Sunday, 5 December 2010

Curing the common cold through Satanic Verse. NOW IN 3D!


Basically the cinema industry's sneakiest new tactic of getting people away from the internet and back into their Castles of Lies is to make all their films 3D, which basically just appeals to people who love gimmicks.
Well two can play at that game, there's no way we're losing the interest of our gimmick loving audience, cinema industry. As such now our posts will come to you in BLISTERING 3D. just the pictures though not the words. Although we will crack out future posts solely in that crappy 3D word art font that everybody wrote the titles to all their essays in year 7 in, if we think there is a market for it.

As it is cold outside and many of you will be catching sniffles and coughs at this time of year we decided it would be altruistic of us to show you how, with a simple glass of blood and the power of demonic possession, you can cure most winter ailments.

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start by drinking some of the demon inducing blood yourselves, this will grant you more power as necromancers. it links you to the spirit world in a greater way. You can buy blood from any local butcher or slaughterhouse, but ensure that the animal has died a virgin. Animals that have whored it up are not considered clean by the demon world, also you will be drinking alot of it and don't want to contract anything. like pig AIDs.
As such here we are using lambs blood.


after you have garnered some dark energy lay down the poor sniffles ridden victim in the centre of a pentagram. Pentagrams are effectively the skype of demon wizard relations. Vital in any attempt at communication.
Then pour blood on the victim.
think of the blood as the electricity that powers skype.
I guess the victim is the laptop?
Not sure, this is a rather clunky analogy.

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After a sufficient dousing in blood read some dark verse from the Oxford compendium of demons and netherbeasts. It has instructions for exactly what language and verse to chant in order to summon any of the currently known demons. (currently only earthbound ones though, contacting space demons is still unfortunately a far off dream due to cuts in NASA's funding.)
The demon we'd be calling upon is Ynzwana Caborzhe, a gambian mud spirit with the power to infect or cure anything he comes into contact with. There are quite a few others with the power to cure the common cold but Ynzwana is the one most regularly available. He's still pretty underground. The more famous demons like Choronzon are never free to help out these days. We remember him before he got big though, went to a couple of his gigs. Bit of a sell out now.

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Demonic possesssion takes hold pretty obviously here, with our subject levitating for a period of about 10 minutes as the dark wizardlings chant curses that will rather perversely protect her from the wandering hands of Ynzwana.

If you've done everything right when the subject returns to the pentagram they should feel spritely and alive and full of hope. If you do it wrong they will feel like they have been raped by a Gambian mud spirit, on top of which they will still have a cold.

Its a risky manoeuvre, but in the current economic climate mildly cheaper than going out and buying lemsip and calpol and other guff. All you need is a bit of lambs blood (every good Satanist has at least a 4 pinter in the firdge anyhow) and some good mates. Who are evil wizards.

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