Sunday, 14 November 2010

the 32nd of October

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once" - Albert Einstein

What a quote and what a bloke, but to actually understand what he means by this you have to look past all the technical scientisty jargon such as 'time', 'everything', 'that' etc etc and really focus on the bigger picture of what he is trying to convey with this statement.
Of course once you do the bigger picture becomes clear - Once a month Satan possesses everybody for an entire day and makes them do wacky shit for his own twisted satisfaction and then mind wipes everybody after it so they don't remember and as such never know the day even existed.
cheers einstein, you truly are a bastion of knowledge. helpful and otherwise.

If you are a normal person and not a dark wizard of time, space and questionable morals like we are then no doubt this concept has you rather confused, possibly in tears. I'll explain it in more detail. The last day of every month is not what you think it is, in fact each month has one extra day that you don't remember, where you have been waltzing about like a pansy. However because nobody else remembers it, and everybody has been brainwashed into thinking that there are only 365 days in a year instead of the actual 377, you don't question why your legs are so mysteriously tired.

People have in fact been cottoning onto this to a degree throughout history and trying to fight satan's powers with various schemes to break the brainwashing, however he has just brainwashed them twice as hard the next month and they've forgotten about it, but little tell tale signs have remained. For example in October of 1778 John Halloween invented 'Halloween' on the last (remembered) day of October as a big spiritual get together where you'd dress up as somebody else so that maybe Satan would get confused and not possess and brainwash you the next day. Unfortunately this plan was shit and it didn't work. But everybody liked the dressing up part so that stayed, yet to this day nobody can remember the origins of why exactly they do it, probably because they are so regularly brainwashed/they don't care.
Another tell tale sign is 'a pinch and a punch for the first of the month' which was originally used to get people to snap out of the possession that they had suffered the day before. Nobody knows when it was invented but I am going to guess and say 1305. It is now just used by dicks who like physical violence and showing off about how they know what the date is.

AAAAAAANYWAY. We took to the streets this October the 23rd to see what you pricks were up to whilst under brain possession from Satan this month, and also to baptise you, not that you needed it. However this is the only reaction we know when presented by 'stuff' and its cousin, 'ting'.
Oh yes, obviously we are not possessed at the end of each month because to be honest we do better work for Satan unpossessed. He possessed us a couple of times and we ended up doing less ridiculous things than we normally do.
Also I forgot to mention that all his monthly possession fests are themed, last month's was 'manchester united and metallic paint', this months is due to be 'canoe accidents and crime statistics'. He's an eccentric chap is our Satan.
Lets take a look at what you guys were up to then shall we?
This five star geezer had gone all out on the metallic paint front and was humming 'glory glory man united' as loudly as he could. Which was honestly suprisingly loudly. Everybody else you can see in these pictures were joining in and walking slowly in circles around anybody who had made an effort to keep to the theme, staring off into the middle distance, in some variety of trance. It was disconcerting. Fucking disconcerting. We were completely disconcerted.
This was actually a real Knight. He was also humming glory glory man united.
Further along the banks of the river Medway we found these gentlemen, keeping it street with some satanic breakdancing to an electro remix of glory glory man united.
This local panda had completely failed, neither being in metallic garb nor attempting to praise the apparent glory of manchester united football club. Instead a warped version of PJ and Duncan's classic 'lets get ready to rumble' could be heard from within the suit, however all the words had been replaced with anguished screams.
This group of nine year old girls were playing glory glory man united on the violin and doing a damn good job too, they were baptised and afterwards went on to do a slightly better job.

You may be wondering why Manchester United were chosen this month. well it is because they are Satan's favourite football club. They have been since Satan was 10 years old and collected football stickers and picked a club to support completely arbitrarily. However since then has become a stalwart fan and has even arranged for a recent photograph of himself to be used as the club emblem.

That's him alright

Now you know this information you can spend the remainder of November pointlessly trying to avoid being possessed on the 31st, however you'll only fail miserably and be brainwashed into not even remembering you read this article. The next time you'll see the end of a month is the 29th of February 2012, because Satan gives everybody a little break once every four years. It's called a leap year, which is of course an anagram of 'Real Apey'. Which is what Satan fears we'd all get if we didn't have the time off.

I say we. I mean you.


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