Sunday, 21 November 2010

718th Annual Gathering of Corpse Grinders

Corpse Grinding is an art all Satanists and black wizards have to become fairly skilled at if they want to make it in Dollywood (dark hollywood). Corpse dust is a powerful antioxidant, full of vitamin c and also full of black magical properties that make it the base for most evil potions.
However the methods to get the best dust are known by only a select few, who gather once a year, get drunk and gloat about how only they know it.
This year the Bleeding Our Souls wing of the group held the gathering and what follows is visual evidence of what happened, who was there and who we killed.

Carter DeChilde
This powerful hell mage is Carter DeChilde, He is wanted in 118 countries for Submarape, which is of course the dark art of raping people under water. He has never eaten in his life, instead he gains energy from consuming vast amounts of cheap cider in a ritual many call 'seeing it off'
see below for details.

The Bromide Contingent
So named because of the vats of liquid bromide they sleep in every night, this gang of inter-dimensional beings know secrets of the future that they use to their advantage in betting shops across the world. Their legendary status as corpse grinders precede them and it is widely suspected that they are responsible for the mysterious disappearance of thousands of cadavers from funeral homes across south east london and beyond.

Not one of these Nuns of Satan spoke a word of English. All we know is that they kill swans for a living.

Goran and Mischka
A pair of unidentical twins from the swampy deltas of the river Ob in the Ukraine, they are thought to be over 1000 years old and responsible for numerous atrocities across eastern europe, both holding high positions in the Nazi party during the occupation of the Ukraine in the 1940s. it is very likely that they were responsible for the systematic destruction of ancient churches across the area. Other than that a bloody nice couple.

Tarkor the Composer
In charge of taking the minutes of any official meetings held by the group, also the treasurer and head of external communications. Also claimed responsibilty for numerous terror attacks during the 1970s and early 80s including the assassination of President Sadat of Egypt in 1981. However due to him being only one white english male with no prior connections to Egypt, everybody assumed he was lying. He wasn't.

Kharleel hungers. The only thing that can sate this hunger is the hopes and dreams of the young. As such Kharleel works at the offices of the Student Loans Company.

Belinda of the Darken Nine
The darken nine is a coven of witches feared across central Europe in the 1600s for their prolific child snatching & eating activities, since relocated to rural china where they can work in peace. Belinda is their leader and commands the most powerful magical abilities. She brought this to the gathering as an hors d'oeuvre, it was delicious.

Bingle isn't a wizard, he's a fresher. He thought the Dark Gathering was a house party. He still does to this day. Nobody is sure how he got in. Fortunately he didn't learn any of our secrets.

Some people have definitely been left out, and for this I apologise. Tarkor recorded over 1,800 attendees, most of whom can be seen in the following group shots.

Then we went on a pilgramage to the local cemetary where we ground up some fucking corpses bro. Obviously we can't show you the actual corpse grinding, but we can show you the journey there.

We passed the OurSoulsMobile on the way, more about this Vehicle of the Damned to come in a post soon.
The Witches and one of the Bromide boys celebrate the ritualistic murder of a schoolgirl they passed and show us her oyster card.
The body is dumped in a local ditch, where it is urinated upon, standard practice.

A local phonebox was set upon, it was magically rewired so that it could only phone those you least wanted to speak to. And if you called the speaking clock it would now give you the wrong time. bwhaha.
We coaxed these street pastors into our midst with tales of love long lost and sea shanties about our time in the navy, once encircled in the group they were disembowelled, decapitated and devoured. A snack on the go.
The journey was long, and some of our number were so fatigued they collapsed at the front gates of the church, a dangerous place for people as soulless as we. For the front of a church has the ability to deceive and persuade folk to the side of light. Fortunately as a group we were too hardcoregothmetal to be converted.
we shimmied round the back and started work on digging up and grinding up, many a fantastic potion of malice was created that dark winter's night. maybe we will show you their consequences sometime soon.
maybe not.
we don't answer to you.
you're not our mums.

by aged 4861 and a half

Sunday, 14 November 2010

the 32nd of October

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once" - Albert Einstein

What a quote and what a bloke, but to actually understand what he means by this you have to look past all the technical scientisty jargon such as 'time', 'everything', 'that' etc etc and really focus on the bigger picture of what he is trying to convey with this statement.
Of course once you do the bigger picture becomes clear - Once a month Satan possesses everybody for an entire day and makes them do wacky shit for his own twisted satisfaction and then mind wipes everybody after it so they don't remember and as such never know the day even existed.
cheers einstein, you truly are a bastion of knowledge. helpful and otherwise.

If you are a normal person and not a dark wizard of time, space and questionable morals like we are then no doubt this concept has you rather confused, possibly in tears. I'll explain it in more detail. The last day of every month is not what you think it is, in fact each month has one extra day that you don't remember, where you have been waltzing about like a pansy. However because nobody else remembers it, and everybody has been brainwashed into thinking that there are only 365 days in a year instead of the actual 377, you don't question why your legs are so mysteriously tired.

People have in fact been cottoning onto this to a degree throughout history and trying to fight satan's powers with various schemes to break the brainwashing, however he has just brainwashed them twice as hard the next month and they've forgotten about it, but little tell tale signs have remained. For example in October of 1778 John Halloween invented 'Halloween' on the last (remembered) day of October as a big spiritual get together where you'd dress up as somebody else so that maybe Satan would get confused and not possess and brainwash you the next day. Unfortunately this plan was shit and it didn't work. But everybody liked the dressing up part so that stayed, yet to this day nobody can remember the origins of why exactly they do it, probably because they are so regularly brainwashed/they don't care.
Another tell tale sign is 'a pinch and a punch for the first of the month' which was originally used to get people to snap out of the possession that they had suffered the day before. Nobody knows when it was invented but I am going to guess and say 1305. It is now just used by dicks who like physical violence and showing off about how they know what the date is.

AAAAAAANYWAY. We took to the streets this October the 23rd to see what you pricks were up to whilst under brain possession from Satan this month, and also to baptise you, not that you needed it. However this is the only reaction we know when presented by 'stuff' and its cousin, 'ting'.
Oh yes, obviously we are not possessed at the end of each month because to be honest we do better work for Satan unpossessed. He possessed us a couple of times and we ended up doing less ridiculous things than we normally do.
Also I forgot to mention that all his monthly possession fests are themed, last month's was 'manchester united and metallic paint', this months is due to be 'canoe accidents and crime statistics'. He's an eccentric chap is our Satan.
Lets take a look at what you guys were up to then shall we?
This five star geezer had gone all out on the metallic paint front and was humming 'glory glory man united' as loudly as he could. Which was honestly suprisingly loudly. Everybody else you can see in these pictures were joining in and walking slowly in circles around anybody who had made an effort to keep to the theme, staring off into the middle distance, in some variety of trance. It was disconcerting. Fucking disconcerting. We were completely disconcerted.
This was actually a real Knight. He was also humming glory glory man united.
Further along the banks of the river Medway we found these gentlemen, keeping it street with some satanic breakdancing to an electro remix of glory glory man united.
This local panda had completely failed, neither being in metallic garb nor attempting to praise the apparent glory of manchester united football club. Instead a warped version of PJ and Duncan's classic 'lets get ready to rumble' could be heard from within the suit, however all the words had been replaced with anguished screams.
This group of nine year old girls were playing glory glory man united on the violin and doing a damn good job too, they were baptised and afterwards went on to do a slightly better job.

You may be wondering why Manchester United were chosen this month. well it is because they are Satan's favourite football club. They have been since Satan was 10 years old and collected football stickers and picked a club to support completely arbitrarily. However since then has become a stalwart fan and has even arranged for a recent photograph of himself to be used as the club emblem.

That's him alright

Now you know this information you can spend the remainder of November pointlessly trying to avoid being possessed on the 31st, however you'll only fail miserably and be brainwashed into not even remembering you read this article. The next time you'll see the end of a month is the 29th of February 2012, because Satan gives everybody a little break once every four years. It's called a leap year, which is of course an anagram of 'Real Apey'. Which is what Satan fears we'd all get if we didn't have the time off.

I say we. I mean you.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Fuck the White Cross

Commissioned a piece of our own chalk handiwork to be carved into the side of a kentish hill the other day. A big upside down cross. Classic. only cost £350 too, bargain.

However we went to check on it the other week and the builder/hill carvers had only gone and put it up the wrong way. What use is a normal way up cross to us? None, that's what.
So we called up "Cowboy Trap" presented by Clive Holland and he said he was on it. He's going to make sure they get whats coming to them; PUBLIC HUMILIATION ON DAYTIME TV.
Anyhow, we had a little swear at the cross.
This robust 24 carat geezer took the photo.