Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Grave New World

Name a point in your life where you've walked through a graveyard and haven't wanted to stop and swear at all the crosses and mutter incantations under your breath calling upon dark forces to release the poor souls incarcerated in the earth. You can't can you? Well neither can we. And now that its the 21st century and you can't get burnt at the stake for doing such things why not just let your hair down and go wild the next time you wander through a cemetery or somesuch?
We thus present you with a guide for how to do so.

First of all how can you be sure you're in a graveyard?
Well there should be a bunch of gravestones about and probably a church. But sometimes it could just be some faggy art installation piece pretending to be a church/graveyard combo.
What you have to therefore look out for in order to guarantee you have the real deal is some skulls carved into something near by. Modern artists can't draw or carve skulls because skulls are too awesome for them and if they try to depict one they either fail or spontaneously combust.

We found a real graveyard. Here is Tar'lor with proof.

Look. Skulls. See?

So you've found a real graveyard. Now what? Well you have to bully the dead and especially the crosses they got tricked into being buried underneath. There is a slim chance if you upset them enough they will rise from their slumber and walk the earth effectively doing our bidding.

However for this to happen you have to annoy them properly.

Don't do this. It's far too casual. Also you aren't swearing in the right direction. At best you are only mildly inconveniencing them.

Neither should you do this. Its odd.

This is pretty standard. It'll annoy them. The sly use of both hands isn't necessarily a must but it adds a certain panache that the dead really appreciate/hate with a vengeance.

However there is, arguably, such a thing as too much panache. This is a minor example.
Two crosses successfully angered, but at the cost of you looking like a slight cock.

Example of aiming your sights too high. You can't annoy a whole church. Churches are notoriously chilled out.

You may think there's no need to creep up and surprise the dead and their stone monuments with some sacrilegious behaviour but in fact the dead are just as prone to being shocked as the rest of us. Skeletons are in a permanent state of shock, and there is no harm in surprising them more. They basically use their crosses like little periscopes to see what's going on upstairs. Keep this in mind and use your environment to your advantage, here we see a Disciple of Satan using the long grass to shield himself from view. Cunning.


Tune in next week when we continue to talk nonsensical bullshit and illustrate it with pictures of us wasting time and money.

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