Thursday, 21 October 2010

Baptising the Homeless.

Much like those intrepid missionaries of the 1800s going deep into the jungles of Africa to spread the word of god we have been on quite the journey, deep into the heart of the concrete jungle that is London to spread the dark word. that word is SATAN or DETHMETL. Or possibly GOFF. Not sure yet. We spread a few words anyway.
We had to baptise the homeless and other such street debris as they were the only ones who couldn't run away. Everybody else we tried to confront with the power of the anti-lord just went into buildings that we weren't allowed into unless invited aka their homes. Much like the vampires off of buffy the vampire slayer, except we just don't go in unless invited out of sheer politeness.

To do so we called upon a lesser demon.
The demon of Venetian blinds. (they're like saints there's one for everything)
Gaze upon the picture of him above.
He gave us a sterling pep talk and really got us riled up and ready to go.

With his words of encouragement still ringing fresh in our ears we hit the street.
This street urchin was playing a fruity little guitar just to get a few pennies so she could spend another day out of the workhouse. We told her of the eternal hatred and pain that awaits her in the afterlife and she was all like 'well that's rubbish' we baptised her so that maybe she will be welcomed upon entry to the fiery depths.
Chances are she won't be though.
People in hell are dicks.
This grade A twatcophonie of noise refused our friendly advice and news of the blackness that awaits us all. We baptised him without his prior consent. That'll show him.
Look at this guy hugging his dog as if we are going to take it away and baptise it.
He has clearly heard of our work.
We were planning precisely that.

Bapsworth Mcgee here actually tracked us down and asked to be baptised in the name of his mighty unholiness (in exchange for a pound).
She smelled of poverty and fear, an aroma we can all dance to.

We left the streets in a far darker state of mild panic and misactivity (don't know if thats a word or what it means.) In our hearts we were confident that Beelzebub would be pleased.


  1. if i was from the furthest out of all the out-of-town kids who thought vice was the last word in cool I'd still think you guys were further out of town than me. do the issues of vice come a decade too late to your village?

  2. i agree with this guy

  3. I browsed the site for ages I think you guys are geniuses, and I'VE BEEN IN VICE MAGAZINE.