Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Bleeding Our Souls and the Moroccan Goats of Damnation

Goats are generally accepted to be the worst blokes at the best of times.
When they aren't trying to eat an item of your clothing, they're kicking off about nothing in particular. Shouting nonsense and the like.

Unacceptable behaviour.

Well with this in mind consider the level of mischief that occurs when a legion of these hairy bastards joins up with the forces of darkness. Shit gets real. fast.
Fortunately for most of us (not Moroccans) the only place you can come face to face with these sentinels of farmyard crime is the island of Morocco.

They do all their sentinelling from up in trees. Apparently.

When we got word of these interesting evil goats, we decided to pay them a visit and exchange wisdom. Obviously we have much to impart, and as the only evil goats we have ever heard of we can only imagine they would have some hints and tips to increase our satanic efficiency two or maybe even three fold.
The journey took fifteen weeks by foot, canoe and paddle steamer and when we arrived in the valley of Kalak ta'un where the goats reside there was much rejoicing.

Pictured; Much Rejoicing

We managed to find the mysterious and oft smoke filled swamp that the evil Goats of Christmas Past inhabit and screamed some corrupted hymns into the sky to hopefully cast good fortune upon the upcoming meeting.

The goats were holding a secret meeting to discuss their next act of global terrorism underneath their historic Tree of Decision, we crept up so as not to spook them and attempted to introduce ourselves/put upon them just a slice of our three tiered cake of Satanic knowledge.

Unfortunately the goats were uppity fucks and decided that they knew more than us, they didn't even hang around to hear the end of our pre-written soliloquy.

We left feeling pretty miserable, fifteen weeks travel down the drain, countless monies from the bleedingoursouls hedge fund wasted, favours that could have been spent on painting national monuments black were unecessarily called in for nothing.
None of us had ever been swimming before, because evil satanic wizards are infamously hard to teach to swim because all they are interested in is casting spells and drinking blood. But many a mortal had said how much fun it is. So in this moment of real depression, we decided to have a go at swimming. To see if it'd cheer us up.

Nah, its shit.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Attempting to re-start the First World War via the medium of stickers.

The First World War may have been the world's most goffick war. It's not certain, there have been lots of very death metal wars, the most notable being the innumerable viking wars where huge axes, ridiculous helmets, full corpse paint and probably capes with upside down crosses on them were prevalent. However thanks to the sheer misery it caused to everybody even slightly involved and the fact that because of the mud everywhere it sort of looked like everybody had corpse paint on, we deem WW1 the most Satastic (thats fantastically satanic.)

plus look at this shit they were driving about. It's as if we fucking sponsored the whole thing.

With this in mind we decided to do everybody a favour and get the whole thing going again, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that it's still only on a ceasefire or something?
I might have made that up.
Whatever. It means that it'll not take much to re-start it.
'As little as sticking bleeding our souls stickers to lamp posts near famous national monuments in the countries of the bad guys?' I hear you cry. Well we hope so because thats what we did. We assume that the bad guys, being the bad guys, will be more easily wound up than the good guys.

They'll be all like 'Who stuck all these Satanic stickers everywhere? fuck.'
and then they'll be like 'I bet it was those dickbars we had that ceasefire with that time back in the olden days, remember? that big war? yeah. right. It's back on, man. I'm so pissed off right now. I hate satanic stickers.'
And then we'll be like 'Sah-weeet' and rub our hands together with malicious glee.

Basically though we didn't do any particular research on who fought in the first world war but the Germans were definitely involved and we watched Gallipoli the other day so now know that the Turkish were involved in some capacity too.
(if you've never seen the film Gallipoli here is the trailer with Bryan Adams over the top of it)



So now sit back, relax, and wait for the first world war.