Sunday, 2 January 2011

Sister Facts

The films 'Sister Act' and 'Sister Act 2; Sweet Jesus they're at it again' are two powerful films indeed. Powerful in that they could, if shown to the right people, turn a body of effectively useless old women into a pro-active force for battling evil through singing and skateboarding.

as this photograph proves.

To understand fully the true threat that the films pose to our beloved movement for the glorification of the Antichrist and his majestic perverse works of darkness you will need a quick summary of both.

Sister Act
Whoopi Goldberg, playing herself, is required to join a nunnery as a form of community service after she is caught stealing loaves of bread from the local bazaar. At first she is the opposite of stoked about the whole affair thinking that Nuns are rubbish and old and that old and rubbish people are boring. She has to do all the boring chores in the Nunnery like polishing the bibles and making the 'NunGruel' a special meal only Nuns eat, the ingredients of which are only hinted at in the film but its safe to assume there is only milk and radish in it or something. Not blood and souls like the delicious 'SatanGruel' we eat every morning.
Long and tedious story short, though, Whoopi eventually grows to love the Nuns even though they are backwards and racist. She teaches them, through a series of week long intensive workshops and seminars how to sing Satan battling songs, where to find Satanists (usually caves) and how to win against them in skateboarding competitions.

It honestly gets pretty watchable.

The climax of the film shows the Nunnery enter the local skate comp against the rawest set of early 90s punk Satanist teens in the whole of... Detroit. Or wherever it is set.
The Nuns win by putting off the evil teens by singing songs about Jesus at them whilst they are trying to do eggplants and the like. This is technically cheating but the message you're suppose to go away with is that the nuns were in the right and saved the day and that Whoopi Goldberg is a free thinking spirit not a bread stealing thief troll.

Sister Act 2: Good Lord, what now?

Taking infamously little at the box office and almost crippling the studios that pumped one and a quarter billion dollars into this awkward sequel, Sister Act 2: Bedtime Already? was a flop for many reasons. Having the whole film set in Germany and spoken in German was certainly one of the biggest reasons it failed in America, making out that all Germans were Satanists because Hitler put a hex upon the country just before he died was one of the biggest reasons it failed in Germany.
In Sister Act 2: Alert the Fire Steward! Whoopi and the gang are called by the EU to deal with Germany. The entire country's economy is going down the pan because all they are doing is rocking out to Satanic accordion Ballads and not doing any work, and there's only one gang of Skateboarding Nuns who can stop them.

the scenes of Bavaria moshing are some of the best ever to grace the silver screen.

The film follows a tried and tested American sports film formula, where the Nuns try and beat the Germans at skateboarding whilst singing but are embarrassingly defeated. then there is a training montage where they realise that skateboarding just isn't going to cut it and they have to learn to mosh even though it is a dark art, but Whoopi convinces the nuns that they can mosh for Jesus and eventually they defeat each individual German state until there is the final showdown with Bavaria. Obviously the Nuns win and the hex upon Germany is removed. The Germans wake up from their infernal possession and get back to work with twice the efficiency they normally work at.
One of the major problems with Sister Act 2: By the Beard of Allah is its length though, at 3 and a half hours this frank and compelling tale is just too drawn out. Yet even then in the right hands could mobilise the clergy into moshing against us. Something we are not willing to risk.

As such when we got wind of a new musical version of these rabidly anti-satanic tales hitting the west end we decided to hold a silent vigil outside it.
and then a noisy vigil inside it. eating crisps louding and rustling bags of minstrels etc. ruining anybody's chance of a good time. Unfortunately we forgot our ear plugs and the accursed music of Jesus Christ in heaven forced its way into our minds and hearts and we ended up moshing and skateboarding in the aisles and had a good time.
thus we went back to the silent vigil outside.

No word yet from the Vatican on how seriously they've taken our protests, or even if they've noticed them at all.

If you are keen on watching these movies yourself then by all means buy them on VHS here, or DVD here.

Thanks for listening.

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