Thursday, 12 May 2011

An aeons old Satanic conspiracy is rumbled by the world's rubbishest book

What you see in the above picture is a piece of literature that has successfully blown the whistle on a conspiracy wrought by Satan and his human followers which has fooled the scientific community and the world at large since the first millenium ad. Unfortunately for everybody it has also been written by a bell end. and as such nobody is going to believe it.
We may as well tell you the truth behind the conspiracy as if you're reading this worldwidewebsite then you are already on satan's side, to be quite frank i'll be surprised if he hasn't already come to you in a dream and told you about it all. Maybe he doesn't value you as much as us.
Basically Satan thought it'd be a right L.A.U.G.H. to go about spreading the rumour that the earth was a sphere, there were already certain weird tell tale signs that it might be a sphere anyway, you know like how if a ship goes more than 20 miles away from you out at sea it disappears over the horizon? But basically it is actually flat, Lucifer and his acolytes (which these days includes us) have been feeding false info to the courts of medieval Europe and Asia and then in more recent years to NASA (Nasa were harder to trick, they kept going into space and we had to drug their astronauts after they got back to earth before anybody else could get to them.)
Anyway, this fucking bloke has managed to work out the whole thing.
he even knows it was Satan who came up with it! Although he does think we're called 'illuminati' for some reason... and that we are "mainly gay."

We'll give you the first three pages of the book for you to read to get a little taste of this gentleman's penmanship. He has an unconventional writing style that you might want to soak up.

What a load of bollocks right? Unfortunately not, everything he says is true. And nobody is more upset about that than us, entire lifetimes of work have gone into keeping this secret hidden.

However it is unlikely that normal shoe wearing capeless people will ever read this book and take it as gospel. This is because the author has also included some sections that are balls-to-the-wall pants-on-head cats-driving-cars-underwater retarded, which undermines his otherwise very astute argument.
here are some of the choicest cuts.

(apologies for the poor quality of the photos but fuck scanners)

Dear Christian Flat Earth Mentalist,
When writing a pamphlet that proposes a radical alternative to a theory that almost everyone on earth lives their lives by (no matter how created by Satan that theory admittedly is) do NOT use a film you saw down the IMAX as one of your most crucial pieces of evidence, everybody will think you are weird.
Yours Truly

The moon and stars are only 1000 miles away, the sun is only 700 miles away. Those sound like fairly arbitrary distances but fair enough my friend. However I must take umbridge with your claim that the Sun is 32 miles across, its a 42 mile journey from Maidstone to Brighton, which is like a 45 minute drive. You're telling people that you could drive across the sun in less time. This just sounds silly.
If you're going to come out with such things then don't give exact numbers, just say its a bit smaller than currently thought but you couldn't possibly come out with a specific as you've never measured it. Trust us, man. We've been lying to people for years. Specific numbers are very easy to mock, especially one as ridiculous as 32.

"Have another look at the windows logo on your computer"
We just need to highlight here that at no point prior to this in the book has he told the reader to look at the windows logo on their computer. So this 'another' business is very strange. Also we looked at the windows logo for a while and it seemingly had nothing to do with his argument. Its as if he's trying to distract you whilst he quickly pens another awful hand drawn diagram.

The pinnacle and (what should be) crowning moment of this young man's treatise on the planet is the revelation that Satan is behind all this. Any articulate person would build this moment up, maybe even give it a chapter to itself.But not our counter-conspiracist, he bumfs it up royally.

" We are held in bondage by a pack of lies, all manner of blackmail and sabotage. The money supply, the banking system - VISA is 666. So is Newtons Flaws of Motion
(excellent pun work, that'd better be deliberate)
- Invented 1666, plunged the world into darkness! "

Now there is so much grammatically wrong with that section of text we dare not start picking it apart lest this blog post go on forever. But we would just like to question how VISA is 666 exactly? Theres... just... no link between the two?
I wish there were, if there were i'd get rid of my fucking mastercard right now.
Oh yeah and after that he suggests that if you were told the truth about gravity then you could build a plane in your back garden and fly to any other back garden in the world.
Which suggests that he does know the truth about gravity, so presumably his main method of transportation is speeding through the skies in a contraption he made in his shed.

This is where he lays into us. Apparently we are mainly white, male and gay. Not sure where he's getting this from, the homosexual membership of Satan's dark army is no more or less than the number you would find in any cross section of modern society. Maybe he means it in the 1950's sense, but he's be wrong there too, there is nothing metal about being chipper. And if he means it in the classroom insult way then... well... fuck you man, you're gay.
Also he mentions that on his fruity website there are some pictures of women, just in case you felt gay after reading the word gay and needed your being straight topped up by some nudy lady photos. (I assume they're nudy, we couldn't find the website)

If Wikipedia is not an acceptable source for a piece of A level Politics coursework then it is certainly not an acceptable source for a world changing pamphlet of investigative scientific journalism. Don't put it in caps as if you're proud of it.

He posed an unrelated question and we answered it. The gulf stream would still work whether to earth was flat or round. Satan has nothing to do with this.

If 'so many persons' had asked me such questions I would probably set them an equally impossible-to-achieve experiment. If you are trying to successfully rumble an unholy conspiracy that is as deep seated as this one in the planet's psyche you are going to need to set them easier-to-perform scientific experiments than that.

Oh well I suppose it doesn't really matter because nobody has ever crossed Antarctica to prove your counter-theory wrong.
It'll be that massive ice wall stopping them I suppose.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

The Satanic Revolution is countered by the Metropolitan police

As masters of all dark wizardry, from summoning plagues of locusts to predicting football results, we thought we would be able to accurately prophecise the day when all would rise up against the secular rule we currently languish under. The day that we foretold was the 29th of April, coincidentally the day that one of the most powerful magical families in all the world added a new member to its ranks via a televised marriage. This meant that the capital city would be full of people, some of which were revelers, many of which were disgruntled satanists prowling the streets hungry to revolt.
We attempted to be a catalytic force in the obvious revolution that was at hand by organising a march which would bring together our widely dipersed brothers and sisters and descend on parliament, probably converting many to the ways of Beelzebub as we went.

These were the signs we planned on carrying as we lead the march.

This was how we planned to appear on the big day once we had gotten into the heart of London.
Obviously as the Met are sponsored and run by Mormons, Catholics and Seventh Day Adventists we would have to go in disguise until it was too late for them to arrest us.

Unfortunately for us and the wider Satanic cause the Met had seers that predicted our malicious machinations and we were nabbed before we could even don our corpse paint. We were told that our signs were 'offensive' and that 'people had complained' and that they could 'do' us for 'breach of the peace' we knew not what any of these mysterious mortal words meant but accepted that the day was lost unless he who dwells below could summon a horde of demons to get our signs back.

As you can see here (as the finger too close to the lens helpfully points you to) our signs have been thrown into the back of the police van.
No amount of wordsmithery could get them all back.

but we managed to get one back that was deemed 'inoffensive'.
Also please note that merely by being near us, the female police officer seated in the van has become 30 times more rad and is throwing the horns in the back ground of this picture.
Unfortunately she has got it slightly wrong, but the effort is there.

We will update this post as more photos come in from friends and allies.