Friday, 18 March 2011

Innocent smoothies make a poor business decision.

As you may or may not know, recently we sent out a variety of letters/death threats to various corporations and government bodies. Some of these correspondences attempted to form alliances whilst others simply stated that we were going to burn down the premises from which they operated within the next couple of days. very few people got back to us.
One company who did, however, was innocent fruit smoothies.
We had approached them with the offer of peace and possibly boosting sales for their product via free advertising in the underworld in exchange for financial support. We need this financial support because we are in the formative stages of building a death ray. which costs much dollar.
This is the letter we sent them.

Curt, to the point and generally persuasive. We thought that the response would be one affirming that the offer we had presented them with was the sort of commercial opportunity they had been searching for their entire lives.
Unfortunately we didn't gauge just how anti-change joe public is. It's the 21st century now and yet smoothie companies are still not in the position to sponsor blogs about Satan. Its sad. 50 years from now our grandchildren will look back on 2011 and be saddened by the close mindedness they see. We don't blame innocent for this, but their consumer base.
What follows is the letter we were sent;
"hello bleeding our souls wizards,
how lovely to hear from you. Sponsoring a blog about Satan isn't something we've ever given much though to, so we really appreciate you bringing it to our attention. Sadly we don't feel that affiliating ourselves with Lucifer is the right thing to do given the current climate (OF CLOSE MINDED RELIGIOUS HATE) but we may well review this in the future. In the meantime may these smoothies cleanse your blackened souls.
All the best, Jojo."

Innocent's attempt at bribing us with smoothies worked, of course, and they are now on our 'don't burn down their factory' list of companies. However no amount of smoothies will ever cleanse our blackened souls. They will merely obscure the blackness with multicoloured fruit pulp.
The danegeld that innocent palmed us off with.

As you may have noticed in the first letter you read, we had pre-enclosed an acceptance letter to make their lives easier.
Whilst not completely ignoring it they did annotate it to destroy the message entirely.
However we forgive them for not welcoming us into their factory to baptise it, unless they want to bring out a new flavour called BLOOD OF FRESHLY SLAUGHTERED WOMEN AND CHILDREN which will coincidentally become the only flavour they sell then its probably for the best we aren't allowed inside.

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