Saturday, 19 February 2011

Are goblins slowly taking over all the jobs in public services?

From the lowly binman to the Prime Minister's personal assistant, the same question is being asked by every public sector employee.
"Is my job at risk from goblins?"
Sadly for you humans, and not so sadly for us. The answer is a resounding yes.
Since the arrival of the Cameron/Clegg government the public sector has been vulnerable to huge cuts in manpower. However the coalition has also pledged to not let these cuts affect services.
There is surely no way to provide the same services AND axe over 800,000 jobs?
Well there is one way, but it requires the help of the UGA (United Goblin Association) and a fair amount of government cover up.
Goblins will work for extremely little, eating nothing but sand and live goats, working 24 hours a day and do any work no matter how dirty or degrading.
As such in many cities and boroughs across the country there have already been pilot schemes where goblins have been doing such menial labour as street sweeping, rubbish collection and a variety of roles in the NHS.
However they have left tell tale signs that they are doing these jobs.


Many people, upon first hearing that Goblins were going to replace medical personnel in the NHS were so aghast that they vomited up whole lungs. However it isn't actually that ground breaking a change to the way the current NHS is run. Since its inception goblins have been posing as doctors and nurses in the NHS for reasons that nobody can really fathom, and since the turn of the millenium the number has rocketed. Cameron's plans would really only be legitimising something that is already going on in the National Health Service.



what follows are some FAQs about goblins to calm your nervous nerves.

Should I be afraid?

Of course not, other than being the minions of lucifer and eating raw sand goblins are much like you and me. Like you or I they experience happiness, sadness, lust and a special goblin emotion called "Tygruzt" which is a little bit like being sea sick. but with rage.
They will work hard and long and keep to their own communities in natural limestone caves but their culture is rich and ancient and soon enough there will undoubtedly be some form of cross culture festival to welcome them. You'll fear them no more than you fear any other ethnicity.

What do goblins eat?
Sand and live goats. I've already covered this.

So they won't try to eat me?
not unless you are made of sand like the bad guy out of Spiderman 3 or a live goat like that live goat in Jurassic Park.

Do goblins speak english?
Barely. Some speak a bit and these are usually the ones in charge. Most of them speak goblin.
Goblin sounds like hungarian being spoken backwards underwater and most of the syllables are unpronounceable by human tongues. Goblins have no written language.

Can we trust them? do they commit crime?
We can trust them as far as doing the jobs they are being paid to do. Other than that they are fairly amoral and will be likely to commit a variety of mischief in the local area they are employed. As such they will always be chaperoned by a detachment of goblin guards. (these are men who guard the goblins not goblins who are guards)
They will be armed with guns that shoot little bits of metal called bullets that will kill the goblins if they break any human rules.

Oh Jesus are they violent? Will I be safe to walk the streets at night?
Nah they're honestly pretty chilled out little guys, they are more naughty than dangerous. more likely to draw a goblin penis on your wall than massacre your family. You are unlikely to meet them at night because they'll have been shepherded into their caves post-shift.

I am allergic to goblins, what shall I do?
You aren't allergic to goblins. How could you possibly know if you were allergic to goblins.


Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 2.

In the last post we touched upon what essentials were metal and which needed to be baptised before you could have them in your larder. Essential items such as an egg wearing sunglasses, cubed ice and a pizza cutter.
In this post we will be looking at luxuries.
We don't have the cash money to buy many of these luxuries so went to view them in the environment they are most comfortable in. The Hypermarche floor.
What follows is a list of the luxuries you are most likely to want to buy and our opinions on whether the discerning Satanist should be buying them. and in what quantities.

Loads of dead fish.
As Rudyard Kipling famously said on his death bed "I wish I had loads of dead fish." A sentiment we can all empathise with. Who amongst us hasn't wanted a load of dead fish at some point or another? Well you can feel safe in the knowledge that owning a load of dead fish is quite metal. Turning one dead fish into loads of dead fish was one of the only things Jesus did in his short life that was metal. That and being covered in blood at the end.


Profiteroles.
Profiteroles aren't metal. They're blasphemy. But blasphemy to the devil. So. Christians would probably consider them the opposite of blasphemy. whatever that is. A prayer I suppose.
Profiteroles are a prayer.
Madonna knew this.
Thats why she once pretended to be some profiteroles when she sang 'just like a prayer, I'll take you there'
And by 'there' she was probably referring to church.
Fuck profiteroles.


Cakes.
You know when something is so over the top that it goes from funny to not funny and then back to funny again?
Well that is kind of the case here but with cakes and being unholy.
What you have on the right is a cake that hasn't tried hard enough and is just saddening.
On the left is a cake that is so fruity that it has gone right through the spectrum of fruitiness and back to being metal.
(all cakes start life as being metal and then have fancy designs iced over them - proof)


Booze.
Red wine is a luxury that all the other Satanists in your neighbourhood will be jealous that you can afford. It is metal for an abundance of reasons that I won't go into.
Okay, no, I will.
A - Looks like blood if you squint.
B - As such the consequences of you drinking loads of it are well metal. Proof
C - The Romans invented it. And they worshiped men with beards who lived on mountains.

WKDs are effectively the opposite of red wine.
They taste like sparkles and deliciousness.
They were invented by the Thatcher government to keep the proletariat entertained and in turn break miners strikes back in the 80s. Of course it worked and now ex miners and children of miners up and down the country drink them every friday and saturday night in bizarre courting rituals.

Dark bloody rum. Its in the name. dark. rum. it's already metal, and we've only addressed the name. We haven't touched upon the fact that it is the chosen tipple of pirates, Satanists of the high seas. We haven't touched upon the fact that is made with tears, alcohol, liquid crime and dragon's blood. We haven't touched upon the fact that Gavrilo Principe was fucked up on dark rum when he shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand and started the First World War. We haven't touched upon the fact that in 1992 archaeologists in Norway discovered a viking burial mound holding thousands of bodies, each of whom was holding a bottle of Dark Rum. (or in Norwegian - mørk rom) And we haven't touched upon the fact that almost all of the famous Satanic drinking games involved dark rum; Rum island, Rumkin's Drop, Rumble in the Jungle, the drums of war, Girls just wanna have rum and 'don't be alarumed'.
But theres no time to touch upon any of these facts.

As we are about to be kicked out of the supermarket.