Friday, 24 December 2010

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Finally, at this socially prominent time of year, bleedingoursouls finally get their arses in gear to answer that greatest of great questions.
which year is more DETHMETL?
666ad or 1666ad?
we've had more letters and e-mails than we really want to talk about sent in asking this question and we've finally acquiesced to your requests. only because its Christmas though. normally we wouldn't give a shit about what you want or think.

First off we'll give a quick low down on the DETHMETL things that happened in both years.

666

Chertsey, the least dethmetl of all the English abbeys was founded.

however from these budget drawings that is hard to believe, it looks hardcore

To neutralise this, barking abbey the MOST dethmetl of all the English abbeys was also founded.

Barking, embarrassing Chertsey since 666

Together they lead the battle of dark and light for over one thousand years. It was the equivalent of Gandalf and Saruman setting up their own schools of witchcraft and wizardry to battle one another.
In other 666 news (good lord I am a fan of this year) the Chinese invented once of the most complicated chariots in the history of ever. Apparently it could only go south, and as such was aptly named the South Pointing Chariot. But please, don't take my word for it, take wikipedia's.

1666

In 1666 a undeniable torrent of goffick ting happened.
Mainly fire.
Two massive fires grab thine attention.

1 - The Great Bloody Fire of Entire Bloody London.
Satan started a fire in London because the city had gotten too big for its boots.

London, getting out of hand.

London's reaction to the events was sub par and the fire lasted for 3 days. 3 days longer than your average properly managed fire lasts. Samuel Pepys is widely considered to be the most veritable and respectable source regarding the fire and his reaction was to hide his cheese in the garden, showing just how embarrassingly useless Londoners were in 1666.

One look at their ridiculous fire engines tells you everything you need to know.

If anything Beelzebub did them a favour as it cured all cockneys of their rubbish fire management skills and since then London has been relatively fire free.

2 - The Fire That Burns Down an Entire Swedish City You've Never Heard of Because it Burnt Down.

In 1666, much as it is now, it was boring to be some smoking hot satanic babe in Northern Sweden. As such, Demelza Phantasm (real name Lina Lindgren) started a badman fire in her neighbours house to pass the time and appease the Dark Lord's lust for all things fiery.

Carlsberg don't make 17th century Satanic She-bastards but if they did, Demelza Phantasm would be running the bloody factory that churned them out.

The fire took hold in such a way that the entire town burnt down, but unfortunately not the church, because Lord Jesus protected it with his holy wind and snow power. A power that Demelza and the rest of her BLAKMETL gang could only wince at. The town was called Pitea, and unfortunately still exists. Google it.

Verdict

It is very difficult to decide upon which year is more Satanic, on one hand the year 666 is literally the year 666 and if one were to be born in any year that would be the most desirable. Just imagine going up to some bird and being all like 'Yo... so... I was born in the year 666.' then throwing the horns at her.
Her only practical reaction would be to orgasm so hard she passed out.
Either that or die.
You would be a constant menace to vaginas everywhere.
On the other hand though not a great deal happened in 666, whereas 1666 was effectively a year where everything spent its entire time on fire. Something we all have a lot of time for.
As such we have to award the prize for most Satanic year to 1666, fiery and majestic as it was, and give the silver medal (which is black because we're Satanists not athletes. the gold and bronze medals are also black it gets confusing) to the year 666 a worthy year full of strange and useless Chinese inventions and battling abbeys.
MERRY BLEEDING CHRISTMAS


...and remember kids. Santa is an anagram of Satan.




Sunday, 5 December 2010

Curing the common cold through Satanic Verse. NOW IN 3D!


Basically the cinema industry's sneakiest new tactic of getting people away from the internet and back into their Castles of Lies is to make all their films 3D, which basically just appeals to people who love gimmicks.
Well two can play at that game, there's no way we're losing the interest of our gimmick loving audience, cinema industry. As such now our posts will come to you in BLISTERING 3D. just the pictures though not the words. Although we will crack out future posts solely in that crappy 3D word art font that everybody wrote the titles to all their essays in year 7 in, if we think there is a market for it.

As it is cold outside and many of you will be catching sniffles and coughs at this time of year we decided it would be altruistic of us to show you how, with a simple glass of blood and the power of demonic possession, you can cure most winter ailments.

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start by drinking some of the demon inducing blood yourselves, this will grant you more power as necromancers. it links you to the spirit world in a greater way. You can buy blood from any local butcher or slaughterhouse, but ensure that the animal has died a virgin. Animals that have whored it up are not considered clean by the demon world, also you will be drinking alot of it and don't want to contract anything. like pig AIDs.
As such here we are using lambs blood.


after you have garnered some dark energy lay down the poor sniffles ridden victim in the centre of a pentagram. Pentagrams are effectively the skype of demon wizard relations. Vital in any attempt at communication.
Then pour blood on the victim.
think of the blood as the electricity that powers skype.
I guess the victim is the laptop?
Not sure, this is a rather clunky analogy.

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After a sufficient dousing in blood read some dark verse from the Oxford compendium of demons and netherbeasts. It has instructions for exactly what language and verse to chant in order to summon any of the currently known demons. (currently only earthbound ones though, contacting space demons is still unfortunately a far off dream due to cuts in NASA's funding.)
The demon we'd be calling upon is Ynzwana Caborzhe, a gambian mud spirit with the power to infect or cure anything he comes into contact with. There are quite a few others with the power to cure the common cold but Ynzwana is the one most regularly available. He's still pretty underground. The more famous demons like Choronzon are never free to help out these days. We remember him before he got big though, went to a couple of his gigs. Bit of a sell out now.

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Demonic possesssion takes hold pretty obviously here, with our subject levitating for a period of about 10 minutes as the dark wizardlings chant curses that will rather perversely protect her from the wandering hands of Ynzwana.

If you've done everything right when the subject returns to the pentagram they should feel spritely and alive and full of hope. If you do it wrong they will feel like they have been raped by a Gambian mud spirit, on top of which they will still have a cold.

Its a risky manoeuvre, but in the current economic climate mildly cheaper than going out and buying lemsip and calpol and other guff. All you need is a bit of lambs blood (every good Satanist has at least a 4 pinter in the firdge anyhow) and some good mates. Who are evil wizards.

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