Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 2.

In the last post we touched upon what essentials were metal and which needed to be baptised before you could have them in your larder. Essential items such as an egg wearing sunglasses, cubed ice and a pizza cutter.
In this post we will be looking at luxuries.
We don't have the cash money to buy many of these luxuries so went to view them in the environment they are most comfortable in. The Hypermarche floor.
What follows is a list of the luxuries you are most likely to want to buy and our opinions on whether the discerning Satanist should be buying them. and in what quantities.

Loads of dead fish.
As Rudyard Kipling famously said on his death bed "I wish I had loads of dead fish." A sentiment we can all empathise with. Who amongst us hasn't wanted a load of dead fish at some point or another? Well you can feel safe in the knowledge that owning a load of dead fish is quite metal. Turning one dead fish into loads of dead fish was one of the only things Jesus did in his short life that was metal. That and being covered in blood at the end.


Profiteroles.
Profiteroles aren't metal. They're blasphemy. But blasphemy to the devil. So. Christians would probably consider them the opposite of blasphemy. whatever that is. A prayer I suppose.
Profiteroles are a prayer.
Madonna knew this.
Thats why she once pretended to be some profiteroles when she sang 'just like a prayer, I'll take you there'
And by 'there' she was probably referring to church.
Fuck profiteroles.


Cakes.
You know when something is so over the top that it goes from funny to not funny and then back to funny again?
Well that is kind of the case here but with cakes and being unholy.
What you have on the right is a cake that hasn't tried hard enough and is just saddening.
On the left is a cake that is so fruity that it has gone right through the spectrum of fruitiness and back to being metal.
(all cakes start life as being metal and then have fancy designs iced over them - proof)


Booze.
Red wine is a luxury that all the other Satanists in your neighbourhood will be jealous that you can afford. It is metal for an abundance of reasons that I won't go into.
Okay, no, I will.
A - Looks like blood if you squint.
B - As such the consequences of you drinking loads of it are well metal. Proof
C - The Romans invented it. And they worshiped men with beards who lived on mountains.

WKDs are effectively the opposite of red wine.
They taste like sparkles and deliciousness.
They were invented by the Thatcher government to keep the proletariat entertained and in turn break miners strikes back in the 80s. Of course it worked and now ex miners and children of miners up and down the country drink them every friday and saturday night in bizarre courting rituals.

Dark bloody rum. Its in the name. dark. rum. it's already metal, and we've only addressed the name. We haven't touched upon the fact that it is the chosen tipple of pirates, Satanists of the high seas. We haven't touched upon the fact that is made with tears, alcohol, liquid crime and dragon's blood. We haven't touched upon the fact that Gavrilo Principe was fucked up on dark rum when he shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand and started the First World War. We haven't touched upon the fact that in 1992 archaeologists in Norway discovered a viking burial mound holding thousands of bodies, each of whom was holding a bottle of Dark Rum. (or in Norwegian - mørk rom) And we haven't touched upon the fact that almost all of the famous Satanic drinking games involved dark rum; Rum island, Rumkin's Drop, Rumble in the Jungle, the drums of war, Girls just wanna have rum and 'don't be alarumed'.
But theres no time to touch upon any of these facts.

As we are about to be kicked out of the supermarket.

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