Saturday, 26 March 2011

Spring, ye shall not pass

"and it was written that once the guardians that preceded the coming of spring had all been destroyed, the eternal winter of his unholy rule could finally be celebrated'
Aleister Crowley - The Book of Belial

Year after year we are shocked and appalled as the nights getting shorter, brighter and warmer and the days grow longer start to be filled with happy smiling, semi clad humans. This happens annually and is called summer and it is shit. The opening stage of 'summer' is called 'spring' and this stands for 'summer prepares raising it's noxious gas'. A little known fact is that the days get longer and warmer because of an increased release of methane throughout spring from little yellow ground trumpets or 'daffodils'. Quite how the methane expelled from these holy appendages causes the days to grow longer and warmer is something I will leave science and google to explain to you, not a lowly Satanic priest such as myself. However it happens and ruins 6 months of every year for us.

Logic thus dictates that if we use our considerable powers of black magic to kill all GGTs then summer shall never begin. We used one of the most powerful hexes we know on a single daffodil first to see if they could feasibly be killed en masse.

Observe. One daffodil.
swear at it a bit to soften it up then perform some secret black magic.

aaand its gone.

so effective was our spell that we started to exercise our special brand of magic on the rest of the daffodils in the world, patch by patch.

however we eventually got tired.

secret black magic tires your arms out, so we only ended up killing like 40-45.

Pictured; Why Secret Black Magic is so tiring.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Innocent smoothies make a poor business decision.

As you may or may not know, recently we sent out a variety of letters/death threats to various corporations and government bodies. Some of these correspondences attempted to form alliances whilst others simply stated that we were going to burn down the premises from which they operated within the next couple of days. very few people got back to us.
One company who did, however, was innocent fruit smoothies.
We had approached them with the offer of peace and possibly boosting sales for their product via free advertising in the underworld in exchange for financial support. We need this financial support because we are in the formative stages of building a death ray. which costs much dollar.
This is the letter we sent them.

Curt, to the point and generally persuasive. We thought that the response would be one affirming that the offer we had presented them with was the sort of commercial opportunity they had been searching for their entire lives.
Unfortunately we didn't gauge just how anti-change joe public is. It's the 21st century now and yet smoothie companies are still not in the position to sponsor blogs about Satan. Its sad. 50 years from now our grandchildren will look back on 2011 and be saddened by the close mindedness they see. We don't blame innocent for this, but their consumer base.
What follows is the letter we were sent;
"hello bleeding our souls wizards,
how lovely to hear from you. Sponsoring a blog about Satan isn't something we've ever given much though to, so we really appreciate you bringing it to our attention. Sadly we don't feel that affiliating ourselves with Lucifer is the right thing to do given the current climate (OF CLOSE MINDED RELIGIOUS HATE) but we may well review this in the future. In the meantime may these smoothies cleanse your blackened souls.
All the best, Jojo."

Innocent's attempt at bribing us with smoothies worked, of course, and they are now on our 'don't burn down their factory' list of companies. However no amount of smoothies will ever cleanse our blackened souls. They will merely obscure the blackness with multicoloured fruit pulp.
The danegeld that innocent palmed us off with.

As you may have noticed in the first letter you read, we had pre-enclosed an acceptance letter to make their lives easier.
Whilst not completely ignoring it they did annotate it to destroy the message entirely.
However we forgive them for not welcoming us into their factory to baptise it, unless they want to bring out a new flavour called BLOOD OF FRESHLY SLAUGHTERED WOMEN AND CHILDREN which will coincidentally become the only flavour they sell then its probably for the best we aren't allowed inside.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Free zines and stickers for people who live in interesting places.

So we made a bunch of zines and due to a drought of imagination can't think of who to give the last few to. We had previously been charging £6.66 for copies at a considerable loss. The loss was due to our demand that they be printed on black leather, something that the men down at the print shop had never done before and were not keen on learning.
Recently though we've come to accept that Satanists were never built to be successful capitalists due to our non existent customer service skills and blood drinking tendencies so have packed it in, opting instead to give them away for free with some stickers thrown in to put up on the wall of your lair or whatever.
We don't have many though so we're only sending them to the raddest locations. If you live somewhere we deem far away/your road has a funny name (bellenden road in peckham being a good example) then we'll send you a little package of eternal damnation FREE OF CHARGE.
just e-mail to be in the running.
p.s - if you are from japan you will automatically win because we think you need cheering up. keep that in mind japan.