Monday, 25 April 2011

More signs that the Satanic revolution is nigh.

Whilst the religious mortals that inhabit this foolish isle discuss alternative voting procedures the Satanic legionnaires amongst them are discussing a different kind of political reform.
This political reform will be pretty much universally unpopular with anybody that isn't Satan's devoted follower though.
The plan is to boil down all the politicians and civil servants currently running the country into a sort of thick broth, drink it, and with the power it imbues call upon the gates of hell to open, and welcome in an eternal reign of blackness.
Unfortunately the dark ranks of Lucifer's representatives on Earth are fucking disorganised and so far the only signs of the coming political apocalypse are hilarious daubings on local walls.
However recently we've spotted some fresh ones which suggests that at least more wizards are on board.

Dear police reading the blog, please note we didn't do this. Nor do we know who did.

If you are a practitioner of evil magic and are sick with the fact that there is no political party at the moment with black as their party colour/motto/manifesto well why not join the next unholy revolutionary meeting!
Please pop along on the second Saturday of every month to the cellar of this creepy looking building at 11am sharp. Orange squash and custard creams will be provided but we're not made of money so turn up early or they'll all be gone. I imagine there'll be one packet max.
In fact bring your own biscuits.
As a sign of your devotion to the cause/Satan.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Prints of Darkness

We have recently come into possession of some vellum prints that proclaim our name and our purpose. Like the good missionaries of Satan that we are, we plan on dispatching these scraps of parchment across the globe to spread the bad news of the dark one's imminent takeover.
If you, sniveling acolyte, would like to own one of these items of unimaginable value then please e-mail and we will discuss whether you are worthy to receive such a document of power.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Royally Weddding Our Souls

On the 29th of April you are cordially invited to join an already expansive band of British Satanists who are planning on marching in support of the royal wedding.
The Royals and Satan have had a healthy and ongoing relationship since 1066 and has been written in national legislature since 1666.
There are currently about 13,000 wizards suspected to attend and that figure is rapidly growing.
If you want to join in on a satanic walk to end all satanic walks then turn up in trafalgar sqaure on the 29th of April at 10am wearing all black and preferably carrying some sort of placard/blood soaked animal corpse. We'll know who you are and why you are there.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Bleeding Our Souls is one today!

Of course the wizards that make up our numbers have been up to no good and regaling anybody who will listen with stories of their deeds for thousands of years. However they have only been doing so in this online format for one english year. To celebrate this we bring you a selection of photos from the past year that we think are awesome. y'know a little bit like a lazy sitcom will do with what they deem are funny clips.

A dog we befriended that was terrified of inverted crosses
and as such had to be baptised

A panda and its adopted human children loose on southbank that we attempted to baptise.

A car we rode about in before it got crushed and turned into saucepans in china (true story)

A forty acre crop fire that we may or may not have started.

An Irish cross that we showed who was boss.

Some rituals we performed.
Some street pastors we converted to the dark cause.

Some sheep we bothered for Beelzebub.

A cat we baptised.

A wood goblin we had no time for.

A fruity bird that got what was coming for it.
A cave we briefly called home.

An evil egg we cooked.

An evil egg that was too evil to cook.

Some satanic shit.

A satanic rat burial.
An evil skip we ollied into.
A town we baptised.

A path that led to nothing but pre-teen alcoholism and violent drunken sodomy.

A malevolent shed we briefly called home.

Some news clippings that we haven't doctored.

Another cave we briefly called home.
A tree house we briefly called home.
A woodland clearing we briefly called home
A south London chicken shop we briefly called home.
A cafe car park/dogging site we briefly called our home.

A girl we cured with black magic.

A sea we baptised.
A time we had.

Next year we summon a medley of rubbish demons, go on tour to the canary islands and spit upon the sanctity of marriage in more ways than one.