were therefore working on the assumption that if any of us suddenly became boring and moral after coming in close contact with a sheep then it was probably JC in diguise.

These sheep clearly had no effect on Tar'lor. They are not Jesus.

One of the many questions you are probably asking yourself is; "Why are you searching Kent, England? Doesn't Australia have a far larger sheep population? Or even Wales. Why not search there?"

Well what you fail to observe is that we have to start somewhere and we've got no proof he isn't in Kent. If we started our search in Australia and he turned out to be in Kent - right on our doorstep - all along, how stupid would we feel? Really stupid.

Keep your suggestions to yourself.
Come back to us when you're a world famous Satanic Baptist and maybe we'll listen to you.

Long story short we didn't find him.
But there's so many more fields of sheep to search.
And he's out there somewhere...

Unless he's not a sheep and we're incredibly deluded.
But how silly are you going to feel if we're right.