Thursday, 20 January 2011

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 1.

It is a tough time for the discerning consumer in the current economic climate, and an even tougher time for the discerning Satanic consumer.
Questions regarding what is and is not acceptable to purchase at one's local hypermarche constantly whorl around the typical Satanist's mind, mixing with dark incantations and what to sacrifice this evening. We are here to answer some of those questions and make life that little bit easier for you, O unholy one.

We will start in this first of parts by going through what we have in stock in the bleedingoursouls mansion. Some produce is vital to a delicious dinner but embarrassing to buy and unacceptable to own. As such aforementioned produce must be baptised before it can be stored, or risk converting some of your Satanic perishables to followers of the word of the Lord God in the Highest.
Other consumables are so Satanic they actually must be constantly owned or you risk being excommunicated from the Satanic Order of unpleasant darken bastards.
We will only tell you detail about items falling into these two groups, any more would take all day and we don't have the time. We're doing you a favour here, remember. Don't get needy.

Basically if it's not mentioned here it is alright to buy and not baptise.

Pre-bagged Ice Cubes.
Lots of people don't buy ice cubes. Thats because a lot of people are not Satanists. Or are rubbish Satanists. Ice made in your fridge is not nearly as earth damaging as this ice. Shipped all the way from the Russian Federation, where is it hand sculpted by Siberian slave children as they are whipped by their cruel ice masters. As such each cube is coated with the tears of an innocent. Actually not each cube, but at least one in three. Also due to the long distance this ice has travelled its carbon footprint is huge. Carbon footprints are metal.

Milk is purest white, the least satanic colour imaginable. However it is also a vital ingredient in a number of delicious satanic treats, and thus unavoidable. Once you have gotten home from the shops place it immediately on your inverted cross and recite whatever local incantations you know to be most effective in your region. If you forget to baptise the milk then the next time you open your fridge you will have a fucking gospel choir staring back at you. Milk infects all it touches with the light of the lord.

An Egg.
An egg is another unfortunate side effect of our addiction to delicious Satanic treats. It is a must in most recipes from Bat Pie to Child Face Cake (which is not a cake that looks like a child's face, but rather one made from the faces of children). However it is also the symbol of rebirth and very linked to christian culture. That is what all that chocolate egg business at Easter is about.
Jonathan Eggsworth here will also have to be baptised before being placed in your kitchen.

Marmite Extra Old.
The next logical step in the creation of a delicious Satanic spread was to let it gestate and for the evil that hides within it to become wiser and more malignant. We all know that normal Marmite is made from sand, oil and the ashes from those burnt in mass graves after the war atrocities in Marmyte, Serbia during the second world war.
Marmite extra old was bottled when the ashes were still deep, and the ghosts of those decapitated with gunfire still angry. Nowadays a pot of Marmite has very little black magic in it.
Therefore this is a vital cupboard filler in any good satanic home.
However it is still only the second most Satanic spread for your toast...

Black Boot Polish.
Delicious and nutritious with a blend of over 30 Herbs and spices mixed within the congealed blood of horses and dogs, this is the ultimate spread.
It is little known that the name 'Kiwi Black Boot Polish', whilst seemingly nonsensical, actually refers to it's original usage in the 19th century when it was rubbed into the leather of boots to bring out a shine instead of being spread on bread.
How times have changed.

Some fruity pizza cutter.
This is not really a perishable but if you do buy any cutlery/crockery/anything that is this chirpy and camp baptise it immediately. Don't take any risks.

Quaker Oats.
Fuck Quaker oats, man. They are a conspiracy by a bunch of fat joyless Christians to make sure you have a shit time at breakfast. Unfortunately they can be used in 'Krakow Oat Bastards' which are delicious. If you must buy these then ensure they are good and baptised. We look down upon you for effectively giving money to the church though.

An Egg wearing sunglasses.
One of the only times we have not immediately baptised an egg was when we opened a box of 24 iceland battery eggs to find one of them wearing sunglasses. He was smooth, sophisticated and a lover of the arts. If you ever come across an egg with the charm and effortless style of this egg then immediately purchase him and place him upon the mantelpiece.

Assorted Greenery.
Scurvy is a disease that we associate with pirates. Pirates are fairly metal and thus by association is scurvy. Yet scurvy is an extremely unpleasant affliction to actually endure and leads to your teeth falling out and you growing wooden legs where your normal blood filled ones used to be. As such not eating your greens is a big career decision. One the one hand, yes you will be more intimidating to the christian passer by, on the other hand your chances of plumbing any satanic babes is reduced. If you're going to take the second option and eat greens, ensure they are baptised beforehand.

Worcestershire Sauce
In the early days of the British Empire, when goodwill was thin on the ground and racism was rife, it was considered proper form to pickle the body parts of executed criminals of colour. The infamous Duke of Worcestershire who presided over huge swathes of recently colonised India was of the opinion that because the new British subjects ate such a spice ridden diet, that the excess pickle juice of ex-criminal's legs/arms/faces would probably be delicious. Of course, he was right, and to this day his culinary breakthrough is a best seller across the globe amongst communities of black metallers and cannibals.

Derivations of this cereal have been eaten for centuries in the royal courts of eastern europe and the central asian steppes. It was considered a powerful aphrodisiac and thought to relieve the mental stress brought on by watching thousands of your own people starve to death during bad harvests. As such, you would think there no need to baptise this. Unfortunately in the process of being transported to the west and marketed here the packaging changed from THIS to the Tots TV bullshit you see adorning the box today. However when you baptise Ricicles their rich odious history is awakened and a transformation takes place...

Evil Ricicles
They have started wearing sunglasses.
Also a petrine cross and the number of the beast has miraculously been burnt into the otherwise unacceptably welcoming design.
This will now take pride of place in the larder.

In part 2 we enter an Establishment of Groce, to establish what groceries in which section are most established.

Friday, 14 January 2011

New Year. New Cross.

In celebration of the coming of 2011/because our old cross had gotten a woodworm infestation, we created a new cross.
Cut from the most powerful trees we could find, with axes and saws cursed by a medley of different evil witches and wizards and bolted together with nails said to be possessed by the ghosts of those slain in the Hillsborough disaster of 1989 it outshone our previous cross before we had even put the finishing touches on it.
Our previous cross was made with normal wood, saws and nails on a patio.


To seal in the evil of our malevolent creation we bought "Davidson's X-tra Black Spray Paint - for when black just isn't black enough". You have to order it online here and it takes 3 weeks to get delivered because it has to come all the way from Malta where they make it with secret Maltese ingredients that only the Maltese know about. Look out for a post in the near future when we invade Malta, kidnap their elders and torture them for information on how they create this Purest of Blacks. Davidson isn't a very Maltese name.

We painted it next to a normal black door just so you could soak in just how blacker than black it is.

Then held it up against your bog standard British road so that the colour difference could be appreciated. Look and appreciate.

In a strange turn of events the local council got wind of what we were up to and decided to try and get in our good books by naming a variety of local amenities after our new cross. They hadn't even asked us what we were naming our new cross. They just (stupidly and unimaginatively) assumed that it would be called 'New Cross'. Not even nearly an evil enough name. After much deliberation we decided to call him 'Talavi Borgorth the Third'.
So another botched attempt by the council to appease Satan, however we thought we may as well at least record their renaming misadventures. It must've cost them a fair bit.

They named this local station after our new cross. We can only imagine that it has lead to a travel nightmare for everybody. The station used to be called 'London Bridge' which was a far more sensible name, considering it was next to London Bridge. Naming it after something that took two half drunk twenty somethings about 10 minutes to do on a Wednesday afternoon was a really stupid move. We have to believe that somebody lost their job for it.

The council also forced some local businesses to change their names, this shop wasn't even a pharmacy, it used to be a Modelzone. Yet more confusion conflicted on the poor people of London by a council hell bent on being mental.

But yeah we've got a new cross and its awesome.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

Sister Facts

The films 'Sister Act' and 'Sister Act 2; Sweet Jesus they're at it again' are two powerful films indeed. Powerful in that they could, if shown to the right people, turn a body of effectively useless old women into a pro-active force for battling evil through singing and skateboarding.

as this photograph proves.

To understand fully the true threat that the films pose to our beloved movement for the glorification of the Antichrist and his majestic perverse works of darkness you will need a quick summary of both.

Sister Act
Whoopi Goldberg, playing herself, is required to join a nunnery as a form of community service after she is caught stealing loaves of bread from the local bazaar. At first she is the opposite of stoked about the whole affair thinking that Nuns are rubbish and old and that old and rubbish people are boring. She has to do all the boring chores in the Nunnery like polishing the bibles and making the 'NunGruel' a special meal only Nuns eat, the ingredients of which are only hinted at in the film but its safe to assume there is only milk and radish in it or something. Not blood and souls like the delicious 'SatanGruel' we eat every morning.
Long and tedious story short, though, Whoopi eventually grows to love the Nuns even though they are backwards and racist. She teaches them, through a series of week long intensive workshops and seminars how to sing Satan battling songs, where to find Satanists (usually caves) and how to win against them in skateboarding competitions.

It honestly gets pretty watchable.

The climax of the film shows the Nunnery enter the local skate comp against the rawest set of early 90s punk Satanist teens in the whole of... Detroit. Or wherever it is set.
The Nuns win by putting off the evil teens by singing songs about Jesus at them whilst they are trying to do eggplants and the like. This is technically cheating but the message you're suppose to go away with is that the nuns were in the right and saved the day and that Whoopi Goldberg is a free thinking spirit not a bread stealing thief troll.

Sister Act 2: Good Lord, what now?

Taking infamously little at the box office and almost crippling the studios that pumped one and a quarter billion dollars into this awkward sequel, Sister Act 2: Bedtime Already? was a flop for many reasons. Having the whole film set in Germany and spoken in German was certainly one of the biggest reasons it failed in America, making out that all Germans were Satanists because Hitler put a hex upon the country just before he died was one of the biggest reasons it failed in Germany.
In Sister Act 2: Alert the Fire Steward! Whoopi and the gang are called by the EU to deal with Germany. The entire country's economy is going down the pan because all they are doing is rocking out to Satanic accordion Ballads and not doing any work, and there's only one gang of Skateboarding Nuns who can stop them.

the scenes of Bavaria moshing are some of the best ever to grace the silver screen.

The film follows a tried and tested American sports film formula, where the Nuns try and beat the Germans at skateboarding whilst singing but are embarrassingly defeated. then there is a training montage where they realise that skateboarding just isn't going to cut it and they have to learn to mosh even though it is a dark art, but Whoopi convinces the nuns that they can mosh for Jesus and eventually they defeat each individual German state until there is the final showdown with Bavaria. Obviously the Nuns win and the hex upon Germany is removed. The Germans wake up from their infernal possession and get back to work with twice the efficiency they normally work at.
One of the major problems with Sister Act 2: By the Beard of Allah is its length though, at 3 and a half hours this frank and compelling tale is just too drawn out. Yet even then in the right hands could mobilise the clergy into moshing against us. Something we are not willing to risk.

As such when we got wind of a new musical version of these rabidly anti-satanic tales hitting the west end we decided to hold a silent vigil outside it.
and then a noisy vigil inside it. eating crisps louding and rustling bags of minstrels etc. ruining anybody's chance of a good time. Unfortunately we forgot our ear plugs and the accursed music of Jesus Christ in heaven forced its way into our minds and hearts and we ended up moshing and skateboarding in the aisles and had a good time.
thus we went back to the silent vigil outside.

No word yet from the Vatican on how seriously they've taken our protests, or even if they've noticed them at all.

If you are keen on watching these movies yourself then by all means buy them on VHS here, or DVD here.

Thanks for listening.