Thursday, 20 January 2011

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 1.

It is a tough time for the discerning consumer in the current economic climate, and an even tougher time for the discerning Satanic consumer.
Questions regarding what is and is not acceptable to purchase at one's local hypermarche constantly whorl around the typical Satanist's mind, mixing with dark incantations and what to sacrifice this evening. We are here to answer some of those questions and make life that little bit easier for you, O unholy one.

We will start in this first of parts by going through what we have in stock in the bleedingoursouls mansion. Some produce is vital to a delicious dinner but embarrassing to buy and unacceptable to own. As such aforementioned produce must be baptised before it can be stored, or risk converting some of your Satanic perishables to followers of the word of the Lord God in the Highest.
Other consumables are so Satanic they actually must be constantly owned or you risk being excommunicated from the Satanic Order of unpleasant darken bastards.
We will only tell you detail about items falling into these two groups, any more would take all day and we don't have the time. We're doing you a favour here, remember. Don't get needy.

Basically if it's not mentioned here it is alright to buy and not baptise.

Pre-bagged Ice Cubes.
Lots of people don't buy ice cubes. Thats because a lot of people are not Satanists. Or are rubbish Satanists. Ice made in your fridge is not nearly as earth damaging as this ice. Shipped all the way from the Russian Federation, where is it hand sculpted by Siberian slave children as they are whipped by their cruel ice masters. As such each cube is coated with the tears of an innocent. Actually not each cube, but at least one in three. Also due to the long distance this ice has travelled its carbon footprint is huge. Carbon footprints are metal.

Milk is purest white, the least satanic colour imaginable. However it is also a vital ingredient in a number of delicious satanic treats, and thus unavoidable. Once you have gotten home from the shops place it immediately on your inverted cross and recite whatever local incantations you know to be most effective in your region. If you forget to baptise the milk then the next time you open your fridge you will have a fucking gospel choir staring back at you. Milk infects all it touches with the light of the lord.

An Egg.
An egg is another unfortunate side effect of our addiction to delicious Satanic treats. It is a must in most recipes from Bat Pie to Child Face Cake (which is not a cake that looks like a child's face, but rather one made from the faces of children). However it is also the symbol of rebirth and very linked to christian culture. That is what all that chocolate egg business at Easter is about.
Jonathan Eggsworth here will also have to be baptised before being placed in your kitchen.

Marmite Extra Old.
The next logical step in the creation of a delicious Satanic spread was to let it gestate and for the evil that hides within it to become wiser and more malignant. We all know that normal Marmite is made from sand, oil and the ashes from those burnt in mass graves after the war atrocities in Marmyte, Serbia during the second world war.
Marmite extra old was bottled when the ashes were still deep, and the ghosts of those decapitated with gunfire still angry. Nowadays a pot of Marmite has very little black magic in it.
Therefore this is a vital cupboard filler in any good satanic home.
However it is still only the second most Satanic spread for your toast...

Black Boot Polish.
Delicious and nutritious with a blend of over 30 Herbs and spices mixed within the congealed blood of horses and dogs, this is the ultimate spread.
It is little known that the name 'Kiwi Black Boot Polish', whilst seemingly nonsensical, actually refers to it's original usage in the 19th century when it was rubbed into the leather of boots to bring out a shine instead of being spread on bread.
How times have changed.

Some fruity pizza cutter.
This is not really a perishable but if you do buy any cutlery/crockery/anything that is this chirpy and camp baptise it immediately. Don't take any risks.

Quaker Oats.
Fuck Quaker oats, man. They are a conspiracy by a bunch of fat joyless Christians to make sure you have a shit time at breakfast. Unfortunately they can be used in 'Krakow Oat Bastards' which are delicious. If you must buy these then ensure they are good and baptised. We look down upon you for effectively giving money to the church though.

An Egg wearing sunglasses.
One of the only times we have not immediately baptised an egg was when we opened a box of 24 iceland battery eggs to find one of them wearing sunglasses. He was smooth, sophisticated and a lover of the arts. If you ever come across an egg with the charm and effortless style of this egg then immediately purchase him and place him upon the mantelpiece.

Assorted Greenery.
Scurvy is a disease that we associate with pirates. Pirates are fairly metal and thus by association is scurvy. Yet scurvy is an extremely unpleasant affliction to actually endure and leads to your teeth falling out and you growing wooden legs where your normal blood filled ones used to be. As such not eating your greens is a big career decision. One the one hand, yes you will be more intimidating to the christian passer by, on the other hand your chances of plumbing any satanic babes is reduced. If you're going to take the second option and eat greens, ensure they are baptised beforehand.

Worcestershire Sauce
In the early days of the British Empire, when goodwill was thin on the ground and racism was rife, it was considered proper form to pickle the body parts of executed criminals of colour. The infamous Duke of Worcestershire who presided over huge swathes of recently colonised India was of the opinion that because the new British subjects ate such a spice ridden diet, that the excess pickle juice of ex-criminal's legs/arms/faces would probably be delicious. Of course, he was right, and to this day his culinary breakthrough is a best seller across the globe amongst communities of black metallers and cannibals.

Derivations of this cereal have been eaten for centuries in the royal courts of eastern europe and the central asian steppes. It was considered a powerful aphrodisiac and thought to relieve the mental stress brought on by watching thousands of your own people starve to death during bad harvests. As such, you would think there no need to baptise this. Unfortunately in the process of being transported to the west and marketed here the packaging changed from THIS to the Tots TV bullshit you see adorning the box today. However when you baptise Ricicles their rich odious history is awakened and a transformation takes place...

Evil Ricicles
They have started wearing sunglasses.
Also a petrine cross and the number of the beast has miraculously been burnt into the otherwise unacceptably welcoming design.
This will now take pride of place in the larder.

In part 2 we enter an Establishment of Groce, to establish what groceries in which section are most established.

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