Friday, 24 December 2010

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Finally, at this socially prominent time of year, bleedingoursouls finally get their arses in gear to answer that greatest of great questions.
which year is more DETHMETL?
666ad or 1666ad?
we've had more letters and e-mails than we really want to talk about sent in asking this question and we've finally acquiesced to your requests. only because its Christmas though. normally we wouldn't give a shit about what you want or think.

First off we'll give a quick low down on the DETHMETL things that happened in both years.

666

Chertsey, the least dethmetl of all the English abbeys was founded.

however from these budget drawings that is hard to believe, it looks hardcore

To neutralise this, barking abbey the MOST dethmetl of all the English abbeys was also founded.

Barking, embarrassing Chertsey since 666

Together they lead the battle of dark and light for over one thousand years. It was the equivalent of Gandalf and Saruman setting up their own schools of witchcraft and wizardry to battle one another.
In other 666 news (good lord I am a fan of this year) the Chinese invented once of the most complicated chariots in the history of ever. Apparently it could only go south, and as such was aptly named the South Pointing Chariot. But please, don't take my word for it, take wikipedia's.

1666

In 1666 a undeniable torrent of goffick ting happened.
Mainly fire.
Two massive fires grab thine attention.

1 - The Great Bloody Fire of Entire Bloody London.
Satan started a fire in London because the city had gotten too big for its boots.

London, getting out of hand.

London's reaction to the events was sub par and the fire lasted for 3 days. 3 days longer than your average properly managed fire lasts. Samuel Pepys is widely considered to be the most veritable and respectable source regarding the fire and his reaction was to hide his cheese in the garden, showing just how embarrassingly useless Londoners were in 1666.

One look at their ridiculous fire engines tells you everything you need to know.

If anything Beelzebub did them a favour as it cured all cockneys of their rubbish fire management skills and since then London has been relatively fire free.

2 - The Fire That Burns Down an Entire Swedish City You've Never Heard of Because it Burnt Down.

In 1666, much as it is now, it was boring to be some smoking hot satanic babe in Northern Sweden. As such, Demelza Phantasm (real name Lina Lindgren) started a badman fire in her neighbours house to pass the time and appease the Dark Lord's lust for all things fiery.

Carlsberg don't make 17th century Satanic She-bastards but if they did, Demelza Phantasm would be running the bloody factory that churned them out.

The fire took hold in such a way that the entire town burnt down, but unfortunately not the church, because Lord Jesus protected it with his holy wind and snow power. A power that Demelza and the rest of her BLAKMETL gang could only wince at. The town was called Pitea, and unfortunately still exists. Google it.

Verdict

It is very difficult to decide upon which year is more Satanic, on one hand the year 666 is literally the year 666 and if one were to be born in any year that would be the most desirable. Just imagine going up to some bird and being all like 'Yo... so... I was born in the year 666.' then throwing the horns at her.
Her only practical reaction would be to orgasm so hard she passed out.
Either that or die.
You would be a constant menace to vaginas everywhere.
On the other hand though not a great deal happened in 666, whereas 1666 was effectively a year where everything spent its entire time on fire. Something we all have a lot of time for.
As such we have to award the prize for most Satanic year to 1666, fiery and majestic as it was, and give the silver medal (which is black because we're Satanists not athletes. the gold and bronze medals are also black it gets confusing) to the year 666 a worthy year full of strange and useless Chinese inventions and battling abbeys.
MERRY BLEEDING CHRISTMAS


...and remember kids. Santa is an anagram of Satan.




1 comment:

  1. Satanists fail at failing while failing the fail test during the season of fail.

    ReplyDelete