Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Bleeding Castles

Does that really work as a pun? Not quite. But if you try pronouncing castles like a Kentish oik would, a la 'Caar Sowles' then it does. So pronounce it in your head like that to make the pun work please.

Anyhow, much pent up evil and aggression rests in castles, ask any feng shui expert. A building designed to protect rich people from the poor stores negative energy in ways the meagre tree house we currently live in can only dream of.

No need to baptise these impressive contructions, then. Rather stand about in areas near them and use our oversized comedy cross as an antenna to channel the dark energy into our bodies and then power it into our tree house at a later date. Think of us as Satanic batteries. Except the only thing we power is mosh pits and awesomeness. Oh, and tree houses. Obviously.

Lo, and stand about near them we did.

You have to stand in areas where you think the most blood got spilled over the years or failing that anywhere that looks good when taking a photo. For some reason dark energy is channelled into scenic spots. This is why your Gran takes nine hours to take any photo, its because the Devil's influence is strongest in scenic spots where she wants to take photos and he tricks her into not knowing how the camera works/forgetting which button means' take photo' even though shes had the camera since you were born/being generally indecisive about when to press the aforementioned button.

This local fat person was so affected by the dark forces at work in the castle we accosted that his/her camera skills were reduced to point blank door photography. The worst type of photography. As we approached we could hear him/her muttering "what's going on, I want to take pictures of my family and friends, not close range pictures of these doors" and weeping softly. Nobody came to his/her aid. All knew that it was too late for him/her now.

Meanwhile our energy channelling was going so well that our Brother in Satanic activity started turning into a beige ghost. We informed him and he stopped, the power of the Anti-christ was strong here, we would have to take precautions.

Turning him around worked a treat, all the energy, none of the light brown spectre transformation.

This we assumed to be a very powerful area for darkness. We thought that many must have died here whilst passing through what we assumed was a classic medieval "Chomping arch." Which is of course an arch you try and run through but a big metal grill with spikes on comes down and chomps you up good.
Unfortunately after consulting one of the Castle Guides we were informed that "Chomping arches" were something that "didn't exist" and that we had "probably made up" as "Chomp doesn't sound like a very medieval word to me, boys".
We were then asked if we had paid to get in and where our tickets were so we fucking jumped back over the fence and cheesed it.

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