bleedingoursouls

Halaloween

2011-11-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

Too often satanists celebrate halloween by actively trying to piss off christians, whilst this is as fun as it is funny, we have taken a stand to make halloween more trans-religious. We would normally at halloween kill a few goats, drink their blood, summon some demons and run amok.
however this halloween we decided not only pump money into the local community but also annoy another chunk of the populace by buying sacred halal goats heads. They might not have been that sacred but lets pretend they were.
they didn't have much blood in them but we assumed that they would still be good objects to summon demons with by setting them alight with the fires of belial.

they weren't.

we got good vibes from the first goat's skull when we got him to the house. He was definitely not stunned before slaughter and gave off a sort of 'i would be a good aide to summon demons with' air.
We needed them both to be too, we'd invited loads of satanic sluts and other wizards to come to our temple so we could show off our summoning skills.

There was some minor conjuring for a while where the skull floated around the inner sanctum granting wishes, but only if the wish was ' I want to see a floating halal goat skull '

shortly afterwards they broke into flame of their own accord and started screaming their intentions to not allow us to summon demons because we weren't awesome enough wizards. then breathing fire on us whenever we tried to hit them into shutting up.

so in the end we were shown up by the halal goats heads because they were too imbued with the power of halal. next time we will stick to goats that have been killed in the traditional christian manner; in a church, by jesus, at christmas. talking of christmas we plan on trans religioning that too. the current plan is scientologistmas. but that may change. watch this space...

We have a new intern...

2011-09-21T02:34:00.001-07:00

Its a 3000 year old Buddhist statue of a golden satanic bird monster throwing the horns that currently resides in the British museum.
All criteria for joining had been filled, it didn't need to even apply for a position with us, it received an honorary one.
So if you want to be our next team member just keep the following points in mind to be considered for an internship.

- throw the horns a lot.

- be over 1000 years old.

- preferably be made of gold/purest black.
- live in a glass box in a centuries old British institution

- be a satanic bird monster.

Previous interns have gone on to high paying positions in the BBC, Pricewaterhousecoopers, John Lewis and the Seventh Circle of Hell so get involved. Today!

Bleeding Our Souls and the Moroccan Goats of Damnation

2011-08-30T14:18:00.000-07:00

Goats are generally accepted to be the worst blokes at the best of times.

When they aren't trying to eat an item of your clothing, they're kicking off about nothing in particular. Shouting nonsense and the like.

Unacceptable behaviour.

Well with this in mind consider the level of mischief that occurs when a legion of these hairy bastards joins up with the forces of darkness. Shit gets real. fast.
Fortunately for most of us (not Moroccans) the only place you can come face to face with these sentinels of farmyard crime is the island of Morocco.

They do all their sentinelling from up in trees. Apparently.

When we got word of these interesting evil goats, we decided to pay them a visit and exchange wisdom. Obviously we have much to impart, and as the only evil goats we have ever heard of we can only imagine they would have some hints and tips to increase our satanic efficiency two or maybe even three fold.
The journey took fifteen weeks by foot, canoe and paddle steamer and when we arrived in the valley of Kalak ta'un where the goats reside there was much rejoicing.

Pictured; Much Rejoicing

We managed to find the mysterious and oft smoke filled swamp that the evil Goats of Christmas Past inhabit and screamed some corrupted hymns into the sky to hopefully cast good fortune upon the upcoming meeting.

The goats were holding a secret meeting to discuss their next act of global terrorism underneath their historic Tree of Decision, we crept up so as not to spook them and attempted to introduce ourselves/put upon them just a slice of our three tiered cake of Satanic knowledge.

Unfortunately the goats were uppity fucks and decided that they knew more than us, they didn't even hang around to hear the end of our pre-written soliloquy.

We left feeling pretty miserable, fifteen weeks travel down the drain, countless monies from the bleedingoursouls hedge fund wasted, favours that could have been spent on painting national monuments black were unecessarily called in for nothing.

Fuck.

None of us had ever been swimming before, because evil satanic wizards are infamously hard to teach to swim because all they are interested in is casting spells and drinking blood. But many a mortal had said how much fun it is. So in this moment of real depression, we decided to have a go at swimming. To see if it'd cheer us up.

Nah, its shit.

Attempting to re-start the First World War via the medium of stickers.

2011-08-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

The First World War may have been the world's most goffick war. It's not certain, there have been lots of very death metal wars, the most notable being the innumerable viking wars where huge axes, ridiculous helmets, full corpse paint and probably capes with upside down crosses on them were prevalent. However thanks to the sheer misery it caused to everybody even slightly involved and the fact that because of the mud everywhere it sort of looked like everybody had corpse paint on, we deem WW1 the most Satastic (thats fantastically satanic.)

plus look at this shit they were driving about. It's as if we fucking sponsored the whole thing.

With this in mind we decided to do everybody a favour and get the whole thing going again, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that it's still only on a ceasefire or something?

I might have made that up.
Whatever. It means that it'll not take much to re-start it.
'As little as sticking bleeding our souls stickers to lamp posts near famous national monuments in the countries of the bad guys?' I hear you cry. Well we hope so because thats what we did. We assume that the bad guys, being the bad guys, will be more easily wound up than the good guys.

They'll be all like 'Who stuck all these Satanic stickers everywhere? fuck.'
and then they'll be like 'I bet it was those dickbars we had that ceasefire with that time back in the olden days, remember? that big war? yeah. right. It's back on, man. I'm so pissed off right now. I hate satanic stickers.'
And then we'll be like 'Sah-weeet' and rub our hands together with malicious glee.

Basically though we didn't do any particular research on who fought in the first world war but the Germans were definitely involved and we watched Gallipoli the other day so now know that the Turkish were involved in some capacity too.

(if you've never seen the film Gallipoli here is the trailer with Bryan Adams over the top of it)

Istanbul

Berlin

So now sit back, relax, and wait for the first world war.

again.

George W. Bush & The Satanic Pact of Awesomeness

2011-06-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush; Artist, maverick, poet and all round role model to the budding satanist.

Born into abject poverty in the midst of the Great Depression young George and his family would try to survive by finding anything they could to eat in the tumbledown farmsteads of southern Texas. One day a travelling preacher came passing through the area the Bush brigade were camped and told them fabulous stories of the power of Jesus and the temptations of Satan. Little George ignored the Jesus stuff and immediately focussed on what Lucifer could do for him instead. He gave the dark one a call by sacrificing a local goat. He requested riches and power for his family and that is what he got. This is because Satan bloody delivers. Since then he has been a friend to the fledgling Satanist movement throughout his amoral political career. Arguably making us the powerful force for change we are today. He keeps his precious Satan-given powers by praising Satan via hand signals whenever a camera is turned on him or his family.

His wife is on board too.

So is his slamming daughter.

He even snuck in a cheeky horn throw when he got to meet the queen. What a trooper.

Since his meteoric rise to fame and his universal popularity that has been a consequence of it, other figures in the public eye have followed his lead and also allied themselves to the Lord of the Underworld.

The pope joining in was the paradox of the decade but one that made everybody involved extremely happy, especially the pope. Look how stoked he is.

Bush's little m8 Dick Cheney tried to join in, but he lacked the balls to do it properly so only praised Satan from inside limousines. As such he hasn't enjoyed the same level of popularity. at all. Nobody likes him.

The King of France has also gotten in on the act. How successful he has been is impossible to tell because all the news we're getting from france is in french.

Bono attempted to make the pact to increase his popularity. He did everything right and contacted Satan in the right manner. However even Satan's powers have a limit. Nobody can make this wankcarpet liked.

Go home Bono.

An aeons old Satanic conspiracy is rumbled by the world's rubbishest book

2011-05-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

What you see in the above picture is a piece of literature that has successfully blown the whistle on a conspiracy wrought by Satan and his human followers which has fooled the scientific community and the world at large since the first millenium ad. Unfortunately for everybody it has also been written by a bell end. and as such nobody is going to believe it.

We may as well tell you the truth behind the conspiracy as if you're reading this worldwidewebsite then you are already on satan's side, to be quite frank i'll be surprised if he hasn't already come to you in a dream and told you about it all. Maybe he doesn't value you as much as us.

Basically Satan thought it'd be a right L.A.U.G.H. to go about spreading the rumour that the earth was a sphere, there were already certain weird tell tale signs that it might be a sphere anyway, you know like how if a ship goes more than 20 miles away from you out at sea it disappears over the horizon? But basically it is actually flat, Lucifer and his acolytes (which these days includes us) have been feeding false info to the courts of medieval Europe and Asia and then in more recent years to NASA (Nasa were harder to trick, they kept going into space and we had to drug their astronauts after they got back to earth before anybody else could get to them.)

Anyway, this fucking bloke has managed to work out the whole thing.

he even knows it was Satan who came up with it! Although he does think we're called 'illuminati' for some reason... and that we are "mainly gay."

We'll give you the first three pages of the book for you to read to get a little taste of this gentleman's penmanship. He has an unconventional writing style that you might want to soak up.

What a load of bollocks right? Unfortunately not, everything he says is true. And nobody is more upset about that than us, entire lifetimes of work have gone into keeping this secret hidden.

However it is unlikely that normal shoe wearing capeless people will ever read this book and take it as gospel. This is because the author has also included some sections that are balls-to-the-wall pants-on-head cats-driving-cars-underwater retarded, which undermines his otherwise very astute argument.

here are some of the choicest cuts.

(apologies for the poor quality of the photos but fuck scanners)

Dear Christian Flat Earth Mentalist,

When writing a pamphlet that proposes a radical alternative to a theory that almost everyone on earth lives their lives by (no matter how created by Satan that theory admittedly is) do NOT use a film you saw down the IMAX as one of your most crucial pieces of evidence, everybody will think you are weird.

Yours Truly

Bleedingoursouls

The moon and stars are only 1000 miles away, the sun is only 700 miles away. Those sound like fairly arbitrary distances but fair enough my friend. However I must take umbridge with your claim that the Sun is 32 miles across, its a 42 mile journey from Maidstone to Brighton, which is like a 45 minute drive. You're telling people that you could drive across the sun in less time. This just sounds silly.

If you're going to come out with such things then don't give exact numbers, just say its a bit smaller than currently thought but you couldn't possibly come out with a specific as you've never measured it. Trust us, man. We've been lying to people for years. Specific numbers are very easy to mock, especially one as ridiculous as 32.

"Have another look at the windows logo on your computer"
We just need to highlight here that at no point prior to this in the book has he told the reader to look at the windows logo on their computer. So this 'another' business is very strange. Also we looked at the windows logo for a while and it seemingly had nothing to do with his argument. Its as if he's trying to distract you whilst he quickly pens another awful hand drawn diagram.

The pinnacle and (what should be) crowning moment of this young man's treatise on the planet is the revelation that Satan is behind all this. Any articulate person would build this moment up, maybe even give it a chapter to itself.But not our counter-conspiracist, he bumfs it up royally.

" We are held in bondage by a pack of lies, all manner of blackmail and sabotage. The money supply, the banking system - VISA is 666. So is Newtons Flaws of Motion

(excellent pun work, that'd better be deliberate)

- Invented 1666, plunged the world into darkness! "

Now there is so much grammatically wrong with that section of text we dare not start picking it apart lest this blog post go on forever. But we would just like to question how VISA is 666 exactly? Theres... just... no link between the two?

I wish there were, if there were i'd get rid of my fucking mastercard right now.

Oh yeah and after that he suggests that if you were told the truth about gravity then you could build a plane in your back garden and fly to any other back garden in the world.
Which suggests that he does know the truth about gravity, so presumably his main method of transportation is speeding through the skies in a contraption he made in his shed.

This is where he lays into us. Apparently we are mainly white, male and gay. Not sure where he's getting this from, the homosexual membership of Satan's dark army is no more or less than the number you would find in any cross section of modern society. Maybe he means it in the 1950's sense, but he's be wrong there too, there is nothing metal about being chipper. And if he means it in the classroom insult way then... well... fuck you man, you're gay.

Also he mentions that on his fruity website there are some pictures of women, just in case you felt gay after reading the word gay and needed your being straight topped up by some nudy lady photos. (I assume they're nudy, we couldn't find the website)

If Wikipedia is not an acceptable source for a piece of A level Politics coursework then it is certainly not an acceptable source for a world changing pamphlet of investigative scientific journalism. Don't put it in caps as if you're proud of it.

He posed an unrelated question and we answered it. The gulf stream would still work whether to earth was flat or round. Satan has nothing to do with this.

If 'so many persons' had asked me such questions I would probably set them an equally impossible-to-achieve experiment. If you are trying to successfully rumble an unholy conspiracy that is as deep seated as this one in the planet's psyche you are going to need to set them easier-to-perform scientific experiments than that.

Oh well I suppose it doesn't really matter because nobody has ever crossed Antarctica to prove your counter-theory wrong.
It'll be that massive ice wall stopping them I suppose.

The Satanic Revolution is countered by the Metropolitan police

2011-05-04T02:24:00.000-07:00

As masters of all dark wizardry, from summoning plagues of locusts to predicting football results, we thought we would be able to accurately prophecise the day when all would rise up against the secular rule we currently languish under. The day that we foretold was the 29th of April, coincidentally the day that one of the most powerful magical families in all the world added a new member to its ranks via a televised marriage. This meant that the capital city would be full of people, some of which were revelers, many of which were disgruntled satanists prowling the streets hungry to revolt.

We attempted to be a catalytic force in the obvious revolution that was at hand by organising a march which would bring together our widely dipersed brothers and sisters and descend on parliament, probably converting many to the ways of Beelzebub as we went.

These were the signs we planned on carrying as we lead the march.

This was how we planned to appear on the big day once we had gotten into the heart of London.

Obviously as the Met are sponsored and run by Mormons, Catholics and Seventh Day Adventists we would have to go in disguise until it was too late for them to arrest us.

Unfortunately for us and the wider Satanic cause the Met had seers that predicted our malicious machinations and we were nabbed before we could even don our corpse paint. We were told that our signs were 'offensive' and that 'people had complained' and that they could 'do' us for 'breach of the peace' we knew not what any of these mysterious mortal words meant but accepted that the day was lost unless he who dwells below could summon a horde of demons to get our signs back.

As you can see here (as the finger too close to the lens helpfully points you to) our signs have been thrown into the back of the police van.

No amount of wordsmithery could get them all back.

but we managed to get one back that was deemed 'inoffensive'.

Also please note that merely by being near us, the female police officer seated in the van has become 30 times more rad and is throwing the horns in the back ground of this picture.

Unfortunately she has got it slightly wrong, but the effort is there.

We will update this post as more photos come in from friends and allies.

More signs that the Satanic revolution is nigh.

2011-04-25T03:03:00.000-07:00

Whilst the religious mortals that inhabit this foolish isle discuss alternative voting procedures the Satanic legionnaires amongst them are discussing a different kind of political reform.

This political reform will be pretty much universally unpopular with anybody that isn't Satan's devoted follower though.

The plan is to boil down all the politicians and civil servants currently running the country into a sort of thick broth, drink it, and with the power it imbues call upon the gates of hell to open, and welcome in an eternal reign of blackness.

Unfortunately the dark ranks of Lucifer's representatives on Earth are fucking disorganised and so far the only signs of the coming political apocalypse are hilarious daubings on local walls.

However recently we've spotted some fresh ones which suggests that at least more wizards are on board.

Dear police reading the blog, please note we didn't do this. Nor do we know who did.

If you are a practitioner of evil magic and are sick with the fact that there is no political party at the moment with black as their party colour/motto/manifesto well why not join the next unholy revolutionary meeting!

Please pop along on the second Saturday of every month to the cellar of this creepy looking building at 11am sharp. Orange squash and custard creams will be provided but we're not made of money so turn up early or they'll all be gone. I imagine there'll be one packet max.

In fact bring your own biscuits.

As a sign of your devotion to the cause/Satan.

Prints of Darkness

2011-04-12T06:33:00.001-07:00

We have recently come into possession of some vellum prints that proclaim our name and our purpose. Like the good missionaries of Satan that we are, we plan on dispatching these scraps of parchment across the globe to spread the bad news of the dark one's imminent takeover.

If you, sniveling acolyte, would like to own one of these items of unimaginable value then please e-mail bleedingoursouls@hotmail.co.uk and we will discuss whether you are worthy to receive such a document of power.

Royally Weddding Our Souls

2011-04-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

On the 29th of April you are cordially invited to join an already expansive band of British Satanists who are planning on marching in support of the royal wedding.

The Royals and Satan have had a healthy and ongoing relationship since 1066 and has been written in national legislature since 1666.

There are currently about 13,000 wizards suspected to attend and that figure is rapidly growing.

If you want to join in on a satanic walk to end all satanic walks then turn up in trafalgar sqaure on the 29th of April at 10am wearing all black and preferably carrying some sort of placard/blood soaked animal corpse. We'll know who you are and why you are there.

Bleeding Our Souls is one today!

2011-04-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Of course the wizards that make up our numbers have been up to no good and regaling anybody who will listen with stories of their deeds for thousands of years. However they have only been doing so in this online format for one english year. To celebrate this we bring you a selection of photos from the past year that we think are awesome. y'know a little bit like a lazy sitcom will do with what they deem are funny clips.

A dog we befriended that was terrified of inverted crosses

and as such had to be baptised

A panda and its adopted human children loose on southbank that we attempted to baptise.

A car we rode about in before it got crushed and turned into saucepans in china (true story)

A forty acre crop fire that we may or may not have started.

An Irish cross that we showed who was boss.

Some rituals we performed.

Some street pastors we converted to the dark cause.

Some sheep we bothered for Beelzebub.

A cat we baptised.

A wood goblin we had no time for.

A fruity bird that got what was coming for it.

A cave we briefly called home.

An evil egg we cooked.

An evil egg that was too evil to cook.

Some satanic shit.

A satanic rat burial.

An evil skip we ollied into.

A town we baptised.

A path that led to nothing but pre-teen alcoholism and violent drunken sodomy.

A malevolent shed we briefly called home.

Some news clippings that we haven't doctored.

Another cave we briefly called home.

A tree house we briefly called home.

A woodland clearing we briefly called home

A south London chicken shop we briefly called home.

A cafe car park/dogging site we briefly called our home.

A girl we cured with black magic.

A sea we baptised.

A time we had.

Next year we summon a medley of rubbish demons, go on tour to the canary islands and spit upon the sanctity of marriage in more ways than one.

Spring, ye shall not pass

2011-03-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

"and it was written that once the guardians that preceded the coming of spring had all been destroyed, the eternal winter of his unholy rule could finally be celebrated'

Aleister Crowley - The Book of Belial

Year after year we are shocked and appalled as the nights getting shorter, brighter and warmer and the days grow longer start to be filled with happy smiling, semi clad humans. This happens annually and is called summer and it is shit. The opening stage of 'summer' is called 'spring' and this stands for 'summer prepares raising it's noxious gas'. A little known fact is that the days get longer and warmer because of an increased release of methane throughout spring from little yellow ground trumpets or 'daffodils'. Quite how the methane expelled from these holy appendages causes the days to grow longer and warmer is something I will leave science and google to explain to you, not a lowly Satanic priest such as myself. However it happens and ruins 6 months of every year for us.

Diagram taken from a national curriculum approved textbook

Logic thus dictates that if we use our considerable powers of black magic to kill all GGTs then summer shall never begin. We used one of the most powerful hexes we know on a single daffodil first to see if they could feasibly be killed en masse.

Observe. One daffodil.

swear at it a bit to soften it up then perform some secret black magic.

aaand its gone.

so effective was our spell that we started to exercise our special brand of magic on the rest of the daffodils in the world, patch by patch.

however we eventually got tired.

secret black magic tires your arms out, so we only ended up killing like 40-45.

Pictured; Why Secret Black Magic is so tiring.

Innocent smoothies make a poor business decision.

2011-03-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, recently we sent out a variety of letters/death threats to various corporations and government bodies. Some of these correspondences attempted to form alliances whilst others simply stated that we were going to burn down the premises from which they operated within the next couple of days. very few people got back to us.

One company who did, however, was innocent fruit smoothies.

We had approached them with the offer of peace and possibly boosting sales for their product via free advertising in the underworld in exchange for financial support. We need this financial support because we are in the formative stages of building a death ray. which costs much dollar.

This is the letter we sent them.

Curt, to the point and generally persuasive. We thought that the response would be one affirming that the offer we had presented them with was the sort of commercial opportunity they had been searching for their entire lives.

Unfortunately we didn't gauge just how anti-change joe public is. It's the 21st century now and yet smoothie companies are still not in the position to sponsor blogs about Satan. Its sad. 50 years from now our grandchildren will look back on 2011 and be saddened by the close mindedness they see. We don't blame innocent for this, but their consumer base.

What follows is the letter we were sent;

"hello bleeding our souls wizards,

how lovely to hear from you. Sponsoring a blog about Satan isn't something we've ever given much though to, so we really appreciate you bringing it to our attention. Sadly we don't feel that affiliating ourselves with Lucifer is the right thing to do given the current climate (OF CLOSE MINDED RELIGIOUS HATE) but we may well review this in the future. In the meantime may these smoothies cleanse your blackened souls.

All the best, Jojo."

Innocent's attempt at bribing us with smoothies worked, of course, and they are now on our 'don't burn down their factory' list of companies. However no amount of smoothies will ever cleanse our blackened souls. They will merely obscure the blackness with multicoloured fruit pulp.

The danegeld that innocent palmed us off with.

As you may have noticed in the first letter you read, we had pre-enclosed an acceptance letter to make their lives easier.

Whilst not completely ignoring it they did annotate it to destroy the message entirely.

However we forgive them for not welcoming us into their factory to baptise it, unless they want to bring out a new flavour called BLOOD OF FRESHLY SLAUGHTERED WOMEN AND CHILDREN which will coincidentally become the only flavour they sell then its probably for the best we aren't allowed inside.

Free zines and stickers for people who live in interesting places.

2011-03-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

So we made a bunch of zines and due to a drought of imagination can't think of who to give the last few to. We had previously been charging £6.66 for copies at a considerable loss. The loss was due to our demand that they be printed on black leather, something that the men down at the print shop had never done before and were not keen on learning.

Recently though we've come to accept that Satanists were never built to be successful capitalists due to our non existent customer service skills and blood drinking tendencies so have packed it in, opting instead to give them away for free with some stickers thrown in to put up on the wall of your lair or whatever.

We don't have many though so we're only sending them to the raddest locations. If you live somewhere we deem far away/your road has a funny name (bellenden road in peckham being a good example) then we'll send you a little package of eternal damnation FREE OF CHARGE.

just e-mail bleedingoursouls@hotmail.co.uk to be in the running.

p.s - if you are from japan you will automatically win because we think you need cheering up. keep that in mind japan.

Are goblins slowly taking over all the jobs in public services?

2011-02-19T10:28:00.000-08:00

From the lowly binman to the Prime Minister's personal assistant, the same question is being asked by every public sector employee.

"Is my job at risk from goblins?"

Sadly for you humans, and not so sadly for us. The answer is a resounding yes.

Since the arrival of the Cameron/Clegg government the public sector has been vulnerable to huge cuts in manpower. However the coalition has also pledged to not let these cuts affect services.

There is surely no way to provide the same services AND axe over 800,000 jobs?

Well there is one way, but it requires the help of the UGA (United Goblin Association) and a fair amount of government cover up.

Goblins will work for extremely little, eating nothing but sand and live goats, working 24 hours a day and do any work no matter how dirty or degrading.

As such in many cities and boroughs across the country there have already been pilot schemes where goblins have been doing such menial labour as street sweeping, rubbish collection and a variety of roles in the NHS.

However they have left tell tale signs that they are doing these jobs.

Many people, upon first hearing that Goblins were going to replace medical personnel in the NHS were so aghast that they vomited up whole lungs. However it isn't actually that ground breaking a change to the way the current NHS is run. Since its inception goblins have been posing as doctors and nurses in the NHS for reasons that nobody can really fathom, and since the turn of the millenium the number has rocketed. Cameron's plans would really only be legitimising something that is already going on in the National Health Service.

Source ; Financial times NGO audit 2010

what follows are some FAQs about goblins to calm your nervous nerves.

Should I be afraid?

Of course not, other than being the minions of lucifer and eating raw sand goblins are much like you and me. Like you or I they experience happiness, sadness, lust and a special goblin emotion called "Tygruzt" which is a little bit like being sea sick. but with rage.

They will work hard and long and keep to their own communities in natural limestone caves but their culture is rich and ancient and soon enough there will undoubtedly be some form of cross culture festival to welcome them. You'll fear them no more than you fear any other ethnicity.

What do goblins eat?

Sand and live goats. I've already covered this.

So they won't try to eat me?

not unless you are made of sand like the bad guy out of Spiderman 3 or a live goat like that live goat in Jurassic Park.

Do goblins speak english?

Barely. Some speak a bit and these are usually the ones in charge. Most of them speak goblin.

Goblin sounds like hungarian being spoken backwards underwater and most of the syllables are unpronounceable by human tongues. Goblins have no written language.

Can we trust them? do they commit crime?

We can trust them as far as doing the jobs they are being paid to do. Other than that they are fairly amoral and will be likely to commit a variety of mischief in the local area they are employed. As such they will always be chaperoned by a detachment of goblin guards. (these are men who guard the goblins not goblins who are guards)

They will be armed with guns that shoot little bits of metal called bullets that will kill the goblins if they break any human rules.

Oh Jesus are they violent? Will I be safe to walk the streets at night?

Nah they're honestly pretty chilled out little guys, they are more naughty than dangerous. more likely to draw a goblin penis on your wall than massacre your family. You are unlikely to meet them at night because they'll have been shepherded into their caves post-shift.

I am allergic to goblins, what shall I do?

You aren't allergic to goblins. How could you possibly know if you were allergic to goblins.

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 2.

2011-02-09T02:50:00.000-08:00

In the last post we touched upon what essentials were metal and which needed to be baptised before you could have them in your larder. Essential items such as an egg wearing sunglasses, cubed ice and a pizza cutter.

In this post we will be looking at luxuries.

We don't have the cash money to buy many of these luxuries so went to view them in the environment they are most comfortable in. The Hypermarche floor.

What follows is a list of the luxuries you are most likely to want to buy and our opinions on whether the discerning Satanist should be buying them. and in what quantities.

Loads of dead fish.

As Rudyard Kipling famously said on his death bed "I wish I had loads of dead fish." A sentiment we can all empathise with. Who amongst us hasn't wanted a load of dead fish at some point or another? Well you can feel safe in the knowledge that owning a load of dead fish is quite metal. Turning one dead fish into loads of dead fish was one of the only things Jesus did in his short life that was metal. That and being covered in blood at the end.

Profiteroles.

Profiteroles aren't metal. They're blasphemy. But blasphemy to the devil. So. Christians would probably consider them the opposite of blasphemy. whatever that is. A prayer I suppose.
Profiteroles are a prayer.

Madonna knew this.

Thats why she once pretended to be some profiteroles when she sang 'just like a prayer, I'll take you there'

And by 'there' she was probably referring to church.

Fuck profiteroles.

Cakes.

You know when something is so over the top that it goes from funny to not funny and then back to funny again?

Well that is kind of the case here but with cakes and being unholy.

What you have on the right is a cake that hasn't tried hard enough and is just saddening.

On the left is a cake that is so fruity that it has gone right through the spectrum of fruitiness and back to being metal.
(all cakes start life as being metal and then have fancy designs iced over them - proof)

Booze.

Red wine is a luxury that all the other Satanists in your neighbourhood will be jealous that you can afford. It is metal for an abundance of reasons that I won't go into.

Okay, no, I will.

A - Looks like blood if you squint.

B - As such the consequences of you drinking loads of it are well metal. Proof

C - The Romans invented it. And they worshiped men with beards who lived on mountains.

WKDs are effectively the opposite of red wine.

They taste like sparkles and deliciousness.

They were invented by the Thatcher government to keep the proletariat entertained and in turn break miners strikes back in the 80s. Of course it worked and now ex miners and children of miners up and down the country drink them every friday and saturday night in bizarre courting rituals.

Dark bloody rum. Its in the name. dark. rum. it's already metal, and we've only addressed the name. We haven't touched upon the fact that it is the chosen tipple of pirates, Satanists of the high seas. We haven't touched upon the fact that is made with tears, alcohol, liquid crime and dragon's blood. We haven't touched upon the fact that Gavrilo Principe was fucked up on dark rum when he shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand and started the First World War. We haven't touched upon the fact that in 1992 archaeologists in Norway discovered a viking burial mound holding thousands of bodies, each of whom was holding a bottle of Dark Rum. (or in Norwegian - mørk rom) And we haven't touched upon the fact that almost all of the famous Satanic drinking games involved dark rum; Rum island, Rumkin's Drop, Rumble in the Jungle, the drums of war, Girls just wanna have rum and 'don't be alarumed'.

But theres no time to touch upon any of these facts.

As we are about to be kicked out of the supermarket.

Groceries that are metal and groceries that are not metal - Part 1.

2011-01-20T05:45:00.000-08:00

It is a tough time for the discerning consumer in the current economic climate, and an even tougher time for the discerning Satanic consumer.
Questions regarding what is and is not acceptable to purchase at one's local hypermarche constantly whorl around the typical Satanist's mind, mixing with dark incantations and what to sacrifice this evening. We are here to answer some of those questions and make life that little bit easier for you, O unholy one.

We will start in this first of parts by going through what we have in stock in the bleedingoursouls mansion. Some produce is vital to a delicious dinner but embarrassing to buy and unacceptable to own. As such aforementioned produce must be baptised before it can be stored, or risk converting some of your Satanic perishables to followers of the word of the Lord God in the Highest.
Other consumables are so Satanic they actually must be constantly owned or you risk being excommunicated from the Satanic Order of unpleasant darken bastards.
We will only tell you detail about items falling into these two groups, any more would take all day and we don't have the time. We're doing you a favour here, remember. Don't get needy.

Basically if it's not mentioned here it is alright to buy and not baptise.

Pre-bagged Ice Cubes.

Lots of people don't buy ice cubes. Thats because a lot of people are not Satanists. Or are rubbish Satanists. Ice made in your fridge is not nearly as earth damaging as this ice. Shipped all the way from the Russian Federation, where is it hand sculpted by Siberian slave children as they are whipped by their cruel ice masters. As such each cube is coated with the tears of an innocent. Actually not each cube, but at least one in three. Also due to the long distance this ice has travelled its carbon footprint is huge. Carbon footprints are metal.

Milk.

Milk is purest white, the least satanic colour imaginable. However it is also a vital ingredient in a number of delicious satanic treats, and thus unavoidable. Once you have gotten home from the shops place it immediately on your inverted cross and recite whatever local incantations you know to be most effective in your region. If you forget to baptise the milk then the next time you open your fridge you will have a fucking gospel choir staring back at you. Milk infects all it touches with the light of the lord.

An Egg.

An egg is another unfortunate side effect of our addiction to delicious Satanic treats. It is a must in most recipes from Bat Pie to Child Face Cake (which is not a cake that looks like a child's face, but rather one made from the faces of children). However it is also the symbol of rebirth and very linked to christian culture. That is what all that chocolate egg business at Easter is about.

Jonathan Eggsworth here will also have to be baptised before being placed in your kitchen.

Marmite Extra Old.

The next logical step in the creation of a delicious Satanic spread was to let it gestate and for the evil that hides within it to become wiser and more malignant. We all know that normal Marmite is made from sand, oil and the ashes from those burnt in mass graves after the war atrocities in Marmyte, Serbia during the second world war.

Marmite extra old was bottled when the ashes were still deep, and the ghosts of those decapitated with gunfire still angry. Nowadays a pot of Marmite has very little black magic in it.

Therefore this is a vital cupboard filler in any good satanic home.

However it is still only the second most Satanic spread for your toast...

Black Boot Polish.

Delicious and nutritious with a blend of over 30 Herbs and spices mixed within the congealed blood of horses and dogs, this is the ultimate spread.

It is little known that the name 'Kiwi Black Boot Polish', whilst seemingly nonsensical, actually refers to it's original usage in the 19th century when it was rubbed into the leather of boots to bring out a shine instead of being spread on bread.

How times have changed.

Some fruity pizza cutter.

This is not really a perishable but if you do buy any cutlery/crockery/anything that is this chirpy and camp baptise it immediately. Don't take any risks.

Quaker Oats.

Fuck Quaker oats, man. They are a conspiracy by a bunch of fat joyless Christians to make sure you have a shit time at breakfast. Unfortunately they can be used in 'Krakow Oat Bastards' which are delicious. If you must buy these then ensure they are good and baptised. We look down upon you for effectively giving money to the church though.

An Egg wearing sunglasses.

One of the only times we have not immediately baptised an egg was when we opened a box of 24 iceland battery eggs to find one of them wearing sunglasses. He was smooth, sophisticated and a lover of the arts. If you ever come across an egg with the charm and effortless style of this egg then immediately purchase him and place him upon the mantelpiece.

Assorted Greenery.

Scurvy is a disease that we associate with pirates. Pirates are fairly metal and thus by association is scurvy. Yet scurvy is an extremely unpleasant affliction to actually endure and leads to your teeth falling out and you growing wooden legs where your normal blood filled ones used to be. As such not eating your greens is a big career decision. One the one hand, yes you will be more intimidating to the christian passer by, on the other hand your chances of plumbing any satanic babes is reduced. If you're going to take the second option and eat greens, ensure they are baptised beforehand.

Worcestershire Sauce

In the early days of the British Empire, when goodwill was thin on the ground and racism was rife, it was considered proper form to pickle the body parts of executed criminals of colour. The infamous Duke of Worcestershire who presided over huge swathes of recently colonised India was of the opinion that because the new British subjects ate such a spice ridden diet, that the excess pickle juice of ex-criminal's legs/arms/faces would probably be delicious. Of course, he was right, and to this day his culinary breakthrough is a best seller across the globe amongst communities of black metallers and cannibals.

Ricicles

Derivations of this cereal have been eaten for centuries in the royal courts of eastern europe and the central asian steppes. It was considered a powerful aphrodisiac and thought to relieve the mental stress brought on by watching thousands of your own people starve to death during bad harvests. As such, you would think there no need to baptise this. Unfortunately in the process of being transported to the west and marketed here the packaging changed from THIS to the Tots TV bullshit you see adorning the box today. However when you baptise Ricicles their rich odious history is awakened and a transformation takes place...

Evil Ricicles

They have started wearing sunglasses.

Also a petrine cross and the number of the beast has miraculously been burnt into the otherwise unacceptably welcoming design.

This will now take pride of place in the larder.

In part 2 we enter an Establishment of Groce, to establish what groceries in which section are most established.

New Year. New Cross.

2011-01-14T09:48:00.000-08:00

In celebration of the coming of 2011/because our old cross had gotten a woodworm infestation, we created a new cross.

Cut from the most powerful trees we could find, with axes and saws cursed by a medley of different evil witches and wizards and bolted together with nails said to be possessed by the ghosts of those slain in the Hillsborough disaster of 1989 it outshone our previous cross before we had even put the finishing touches on it.

Our previous cross was made with normal wood, saws and nails on a patio.

Proof.

To seal in the evil of our malevolent creation we bought "Davidson's X-tra Black Spray Paint - for when black just isn't black enough". You have to order it online here and it takes 3 weeks to get delivered because it has to come all the way from Malta where they make it with secret Maltese ingredients that only the Maltese know about. Look out for a post in the near future when we invade Malta, kidnap their elders and torture them for information on how they create this Purest of Blacks. Davidson isn't a very Maltese name.

We painted it next to a normal black door just so you could soak in just how blacker than black it is.

Then held it up against your bog standard British road so that the colour difference could be appreciated. Look and appreciate.

In a strange turn of events the local council got wind of what we were up to and decided to try and get in our good books by naming a variety of local amenities after our new cross. They hadn't even asked us what we were naming our new cross. They just (stupidly and unimaginatively) assumed that it would be called 'New Cross'. Not even nearly an evil enough name. After much deliberation we decided to call him 'Talavi Borgorth the Third'.

So another botched attempt by the council to appease Satan, however we thought we may as well at least record their renaming misadventures. It must've cost them a fair bit.

They named this local station after our new cross. We can only imagine that it has lead to a travel nightmare for everybody. The station used to be called 'London Bridge' which was a far more sensible name, considering it was next to London Bridge. Naming it after something that took two half drunk twenty somethings about 10 minutes to do on a Wednesday afternoon was a really stupid move. We have to believe that somebody lost their job for it.

The council also forced some local businesses to change their names, this shop wasn't even a pharmacy, it used to be a Modelzone. Yet more confusion conflicted on the poor people of London by a council hell bent on being mental.

But yeah we've got a new cross and its awesome.

Sister Facts

2011-01-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

The films 'Sister Act' and 'Sister Act 2; Sweet Jesus they're at it again' are two powerful films indeed. Powerful in that they could, if shown to the right people, turn a body of effectively useless old women into a pro-active force for battling evil through singing and skateboarding.

as this photograph proves.

To understand fully the true threat that the films pose to our beloved movement for the glorification of the Antichrist and his majestic perverse works of darkness you will need a quick summary of both.

Sister Act

Whoopi Goldberg, playing herself, is required to join a nunnery as a form of community service after she is caught stealing loaves of bread from the local bazaar. At first she is the opposite of stoked about the whole affair thinking that Nuns are rubbish and old and that old and rubbish people are boring. She has to do all the boring chores in the Nunnery like polishing the bibles and making the 'NunGruel' a special meal only Nuns eat, the ingredients of which are only hinted at in the film but its safe to assume there is only milk and radish in it or something. Not blood and souls like the delicious 'SatanGruel' we eat every morning.

Long and tedious story short, though, Whoopi eventually grows to love the Nuns even though they are backwards and racist. She teaches them, through a series of week long intensive workshops and seminars how to sing Satan battling songs, where to find Satanists (usually caves) and how to win against them in skateboarding competitions.

It honestly gets pretty watchable.

The climax of the film shows the Nunnery enter the local skate comp against the rawest set of early 90s punk Satanist teens in the whole of... Detroit. Or wherever it is set.
The Nuns win by putting off the evil teens by singing songs about Jesus at them whilst they are trying to do eggplants and the like. This is technically cheating but the message you're suppose to go away with is that the nuns were in the right and saved the day and that Whoopi Goldberg is a free thinking spirit not a bread stealing thief troll.

Sister Act 2: Good Lord, what now?

Taking infamously little at the box office and almost crippling the studios that pumped one and a quarter billion dollars into this awkward sequel, Sister Act 2: Bedtime Already? was a flop for many reasons. Having the whole film set in Germany and spoken in German was certainly one of the biggest reasons it failed in America, making out that all Germans were Satanists because Hitler put a hex upon the country just before he died was one of the biggest reasons it failed in Germany.

In Sister Act 2: Alert the Fire Steward! Whoopi and the gang are called by the EU to deal with Germany. The entire country's economy is going down the pan because all they are doing is rocking out to Satanic accordion Ballads and not doing any work, and there's only one gang of Skateboarding Nuns who can stop them.

the scenes of Bavaria moshing are some of the best ever to grace the silver screen.

The film follows a tried and tested American sports film formula, where the Nuns try and beat the Germans at skateboarding whilst singing but are embarrassingly defeated. then there is a training montage where they realise that skateboarding just isn't going to cut it and they have to learn to mosh even though it is a dark art, but Whoopi convinces the nuns that they can mosh for Jesus and eventually they defeat each individual German state until there is the final showdown with Bavaria. Obviously the Nuns win and the hex upon Germany is removed. The Germans wake up from their infernal possession and get back to work with twice the efficiency they normally work at.
One of the major problems with Sister Act 2: By the Beard of Allah is its length though, at 3 and a half hours this frank and compelling tale is just too drawn out. Yet even then in the right hands could mobilise the clergy into moshing against us. Something we are not willing to risk.

As such when we got wind of a new musical version of these rabidly anti-satanic tales hitting the west end we decided to hold a silent vigil outside it.

and then a noisy vigil inside it. eating crisps louding and rustling bags of minstrels etc. ruining anybody's chance of a good time. Unfortunately we forgot our ear plugs and the accursed music of Jesus Christ in heaven forced its way into our minds and hearts and we ended up moshing and skateboarding in the aisles and had a good time.

thus we went back to the silent vigil outside.

No word yet from the Vatican on how seriously they've taken our protests, or even if they've noticed them at all.

If you are keen on watching these movies yourself then by all means buy them on VHS here, or DVD here.

Thanks for listening.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

2010-12-24T19:05:00.000-08:00

Finally, at this socially prominent time of year, bleedingoursouls finally get their arses in gear to answer that greatest of great questions.

which year is more DETHMETL?

666ad or 1666ad?

we've had more letters and e-mails than we really want to talk about sent in asking this question and we've finally acquiesced to your requests. only because its Christmas though. normally we wouldn't give a shit about what you want or think.

First off we'll give a quick low down on the DETHMETL things that happened in both years.

666

Chertsey, the least dethmetl of all the English abbeys was founded.

however from these budget drawings that is hard to believe, it looks hardcore

To neutralise this, barking abbey the MOST dethmetl of all the English abbeys was also founded.

Barking, embarrassing Chertsey since 666

Together they lead the battle of dark and light for over one thousand years. It was the equivalent of Gandalf and Saruman setting up their own schools of witchcraft and wizardry to battle one another.

In other 666 news (good lord I am a fan of this year) the Chinese invented once of the most complicated chariots in the history of ever. Apparently it could only go south, and as such was aptly named the South Pointing Chariot. But please, don't take my word for it, take wikipedia's.

1666

In 1666 a undeniable torrent of goffick ting happened.

Mainly fire.

Two massive fires grab thine attention.

1 - The Great Bloody Fire of Entire Bloody London.

Satan started a fire in London because the city had gotten too big for its boots.

London, getting out of hand.

London's reaction to the events was sub par and the fire lasted for 3 days. 3 days longer than your average properly managed fire lasts. Samuel Pepys is widely considered to be the most veritable and respectable source regarding the fire and his reaction was to hide his cheese in the garden, showing just how embarrassingly useless Londoners were in 1666.

One look at their ridiculous fire engines tells you everything you need to know.

If anything Beelzebub did them a favour as it cured all cockneys of their rubbish fire management skills and since then London has been relatively fire free.

2 - The Fire That Burns Down an Entire Swedish City You've Never Heard of Because it Burnt Down.

In 1666, much as it is now, it was boring to be some smoking hot satanic babe in Northern Sweden. As such, Demelza Phantasm (real name Lina Lindgren) started a badman fire in her neighbours house to pass the time and appease the Dark Lord's lust for all things fiery.

Carlsberg don't make 17th century Satanic She-bastards but if they did, Demelza Phantasm would be running the bloody factory that churned them out.

The fire took hold in such a way that the entire town burnt down, but unfortunately not the church, because Lord Jesus protected it with his holy wind and snow power. A power that Demelza and the rest of her BLAKMETL gang could only wince at. The town was called Pitea, and unfortunately still exists. Google it.

Verdict

It is very difficult to decide upon which year is more Satanic, on one hand the year 666 is literally the year 666 and if one were to be born in any year that would be the most desirable. Just imagine going up to some bird and being all like 'Yo... so... I was born in the year 666.' then throwing the horns at her.

Her only practical reaction would be to orgasm so hard she passed out.

Either that or die.

You would be a constant menace to vaginas everywhere.

On the other hand though not a great deal happened in 666, whereas 1666 was effectively a year where everything spent its entire time on fire. Something we all have a lot of time for.

As such we have to award the prize for most Satanic year to 1666, fiery and majestic as it was, and give the silver medal (which is black because we're Satanists not athletes. the gold and bronze medals are also black it gets confusing) to the year 666 a worthy year full of strange and useless Chinese inventions and battling abbeys.

MERRY BLEEDING CHRISTMAS

...and remember kids. Santa is an anagram of Satan.

Curing the common cold through Satanic Verse. NOW IN 3D!

2010-12-05T06:24:00.000-08:00

Basically the cinema industry's sneakiest new tactic of getting people away from the internet and back into their Castles of Lies is to make all their films 3D, which basically just appeals to people who love gimmicks.
Well two can play at that game, there's no way we're losing the interest of our gimmick loving audience, cinema industry. As such now our posts will come to you in BLISTERING 3D. just the pictures though not the words. Although we will crack out future posts solely in that crappy 3D word art font that everybody wrote the titles to all their essays in year 7 in, if we think there is a market for it.

As it is cold outside and many of you will be catching sniffles and coughs at this time of year we decided it would be altruistic of us to show you how, with a simple glass of blood and the power of demonic possession, you can cure most winter ailments.

start by drinking some of the demon inducing blood yourselves, this will grant you more power as necromancers. it links you to the spirit world in a greater way. You can buy blood from any local butcher or slaughterhouse, but ensure that the animal has died a virgin. Animals that have whored it up are not considered clean by the demon world, also you will be drinking alot of it and don't want to contract anything. like pig AIDs.
As such here we are using lambs blood.

after you have garnered some dark energy lay down the poor sniffles ridden victim in the centre of a pentagram. Pentagrams are effectively the skype of demon wizard relations. Vital in any attempt at communication.

Then pour blood on the victim.
think of the blood as the electricity that powers skype.
I guess the victim is the laptop?

Not sure, this is a rather clunky analogy.

After a sufficient dousing in blood read some dark verse from the Oxford compendium of demons and netherbeasts. It has instructions for exactly what language and verse to chant in order to summon any of the currently known demons. (currently only earthbound ones though, contacting space demons is still unfortunately a far off dream due to cuts in NASA's funding.)
The demon we'd be calling upon is Ynzwana Caborzhe, a gambian mud spirit with the power to infect or cure anything he comes into contact with. There are quite a few others with the power to cure the common cold but Ynzwana is the one most regularly available. He's still pretty underground. The more famous demons like Choronzon are never free to help out these days. We remember him before he got big though, went to a couple of his gigs. Bit of a sell out now.

Demonic possesssion takes hold pretty obviously here, with our subject levitating for a period of about 10 minutes as the dark wizardlings chant curses that will rather perversely protect her from the wandering hands of Ynzwana.

If you've done everything right when the subject returns to the pentagram they should feel spritely and alive and full of hope. If you do it wrong they will feel like they have been raped by a Gambian mud spirit, on top of which they will still have a cold.

Its a risky manoeuvre, but in the current economic climate mildly cheaper than going out and buying lemsip and calpol and other guff. All you need is a bit of lambs blood (every good Satanist has at least a 4 pinter in the firdge anyhow) and some good mates. Who are evil wizards.

718th Annual Gathering of Corpse Grinders

2010-11-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

Corpse Grinding is an art all Satanists and black wizards have to become fairly skilled at if they want to make it in Dollywood (dark hollywood). Corpse dust is a powerful antioxidant, full of vitamin c and also full of black magical properties that make it the base for most evil potions.

However the methods to get the best dust are known by only a select few, who gather once a year, get drunk and gloat about how only they know it.

This year the Bleeding Our Souls wing of the group held the gathering and what follows is visual evidence of what happened, who was there and who we killed.

Carter DeChilde

This powerful hell mage is Carter DeChilde, He is wanted in 118 countries for Submarape, which is of course the dark art of raping people under water. He has never eaten in his life, instead he gains energy from consuming vast amounts of cheap cider in a ritual many call 'seeing it off'

see below for details.

The Bromide Contingent

So named because of the vats of liquid bromide they sleep in every night, this gang of inter-dimensional beings know secrets of the future that they use to their advantage in betting shops across the world. Their legendary status as corpse grinders precede them and it is widely suspected that they are responsible for the mysterious disappearance of thousands of cadavers from funeral homes across south east london and beyond.

???

Not one of these Nuns of Satan spoke a word of English. All we know is that they kill swans for a living.

Goran and Mischka

A pair of unidentical twins from the swampy deltas of the river Ob in the Ukraine, they are thought to be over 1000 years old and responsible for numerous atrocities across eastern europe, both holding high positions in the Nazi party during the occupation of the Ukraine in the 1940s. it is very likely that they were responsible for the systematic destruction of ancient churches across the area. Other than that a bloody nice couple.

Tarkor the Composer

In charge of taking the minutes of any official meetings held by the group, also the treasurer and head of external communications. Also claimed responsibilty for numerous terror attacks during the 1970s and early 80s including the assassination of President Sadat of Egypt in 1981. However due to him being only one white english male with no prior connections to Egypt, everybody assumed he was lying. He wasn't.

Kharleel

Kharleel hungers. The only thing that can sate this hunger is the hopes and dreams of the young. As such Kharleel works at the offices of the Student Loans Company.

Belinda of the Darken Nine

The darken nine is a coven of witches feared across central Europe in the 1600s for their prolific child snatching & eating activities, since relocated to rural china where they can work in peace. Belinda is their leader and commands the most powerful magical abilities. She brought this to the gathering as an hors d'oeuvre, it was delicious.

Bingle

Bingle isn't a wizard, he's a fresher. He thought the Dark Gathering was a house party. He still does to this day. Nobody is sure how he got in. Fortunately he didn't learn any of our secrets.

Some people have definitely been left out, and for this I apologise. Tarkor recorded over 1,800 attendees, most of whom can be seen in the following group shots.

Then we went on a pilgramage to the local cemetary where we ground up some fucking corpses bro. Obviously we can't show you the actual corpse grinding, but we can show you the journey there.

We passed the OurSoulsMobile on the way, more about this Vehicle of the Damned to come in a post soon.

The Witches and one of the Bromide boys celebrate the ritualistic murder of a schoolgirl they passed and show us her oyster card.

The body is dumped in a local ditch, where it is urinated upon, standard practice.

A local phonebox was set upon, it was magically rewired so that it could only phone those you least wanted to speak to. And if you called the speaking clock it would now give you the wrong time. bwhaha.

We coaxed these street pastors into our midst with tales of love long lost and sea shanties about our time in the navy, once encircled in the group they were disembowelled, decapitated and devoured. A snack on the go.

The journey was long, and some of our number were so fatigued they collapsed at the front gates of the church, a dangerous place for people as soulless as we. For the front of a church has the ability to deceive and persuade folk to the side of light. Fortunately as a group we were too hardcoregothmetal to be converted.

we shimmied round the back and started work on digging up and grinding up, many a fantastic potion of malice was created that dark winter's night. maybe we will show you their consequences sometime soon.

maybe not.

we don't answer to you.

you're not our mums.

THE END

by bleedingoursouls.blogspot.com aged 4861 and a half

the 32nd of October

2010-11-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once" - Albert Einstein

What a quote and what a bloke, but to actually understand what he means by this you have to look past all the technical scientisty jargon such as 'time', 'everything', 'that' etc etc and really focus on the bigger picture of what he is trying to convey with this statement.

Of course once you do the bigger picture becomes clear - Once a month Satan possesses everybody for an entire day and makes them do wacky shit for his own twisted satisfaction and then mind wipes everybody after it so they don't remember and as such never know the day even existed.

cheers einstein, you truly are a bastion of knowledge. helpful and otherwise.

If you are a normal person and not a dark wizard of time, space and questionable morals like we are then no doubt this concept has you rather confused, possibly in tears. I'll explain it in more detail. The last day of every month is not what you think it is, in fact each month has one extra day that you don't remember, where you have been waltzing about like a pansy. However because nobody else remembers it, and everybody has been brainwashed into thinking that there are only 365 days in a year instead of the actual 377, you don't question why your legs are so mysteriously tired.

People have in fact been cottoning onto this to a degree throughout history and trying to fight satan's powers with various schemes to break the brainwashing, however he has just brainwashed them twice as hard the next month and they've forgotten about it, but little tell tale signs have remained. For example in October of 1778 John Halloween invented 'Halloween' on the last (remembered) day of October as a big spiritual get together where you'd dress up as somebody else so that maybe Satan would get confused and not possess and brainwash you the next day. Unfortunately this plan was shit and it didn't work. But everybody liked the dressing up part so that stayed, yet to this day nobody can remember the origins of why exactly they do it, probably because they are so regularly brainwashed/they don't care.
Another tell tale sign is 'a pinch and a punch for the first of the month' which was originally used to get people to snap out of the possession that they had suffered the day before. Nobody knows when it was invented but I am going to guess and say 1305. It is now just used by dicks who like physical violence and showing off about how they know what the date is.

AAAAAAANYWAY. We took to the streets this October the 23rd to see what you pricks were up to whilst under brain possession from Satan this month, and also to baptise you, not that you needed it. However this is the only reaction we know when presented by 'stuff' and its cousin, 'ting'.

Oh yes, obviously we are not possessed at the end of each month because to be honest we do better work for Satan unpossessed. He possessed us a couple of times and we ended up doing less ridiculous things than we normally do.

Also I forgot to mention that all his monthly possession fests are themed, last month's was 'manchester united and metallic paint', this months is due to be 'canoe accidents and crime statistics'. He's an eccentric chap is our Satan.

Lets take a look at what you guys were up to then shall we?

This five star geezer had gone all out on the metallic paint front and was humming 'glory glory man united' as loudly as he could. Which was honestly suprisingly loudly. Everybody else you can see in these pictures were joining in and walking slowly in circles around anybody who had made an effort to keep to the theme, staring off into the middle distance, in some variety of trance. It was disconcerting. Fucking disconcerting. We were completely disconcerted.
This was actually a real Knight. He was also humming glory glory man united.
Further along the banks of the river Medway we found these gentlemen, keeping it street with some satanic breakdancing to an electro remix of glory glory man united.
This local panda had completely failed, neither being in metallic garb nor attempting to praise the apparent glory of manchester united football club. Instead a warped version of PJ and Duncan's classic 'lets get ready to rumble' could be heard from within the suit, however all the words had been replaced with anguished screams.
This group of nine year old girls were playing glory glory man united on the violin and doing a damn good job too, they were baptised and afterwards went on to do a slightly better job.

You may be wondering why Manchester United were chosen this month. well it is because they are Satan's favourite football club. They have been since Satan was 10 years old and collected football stickers and picked a club to support completely arbitrarily. However since then has become a stalwart fan and has even arranged for a recent photograph of himself to be used as the club emblem.

That's him alright

Now you know this information you can spend the remainder of November pointlessly trying to avoid being possessed on the 31st, however you'll only fail miserably and be brainwashed into not even remembering you read this article. The next time you'll see the end of a month is the 29th of February 2012, because Satan gives everybody a little break once every four years. It's called a leap year, which is of course an anagram of 'Real Apey'. Which is what Satan fears we'd all get if we didn't have the time off.

I say we. I mean you.

Fuck the White Cross

2010-11-04T04:16:00.000-07:00

Commissioned a piece of our own chalk handiwork to be carved into the side of a kentish hill the other day. A big upside down cross. Classic. only cost £350 too, bargain.

However we went to check on it the other week and the builder/hill carvers had only gone and put it up the wrong way. What use is a normal way up cross to us? None, that's what.
So we called up "Cowboy Trap" presented by Clive Holland and he said he was on it. He's going to make sure they get whats coming to them; PUBLIC HUMILIATION ON DAYTIME TV.

Anyhow, we had a little swear at the cross.
This robust 24 carat geezer took the photo.

London; An etymological history lesson.

2010-10-22T04:12:00.000-07:00

London is of course an acronym for 'Live, Oh Night! Dark Odious Night!" which is the final line of J. W. Cheapeswick's epic satanic poem "Cruelty & Pantomime: The Dark One's Thirst Revived".

The citizens of London voted en masse to have this acronym installed as their humble town's name in 1832 during a rather nasty cholera outbreak that ravaged the city. They had spent ages praying to god and changing the town's name to things like "Ofwaih" which of course stands for "our father who art in heaven" but, A - It didn't stop anything cholera related and B - It sounded mildly african, which upset the abounding number of racists that filled early 19th century London.

Anyway the change of name to 'London' saw a radical reversal in the towns fortunes, cholera was completely wiped out the moment the name changed and the state of the art sewerage system to honour the town's change of name was built. Say what you like about Satan but he gets shit done when pressed.

All of this of course means that the capital, or 'Terrorcroft' as it was named before all this cholera business (true story, google it), is the perfect arena for Gothic themed Satanic mischief.

To prove it (or if you want to be pedantic 'not prove anything whatsoever') here are some photos of London being the perfect arena for what we have previously claimed.

Baptising the Homeless.

2010-10-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

Much like those intrepid missionaries of the 1800s going deep into the jungles of Africa to spread the word of god we have been on quite the journey, deep into the heart of the concrete jungle that is London to spread the dark word. that word is SATAN or DETHMETL. Or possibly GOFF. Not sure yet. We spread a few words anyway.

We had to baptise the homeless and other such street debris as they were the only ones who couldn't run away. Everybody else we tried to confront with the power of the anti-lord just went into buildings that we weren't allowed into unless invited aka their homes. Much like the vampires off of buffy the vampire slayer, except we just don't go in unless invited out of sheer politeness.

FIRST THOUGH YOU GOTTA POWER UP THE BAPTISIMAL ENERGY FONT.

To do so we called upon a lesser demon.

The demon of Venetian blinds. (they're like saints there's one for everything)

Gaze upon the picture of him above.
He gave us a sterling pep talk and really got us riled up and ready to go.

With his words of encouragement still ringing fresh in our ears we hit the street.

This street urchin was playing a fruity little guitar just to get a few pennies so she could spend another day out of the workhouse. We told her of the eternal hatred and pain that awaits her in the afterlife and she was all like 'well that's rubbish' we baptised her so that maybe she will be welcomed upon entry to the fiery depths.

Chances are she won't be though.

People in hell are dicks.

This grade A twatcophonie of noise refused our friendly advice and news of the blackness that awaits us all. We baptised him without his prior consent. That'll show him.

Look at this guy hugging his dog as if we are going to take it away and baptise it.
He has clearly heard of our work.
We were planning precisely that.

Bapsworth Mcgee here actually tracked us down and asked to be baptised in the name of his mighty unholiness (in exchange for a pound).

She smelled of poverty and fear, an aroma we can all dance to.

We left the streets in a far darker state of mild panic and misactivity (don't know if thats a word or what it means.) In our hearts we were confident that Beelzebub would be pleased.

Wye are you doing this to me?

2010-09-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

So the other day we went to Wye to baptise a crown cut into the living rock.

There is an 80% chance you don't know where Wye is, its in Kent, as are many places.

In the 1930s some fucknuts decided to carve a crown into a hill to celebrate the fact that they were bum chumps. Or something.

We took an aversion to this 80 years down the line and decided to baptise it for Satan.

An activity we are regularly seen doing really. Baptisms = the don.

This is the bloody crown.

It is a bit gay.

Tar'lor getting his swear on.
You have to swear at your target before you baptise it to soften it up.
Its like in a PSOne WWF game where you have to unnecessarily punch your opponent for ages before you can pin them slash a bit like when you have to beat up a pokemon before you can catch it.

A bit like that.
Its difficult to see the crown.
I would say click on it to enlarge, but you honestly can't see it .
However, trust me its there.

Right then.
Better baptise the fucker.

Not really any method in this madness.

Just go mental on a hill with an upside down black cross.

Any onlookers will be intimidated by how 'metalasfuck' you look.

There is also no moral to this post.
Unless 'Don't carve a crown into a hill or we will baptise it' is a moral.
But I suspect its not, more of a threat really. If anything.

Reading Our Souls

2010-09-21T12:34:00.000-07:00

Somebody went to Reading Festival of Music and Beer and stuck up loads of stickers promoting our wealth of genius. It wasn't us.
However we got our top Satanic Scientists on the job of translation (that is us).
Here is what they came up with;

"Shit yourself. Then boast about it"
Our boffins down at the lab have thought long and hard about the underlying message of this statement and it's Satanic connotations. At its most basic level boasting about shitting one's self is boasting about an endeavour that is not difficult, but rather frowned upon by a conservative society. Thus what this is saying is 'break free of thine sociological chains and make it clear for all to see'.

An ethos we can all stand behind.

"Smoking is Cool"
In these heady days of interwebs and ipod mobile phone pads doing dangerous activities that might kill you is apparently 'cool'. Or so we are lead to believe by this recent trend in 'skateboarding'. Anyhow, if risking immediate death is cool then why isn't killing yourself slowly over a period of time?
Or whatever.
That's what the dude who stuck this up probably thought.
We don't know.
We're not him.

or her.

maybe.

"Deliberately get some STIs. Spread 'em"

Sharing is one of the humanity's warmest expressions of unity as a species. As such we are fully against the concept. Whoever this dark mysterious wizard putting up stickers is, he has grasped this concept and tried to advertise the only time when sharing results in pain, embarrassment and an old indian woman sticking a cotton bud down things you do not want an old indian woman sticking cotton buds down.

"Learn Norweigan. (sic) It's Fucking Metal."
What we learn from this message is that our mystery sticker Wizard knows his facts.
But cannot spell the word Norwegian.

"The Queen is Fit"
Incorrect, StickerWizard. She used to be fit. Obviously if you shagged her now you'd still be in store for a bumper pack of lad points. But she's going to be a paper bag job at best, at worst an entire body bag job. I don't know how that'd work though. Cut a hole in the body bag? Not sure. A challenge to say the least, I suppose some of the lad points would be awarded for overcoming that problem.
We're not sure what "opdead!" is.
we suspect the 'op' stands for 'Old Person'
As they are the people who are most regularly dead.

Transitional Structural Management Period (of Doom)

2010-09-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

Recently many of our dark and elusive number (aka all 3 of us) have taken on tasks above and beyond the call of duty. We won't go into what these tasks are, namely because they are so wretched and sadistic we'll get banned from the internet by the CIA and Interpol and BBC1.

However these tasks have been undertaken, and as such the blog (or Eternal Digital Chapters of Many Desecrations as we like to call it) shall only be updated once a week on Sunday, and sometimes, when we forget... not at all.

To encourage your forgiveness/sate your wrath here is a picture of one of our odious and torrid number casting a spell across the whole land. The spell's name is 'up yours readership'.

It's the same spell the Daily express cast every monday when they put princess Di(e) on the front page AGAIN.

Imagine he is singing the Indiana Jones theme tune (because he was)

Saving Private Shar' Muel

2010-09-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

As many of you have written to us in your own blood recently clamouring for an explanation to why Shar'muel Fiihn has returned after such a long absence we decided that we would tell you the tale of his loss, absence and subsequent return.

The Bloody Loss

One day he just wasn't there, he left a note saying that he thought he could do better Satanic things alone. A sort of evil one man band, if you will. Here is a transcript of the note.

Sup Bitches,

Ba-sick-ally I adore and salute you both as my brethren in the coming apocalypse.
However I honestly think that sometimes you two are taking the piss a little bit.

you don't start every morning with a prayer to the antiquericed asking him to accuse you of shit you didn't do, you don't even have particularly good shrines to him in your bedrooms. Bai Naargmbuul, yours is just a shoe box with 'Satan' written on it with some rocks in it you think look rad.
Its just a poor effort.
As such I am going to elope and start my own roving band of misfits or something.
plus living in that tree house is starting to really piss me off.

Yours satanically,

Vice Chancellor Shar' Muel Fiihn

The Bloody Absence

Unfortunately for our cousin in chaos his little foray into lone ranger-esque solitude did not go well. He ended up lost and alone, roaming the countryside baptising what he could, which tended to be stiles and tractors and other rural guff. But alone he was not as powerful as our evil trio and often these baptisms went poorly, sometimes he would actually make those things function better than they had before. For example one gate actually got less rusty and started being a very efficient gate, the villagers of the area ganged together and bought him a basket full of fruits and ham and whatnot.

He hated it.
Embarrassed by his failure he went into hiding in a local art student accommodation building.

It was mind blowingly rubbish.

The Bloody Subsequent Return
As detailed above, our powers as a trio are noticeably stronger than one of us alone, or two of us. And as such the remaining pair suffered accordingly. They had to find him.
But had no idea how.
But then they saw an advert on TV (there's a TV in the tree house now, it runs on wood goblin blood) for this thing called 118 666 where you call up and they find Satanist things for you.

We called up and they were like 'yeah we know him he's in this shed thing that some students probably live in or whatever'

and we were like 'oh cool dude where is it'

and they were like 'dunno some field'

and we were like 'oh yeah we know it, safe thanks man, bee tee double yew how much does this phone call cost?'

and they were all like '£6.66'

and although it was expensive we dealt with it.

Then we went and found him.

living in his own filth, look how shit his bed is. look how messy his room is. rubbish.

We found him cowering in a darkened room, tired from house parties and having to talk to shitty graffiti "artists" asking if they could put their tag on his walls. After a short while of convincing him we were friend not foe he rejoined our rag tag band of Necromancers.

We then baptised it for Satan with an upside down cross we created poorly, Shar' Muel had long since thrown his away. We had to smash up their roof in order to make it. I use the term 'had to' in the loosest sense possible.

Here is he being officially welcomed back to we. There were so many people there taking photos of this prestigious and argubly history changing event, Shar' Muel just smiled at the group of them. This was just one of the photos.

And so now he's back.
All in all the ordeal took nine and a half years.
Time best forgotten.

NEXT WEEK WE BAPTISE THE TALKING TREE IN MOTHERCARE IN MAIDSTONE
(you; but its not there anymore! us; yes it is, at the back behind the coats. you just don't know because you never go into mothercare anymore)

There may be trouble ahead...

2010-08-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

You guys; Why may there be trouble ahead, well respected Denizens of Lucifer and his infernal armies? Tell us you have not baptised all roads in his dark name and caused them to cease being traversable by our mortal automobiles?
Us; That's precisely what we've done, fuckshirts. Find your pipe, stick this in it and puff away.

'Good luck getting to Reading, gaylords.'

Roads are all linked, that means if you baptise one you baptise them all. If a road isn't linked to another road then its called a runway. not a road. As such in the above picture we have proved we have baptised all the roads on this island. This island being the island of Great Britain (aka Mega-England.)

When a road gets baptised something called a 'functional reverse' occurs. Its all very complex and I don't expect you to understand it because you're all notoriously stupid. As such I won't bother explaining it in great detail. effectively though all the properties of the road are reversed. Instead of being black (awesome) they turn white (lametown). Instead of cars enjoying its smooth surface, cars grow fearful of them and refuse to start unless in thick woodland. Instead of draining rain off the roads start to collect rain in underground reservoirs called 'Barcleft-Poisonby Chambers' which they use later in the year for mischievous activities which differ from year to year but cock things up for everyone. Effectively everything goes to shit.

Next week we will do all the roads on continental Eurasia and Africa. Not as hard as it sounds as we actually just have to jump off the ferry in Calais and baptise the slip road.
Look at a map, they are all joined.

If it wasn't true would Tar'lor be celebrating so brazenly in a road like this?
He would not.
He hates celebrating and especially when he has to do it brazenly.
He means business.

Business.

("ooh ooh why are the roads not white in that picture and why is your car on it?" ooh ooh fuck off you slimy pedant.)

Politically Correct Sacrifice.

2010-08-18T01:40:00.000-07:00

"PRAISE SATAN, SACRIFICE BITCHES, PRAISE SATAN, SACRIFICE BITCHES, SACRIFICE BITCHES FOR SATAN YO. and smoke crack"

excerpt from a notorious BIG song that you haven't heard but does exist.

Whilst we agree with Mr Smalls when he puts forth his argument for worshipping Lucifer, we are in two minds about the latter half of his advice. And we certainly don't agree with the language he uses to describe the fairer sex. Its the 21st century now, not the 16th and women's place in society is equal to men's if not greater. As such the role of sacrificial victim is far beneath them, they're doing shit like being bank women and police women and lawyer women.

But sacrifices do need to be made, however it is possible to do this without resorting to sexism. You can do this by ensuring that everybody gets involved in the process and that everybody dies.
Not just the unfortunate female.

As ever, we provide a pictoral guide to show you how. Because you are useless cunts and need our help with everything apparently.

THE START

1. Find some slammin' chick who is damp for the Antichrist.

2. Try and light some candles. Fail because you are on a beach and its windy as a pair of tits.

3. Pose with the candles instead. Because fuck you is why.
"Maybe you won't be able to see that they're candles in the photo and we can say that they're Satan sticks or something?"
Yeah too late for that now.

4. Choke yourselves with the candles, think Satanic thoughts. Place the upside down cross somewhere suggestive.

5. Die.

THE END

We're dead. How'd you like us now?
As such, from now on I will only refer to 'us' in the past tense. I've not worked out how yet though.

Many thanks to our Lady of Lucifer JMC for choosing to end her life in such a degrading way with us (in the past).

NEXT WEEK; COMMITTING CRIME IN WALES - IS IT POSSIBLE?

"But don't pray with me, 'cos you're prayin' with fire"

2010-08-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

Unlike other deities who do sort of what they like, when they like in regards to answering prayers, our focus of worship not only makes everything we ask of him come true, but ensures that it is a huge exaggeration of what we wanted. Often taking it way out of hand.

This was true recently when we prayed for a fire, because the woods we are living in had gotten chilly. We had built a bonfire out of trees we had chopped down, however we were without a source of heat. Fortunately we knew one person/tormentor of souls who could help us, and gave the fucker a ring.

Here are all the trees we chopped down for the bonfire.

Here is Tar'lor celebrating the completion of the chopping.

Here is Bai' NarghmBuul praying for flame to light up our hard work and keep us warm.

Unfortunately the Antichrist was not immediate with granting our request. The next day, however, we were awoken by a series of painful and vivid hallucinations of Bruce Springsteen cassettes dancing in front of our eyes wherever we looked and telling us to head East. Head East we did and what we saw was a billowance* of smoke drawing us towards the magnificent work the Lord of the Underworld had created for us and us alone.

* "billowance" is a word invented & copyrighted by Bleedingoursouls inc.

The is the sight that tempted us from our woodland hideout to the badlands of North-Eastern Kent. Note how our camera has somehow picked up our hallucinations of levitating Bruce Springsteen tapes too. Technology is amazing.

We near the smoke and throw some horns to show whatever is on the other side of the hedge that we mean no harm. At this point we are 98% sure that it is some variety of Nether-Dragon.

But it ent. It are a field on fire with like 4 fire engines and about 40 firefighters fighting the fucker. (click to enlarge and play spot the fire engines, theres at least one in each picture)

We quickly thanked the Devil for his wonderful gift of flame and chaos, even though it was now not night and we were no longer cold. No need to look a gift horse in the mouth though, especially if said horse is a gift from your boss.

To show our thanks we threw horns at and around the fire.

Tar'Lor showing our visually impaired readers where exactly they need to look to see this 'fire' we have been talking about.

We stood and watched until the human scum managed to quell the Underworlds fiery magnificence beneath their water cannons of gaylordery* then we returned to our woodland lair to see what the human scum media had to say about the days events.

*'gaylordery' is a word invented and copyrighted by Bleedingoursouls inc.

click to enlarge, arse-scrapes.

They somehow knew that we indirectly had something to do with it, from this point on we knew we would have to keep a relatively low profile. They knew the power we possessed, and obviously they feared it.

NEXT WEEK WE BAPTISE SOME CHICK AND SHE LOVES IT.

Bleeding Castles

2010-08-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

Does that really work as a pun? Not quite. But if you try pronouncing castles like a Kentish oik would, a la 'Caar Sowles' then it does. So pronounce it in your head like that to make the pun work please.

Anyhow, much pent up evil and aggression rests in castles, ask any feng shui expert. A building designed to protect rich people from the poor stores negative energy in ways the meagre tree house we currently live in can only dream of.

No need to baptise these impressive contructions, then. Rather stand about in areas near them and use our oversized comedy cross as an antenna to channel the dark energy into our bodies and then power it into our tree house at a later date. Think of us as Satanic batteries. Except the only thing we power is mosh pits and awesomeness. Oh, and tree houses. Obviously.

Lo, and stand about near them we did.

You have to stand in areas where you think the most blood got spilled over the years or failing that anywhere that looks good when taking a photo. For some reason dark energy is channelled into scenic spots. This is why your Gran takes nine hours to take any photo, its because the Devil's influence is strongest in scenic spots where she wants to take photos and he tricks her into not knowing how the camera works/forgetting which button means' take photo' even though shes had the camera since you were born/being generally indecisive about when to press the aforementioned button.

This local fat person was so affected by the dark forces at work in the castle we accosted that his/her camera skills were reduced to point blank door photography. The worst type of photography. As we approached we could hear him/her muttering "what's going on, I want to take pictures of my family and friends, not close range pictures of these doors" and weeping softly. Nobody came to his/her aid. All knew that it was too late for him/her now.

Meanwhile our energy channelling was going so well that our Brother in Satanic activity started turning into a beige ghost. We informed him and he stopped, the power of the Anti-christ was strong here, we would have to take precautions.

Turning him around worked a treat, all the energy, none of the light brown spectre transformation.

This we assumed to be a very powerful area for darkness. We thought that many must have died here whilst passing through what we assumed was a classic medieval "Chomping arch." Which is of course an arch you try and run through but a big metal grill with spikes on comes down and chomps you up good.
Unfortunately after consulting one of the Castle Guides we were informed that "Chomping arches" were something that "didn't exist" and that we had "probably made up" as "Chomp doesn't sound like a very medieval word to me, boys".

We were then asked if we had paid to get in and where our tickets were so we fucking jumped back over the fence and cheesed it.

I hate myself and want to fry.

2010-07-28T12:26:00.001-07:00

You may have heard the term 'Deviled Eggs' and thought "I wonder what that means, I wonder if its some sort of egg based dish that is fully endorsed by Satan and created by his minions." Well you were correct to wonder and when you wondered you wondered correctly. Whilst 'Deviled Eggs' are indeed a Satanic but easy dish created as a breakfast snack by Satanists across the world, with a little training anybody could make it.

Thus today we are going to spread the love by showing you how to make the tricky treat.

First of all you need two people and an egg.

Write some incantations on the egg. We kept it 21st century and wrote our incantations in txt spk. This time round? "S8& 4 LYFE".

If you deem it necessary your second man can be eating a pot noodle. But we leave that up to you. Shouldn't change the taste of the egg too much.

Here is a cooker. You need one of these too.

You need to fry the egg on the hob and mutter whatever dark thoughts come straight to your mind.

Finish cooking the egg and magically the yolk is black and there is an upside down cross on the egg. Solely because of the incantations. Incantations are bloody powerful things. Make sure you make them extra evil or the yolk will just be grey.
Also ignore the paint in the background of that photo. It is unrelated. It has nothing to do with the egg. Ignore it.

To verify whether the egg is truly evil show it to a dog that has been baptised for Satan. If the dog likes it you have succeeded.

This particular evil dog gave the egg an astounding review.
In fact he offered us both jobs in his local evil restaurant, we had to turn them down because we suspected he was lying. I have never met a dog who owned and runs any restaurant, let alone a successful one.

S8& 4 LYFE

In other news we are thinking about starting a band called ANTIQUE RICED. We will do Satanic covers of early 90s pop songs. If you are interested e-mail us to commission a song.

Birding Our Souls.

2010-07-25T17:50:00.001-07:00

Birds. We all know 'em, we all hate 'em. They get up in your grill, chat shit and are generally bad for the environment. probably.

We found some in cages and some not in cages.

Some were awesome and some needed their faces baptised.

We threw the horns at the awesome ones and baptised the faces of the ones that were not.

here is photo-journalistic evidence of what I have claimed in the previous sentences.

You can't claim that this blog doesn't irrevocably prove everything it states in writing.

There are no birds here. This is an example of a situation where no action needed to be taken.

This bird is clearly a fucking fruit. Baptised.

This is a swan. Swans are notorious bastards. This swan is also black. Black is the most awesome colour. Conclusion? This swan is an awesome bastard. We told it to rock on. It had no time to give a shit as it couldn't fit it into it's busy schedule of being awesome.

Kookaburras. What are you doing here? We will baptise you because we don't trust your being here. What are you laughing about. Strange birds. Better off baptised for Satan. (so much is)

Wading birds, the rubbishest of all birds. Name one point in your long and tiresome life when you've thought "Thank god for wading birds, they have just improved my existence". Precisely. Never.

Doing them a favour by baptising them if anything. They could do with being more interesting.

A wading bird, but also black. We were torn between a baptism and a horn throw. We settled on no action, best play it safe.

White parrot? Obviously a baptism is in order. After the baptism it turned black with red eyes. No proof though because we forgot to take a photo.
Animals do this so regularly after we baptise them that its no longer a novelty for us. We often forget to take photos of it. shh.

This parrot is pink. and is literally climbing up the walls, the colour we may not agree with, but the actions we certainly do. If I could climb every wall I saw there is no doubt I would.

Fuck walls. Rock on you crazy parrot.

No reason really for this rock on. We just have a soft spot for ducks.

Ducks.

The Super Secret Danger Lair of Doom and Danger and Evil. and Danger.

2010-07-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Basically this whole thing happened where we all had fights with our respective mums and so decided "fuck this shit, this shit is whack" and eloped.

The fights were 'cos our mum's don't understand us and keep saying the candles in our room were a fire hazard and throwing out all the various animals skulls we were amassing. Oh, and kept telling us to get jobs.
If we've told them once we've told them a thousand times, Satanists don't have jobs.
Our malicious and odious ways do not lend themselves well to customer service or generally anything where you have to interact with other people in a manner that doesn't involve baptising them for Satan/covering them in blood/slowly bludgeoning them to death.

Anyway, because they didn't understand that we packed up our shit and left together.
Life on the road was tough, but we found a new home in some evil woods and built ourselves a residence there. The evil woods are much like normal woods except we live there now, which makes them evil. Oh also they are full of wood goblins. Yeah, that too.

This is our house, its awesome and you like it. Theres no electricity so we installed swings for entertainment. TV and Internet is for gays and homophobes anyway. We now write the blog with magic and sorcery. Nobody is sure how we do it but they're all very impressed that we do.

Its up in a tree for two reasons, one because its currently in fashion to have your house in a tree and we are slaves to architectural trends.

Secondly because wood goblins.
Fuck wood goblins.

If they think they're coming in our new gaff and touching all our shit with their rubbish goblin hands and stupid wooden faces they've got another thing coming.

Wood goblin cunt. Fuck this guy.

Grave New World

2010-07-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

Name a point in your life where you've walked through a graveyard and haven't wanted to stop and swear at all the crosses and mutter incantations under your breath calling upon dark forces to release the poor souls incarcerated in the earth. You can't can you? Well neither can we. And now that its the 21st century and you can't get burnt at the stake for doing such things why not just let your hair down and go wild the next time you wander through a cemetery or somesuch?

We thus present you with a guide for how to do so.

First of all how can you be sure you're in a graveyard?

Well there should be a bunch of gravestones about and probably a church. But sometimes it could just be some faggy art installation piece pretending to be a church/graveyard combo.

What you have to therefore look out for in order to guarantee you have the real deal is some skulls carved into something near by. Modern artists can't draw or carve skulls because skulls are too awesome for them and if they try to depict one they either fail or spontaneously combust.

We found a real graveyard. Here is Tar'lor with proof.

Look. Skulls. See?

So you've found a real graveyard. Now what? Well you have to bully the dead and especially the crosses they got tricked into being buried underneath. There is a slim chance if you upset them enough they will rise from their slumber and walk the earth effectively doing our bidding.

However for this to happen you have to annoy them properly.

Don't do this. It's far too casual. Also you aren't swearing in the right direction. At best you are only mildly inconveniencing them.

Neither should you do this. Its odd.

This is pretty standard. It'll annoy them. The sly use of both hands isn't necessarily a must but it adds a certain panache that the dead really appreciate/hate with a vengeance.

However there is, arguably, such a thing as too much panache. This is a minor example.
Two crosses successfully angered, but at the cost of you looking like a slight cock.

Example of aiming your sights too high. You can't annoy a whole church. Churches are notoriously chilled out.

You may think there's no need to creep up and surprise the dead and their stone monuments with some sacrilegious behaviour but in fact the dead are just as prone to being shocked as the rest of us. Skeletons are in a permanent state of shock, and there is no harm in surprising them more. They basically use their crosses like little periscopes to see what's going on upstairs. Keep this in mind and use your environment to your advantage, here we see a Disciple of Satan using the long grass to shield himself from view. Cunning.

OMG GAIZ WTF!!!?? SOOO HARSH!!!11

Tune in next week when we continue to talk nonsensical bullshit and illustrate it with pictures of us wasting time and money.

ASASB (all sheep are still bastards)

2010-07-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

As you may remember from previous posts we have a strong suspicion that Jesus has in fact returned to earth disguised as a sheep. We have many reasons for this suspicion, all of them tenuous, all of them mildly retarded. (as retarded as claiming that you can hear his voice in your head!? lolololo atheist joke lolo) However that hasn't stop us from donning our Baptising robes and heading out into the farmland of Kent to track him down and baptise the mother lovin' shit out of him.

Are any of these the Messiah? We will literally never know.

A noted and much lamented flaw in our plan to oust Christ from his woollen brethren is that we don't have any instruments to really prove whether or not any sheep is a sheep or Jesus incarnate. We are working on hunches here. Usually when people 'find Jesus' it changes them forever. Usually they become a bit gayer, have less sex before marriage, generally do less cool stuff like drugs and go to church more often. We were therefore working on the assumption that if any of us suddenly became boring and moral after coming in close contact with a sheep then it was probably JC in diguise.

These sheep clearly had no effect on Tar'lor. They are not Jesus.

One of the many questions you are probably asking yourself is; "Why are you searching Kent, England? Doesn't Australia have a far larger sheep population? Or even Wales. Why not search there?"

Well what you fail to observe is that we have to start somewhere and we've got no proof he isn't in Kent. If we started our search in Australia and he turned out to be in Kent - right on our doorstep - all along, how stupid would we feel? Really stupid.

Keep your suggestions to yourself.
Come back to us when you're a world famous Satanic Baptist and maybe we'll listen to you.

Long story short we didn't find him.
But there's so many more fields of sheep to search.

And he's out there somewhere...

Unless he's not a sheep and we're incredibly deluded.

But how silly are you going to feel if we're right.

"Why Telling Lies to Girls is the Right Thing to Do" - A Satanic Sociological Essay confirming what you always suspected.

2010-06-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hypothesis - Women, known as the 'fairer sex', are an enemy of Satanic values and traditions through being 'fair', full of empathy and compassion for their fellow humans and having an incredibly low tolerance for 'useless bullshit'. Unfortunately some of the core tenets of our particular brand of Satanism include being incredibly unfair, having no compassion for fellow humans or their acheivements and basically devoting our entire lives to useless nonsense like chasing planes about swearing at them and breaking into fields of sheep to baptise them for Satan. Unfortunately women make up approximately 50% of the Earth's population and as such we can forsee a time when they will come into contact with our operations in a manner that renders them useless, or more useless than they already are. Our dark plans have already experienced some sabotage attempts at the hands of females, the best example is our mums hiding our grave paint and capes and telling us to go get jobs and stop 'fannying about'. Our proposed solution is therefore to use 'Beard theory' to develop a series of lies that will;
A - Help us identify which women are malleable enough to not pose a threat and which are very intelligent and therefore a danger.
B - To see which lies work best when attempting to put a female off our case.
C - To see if, through knitting a complex patchwork quilt of lies and untruths, we may actually recruit females to fight on the side of the Dark Lord.

Equipment - Nothing but our wits and Imagination. Also a biro and a notepad. And some tea. And some of those really nice biscuits, I can't remember their name but on the advert theres a Panda thats in the mafia for some reason, know the ones?

Methodology - We combined what we already know about girls and Satanism with the hugely acclaimed 'Beard Theory' one of Maidstone's only home grown Sociological Theories, but nonetheless one that has made waves around the world. It is as complex as it is useful, but for the purposes of our study we shall be looking at the section that looks into why girls are statistically more gullible than boys. You see Women have brains that are on the whole better at absorbing and retaining information that they deem revelant to their interests, studies and social situation. This means that they also have a better analytical skill than men because they have to ascertain what information is relevant to retain, whether this be which books to read for a course, remembering the lyrics to their favourite songs or ensuring that they don't forget that so and so has been out with whatshisname and thus avoiding a social faux pas. Boys don't do this and as such, do worse in studies, often know less about something they are a fan of than a girl who is also a fan of it and are prone to make chernobyl sized social fuck ups when drunk.
However, males also have an unexplainable desire to accrue useless information about things they are interested in and yet at the same time things they don't really care about but think are cool, or think the story is interesting, or are just doing it because it is 3am and they can't sleep and can't stop wikipedia surfing. This means that men often retain a large auxilliary body of information that girls don't have because they didn't think it relevant, which of course it isn't. However this gives boys the upper hand. For example, a young lady may have a Master's Degree in French Literature, yet a boy with only one GCSE could make her look quite the beard with a statement such as "The capital of Romania is Rome." Now, due to this young lady's lack of back up knowledge, and because the lie sounds almost plausible to her analytical skills ,she will believe this and everybody will call her a beard.
If we apply this fatal chink in the female armour to Satanism we can see how a set of questions could be developed that would test to what degree a Girl is a beard in this respect and once tested, how to either fight off the intelligent ones or further entangle the beardish ones, possibly as future suicide bombers or something.
When girls and our Satanic activities have met in the flesh before, there has been one of three reactions;
- A mild distrust and bemusement (e.g from our seamstress)
- Anger and confusion (e.g our mothers)
- Mockery (e.g girl who saw us chasing sheep)
All three reactions connote a fundamental lack of understanding of what it is we're doing precisely, which in turn shows that Satanism is indeed one of those areas that has never seemed pertinent for study by the female mind and therefore an area in which they are ripe beards. In comparison, by the way, whenever our dads/brothers/men in the street have seen us they have either cheered or cried, showing that they know exactly what we're up to and know either to rejoice or fear for their lives.

Mild confusion - The Beard's Natural State of Existence

Results - To first identify what strength of overall beard you have on your hands we developed a ten step system of 'Beard Analysis.' This comes in the form of ten questions/statements, with each answered correctly (or incorrectly in this case) earning the beard a point.

1 - Tell Beard that 'claustrophobia' is the fear of Santa - One point if she believes this.

2 - Tell Beard that 'terrorist' is an ethnicity after 9/11 - One point if she believes this (and also you have a racist beard on your hands.)

3 - Tell Beard that the days of the week are all named after famous Cricketers from the 30s, John Tues, Thomas Wednes, Alan Thurse, etc etc - One point if she believes this.

4 - Tell Beard that the word 'Pub' is actually an acronym for 'Private Underground Brewery' because in the olden days people used to just go to places with cellars big enough to make beer and drink, and that over time these houses turned into the pubs you see today. And also that is why all old pubs have big cellars. - One point if she believes this.

5 - Tell Beard that the Univeristy of London have bred the first actual horse that is more than 100 horsepower, tell her that in ten years time they think they will have a horse that has more horsepower than a Ferrari. - One point if she believes this.

6 - Tell Beard that if you take an 8gb ipod with no music on it yet in one hand, and an 8gb ipod that has been filled with music in the other, you will be able to tell the remarkable difference in weight between the two. - One point if she believes this, Two points if you actually carry out the experiment and she thinks she can feel a weight difference.

7 - Ask Beard if she has heard of Hollywood and Bollywood (one point if she hasn't) then ask her if she has heard of the new film studios just outside London that specialises in Comedy that they have decided to call 'Lollywood' - One point if she believes this.

8 - Tell Beard that the famous Battle of Waterloo was fought right next to what is now Waterloo station in London, remark on how much we have to thank Wellington for at that battle and if it weren't for him defending Waterloo station then the French could have gotten trains to all over the UK and we'd all be speaking french. - One point if she believes this, Two points if she hasn't heard of Wellington or the Battle of Waterloo, Three points if she hasn't heard of Waterloo Station.

9 - Tell Beard that Rush Hour 3 is based on a true story but the other two films aren't. - One point if she believes this.

10 - Tell Beard that the earth was created in 7 days only six thousand years ago by an all powerful being who was apparently just bored, then two thousand years ago he had a son with a married woman who was also a virgin and the son became a carpenter and a magician and then he got killed but came back to life but then disappeared. Now this almighty being is somehow also his son, and also a ghost. - One point if she believes this, Two points if she belives it so much that every sunday she goes and sits in a big stone building with her eyes closed to think about it.

If your Beard got no points then she is both incredibly dangerous and also possible marriage material, keep her under close watch at all times, never allude to your Satanic activities. Ignore any advice/mockery she sends your way if she does find out about it as it is almost definitely an evil plan to make you not be a prick, and raise your kids properly or something. fuck knows. Loves knowledge. Poses huge huge threat. Do not trust.

Danger! Danger! High... Knowledge?

1-3 points. Standard beard, there will always be an area that they know little enough about in to fall for a well told lie. A beard of this calibre will often pick up on the fact they are being lied to if you try and do more than a couple of these aforementioned questions in a row. If they do then say 'Did you know glass is made of sand?' and smirk slightly as you say it, as if you are telling a lie. If they then think you are lying and that glass is not made of sand, give them another point. Poses mild threat, do not talk to about Satan, although if she does find out its by no means the end of the world. In all fairness with a bit of a chat they may even be on board for helping out and being a knob.

4-8 points. Heavy beard, will very likely know little outside of her area of study/interest, so easily tricked that you may feel bad doing so. Likely to believe you if you said that you saw a tornado in Catford or experienced an earthquake in the town she was somehow also in yet didn't experience. Poses little threat, if asked about Satanic activities can be fobbed off with lies such as "I'm doing street theatre" or "I'm doing a photoshoot for kerrang and shit, shut up mum"

8+ points. Oh sweet jesus, this is a beard of American proportions will know little about anything including her field of study/interest. Prime suicide bomber/Virgin sacrifice material, in many respects you will be doing the young lady a favour as there are many unscrupulous men out there that want to do worse things to a gullible girl than just sacrifice her in the woods and feed her still beating heart to cave demons. Poses the opposite of a threat.

A classic 8 pointer.

10+ points. Waste of semen. Has no idea what is going on. (pictured below)

Conclusion - Reviewing these results we find that one of the core beliefs of the fairer sex is good logic and not dabbling in unecessary and expensive dilly dallying. Therefore we must battle them using our confidence of knowledge in unecessary things and our own warped, shit Satanic logic. With this in mind we created a tonic out of spider's blood and drank it out of a £3000 crystal bottle. Our logic behind this is that it will aid our lying capabilities.
The logic is terrible. The results are sub par.
Women across the globe will be angry with this shit conclusion. If they are then we're winning.

Tune in next week when we'll be doing something or other, probably in the woods. Probably involving arson, actually.

Swearonautics

2010-06-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

"In camp at Kill Devil Hills, they suffered weeks of delays caused by broken propeller shafts during engine tests. After the shafts were replaced (requiring two trips back to Dayton), Wilbur won a coin toss and made a three-second flight attempt on December 14, 1903, stalling after takeoff and causing minor damage to the Flyer. (Because December 13, 1903, was a Sunday, the brothers did not make any attempts that day, even though the weather was good.) In a message to their family, Wilbur referred to the trial as having "only partial success", stating "the power is ample, and but for a startling gust of what looked like red mist blowing me off course and causing me to stall, the machine would undoubtedly have flown beautifully. Orville swears that this and all the other troubles we've experienced that have been such a source of consternation are the work of Satan. I told him to stop being a big gay and build me a better fucking aircraft.""
Excerpt from the Wright Brother's Wikipedia entry

Satan hates planes. We may as well come straight out with it. He hates them. He always has, and shows no signs of changing his mind. He doesn't really like anything that can fly, for you'll find that he is terribly jealous when you get to know him and has always been envious of God's angel's abilities in the air. It might be something to do with his subterranean demenour. The big man down below has a range of hell's denizens to call upon but few have any decent flying ability, even the ones with wings can only really muster a crappy glide from fiery rock to fiery rock. But then aeronautics and living underground have never gone hand in hand.
Beelzebub was always pretty chuffed that humans couldn't fly, it meant we were further away from heaven and also couldn't escape from him if he decided to come up and molest us. So it was a massive blow to his Unholiness when at the start of the 20th Century flight was invented. The inventors must have known of his hatred of their aspirations and so developed their dickhead aircraft in a town that Native Americans had cast spells on to keep all that is unholy out; Kill Devil Hills.

Pictured - Our least favourite town.

Lucifer has kept up a pretty successful campaign of hate and violence against the aeronautics industry since its inception, downing many early planes through possessing mechanics and ensuring they do crap metalwork and engine production. However people are more cynical now and Satan can't possess folk as easily anymore. He's had a couple of sucess stories of recent, for example this one time in 2001 where he got some guys to crash some planes into some buildings or something I think, but nobody really took notice. Planes are still out and about en masse pissing him off.
We've actually had more sucess than him, as you may remember earlier this year we baptised a volcano for the dark lord which grounded all western European air traffic, we got some badass medals for that particular endeavour.

Another problem we face in the eradication of aircraft is the increased knowledge all pilots have in defence against the dark arts. No pilot will admit to learning about this but they all do. They learn it in secret pilot school. Secret pilot school is exactly like normal pilot school but they all huddle round their teacher and he whispers the lesson to them whilst others keep watch in case any non-pilots come over to see whats up. At that point they start talking a load of fake pilot shit about windspeed and propellors and what their favourite cloud shapes are.

Pictured - Pilots having a secret lesson. Note the two lookouts pretending to be all chill.

So how can we battle these marvellous men in their flying machines?

Well one way is running around on the ground, shouting insults at them and throwing them the horns/giving them the finger.

At least this is the directive we've been sent from HQ (in hell), so far we're told it has an extremely low success rate and the only way to get the success rate up is to do it more. I think the logic is that if we get everybody down there out in the field doing it, eventually a plane will crash and we can chalk it up as being due to our efforts.

It's not excellent logic, but then excellent logic has always been somewhat abhorrent to our minds.

These are just two pictures of what so far has been a straight 72 hours of work.

We're very tired, planes are faster than running satanists.

We were told not to wear our capes because the pilots (knowledgable as they are in the dark arts) may spot us and fly in the opposite direction or something. However not having our capes on has sapped our powers to a degree and as such we haven't been the cause of even one plane crashing.

We're heading to Stansted tomorrow though, wish us luck.

Have you been affected by this post or the themes within it? Have you also had an unexplainable hatred of planes from a young age? Is a member of your family both a pilot and somebody you consider to be an uncontrollable turdcloth? Or do you just have a problem with Native American wizards casting spells that have locked you out your house? Get in touch with us and we will do our best to provide sound counsel!

'God Backwards' Soup

2010-05-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

Look at the current logic of the Anti-Christ Alliance we're living our lives by - and merely by observing, dear reader, so are you. Our logic is as follows; that which is holy must be reversed and upon being reversed shall become inexorably eviler. We have proved this logic by turning white crosses upside down, painting them black and, ‘lo, a Satanic implement is born.

Let’s go a step further with this knowledge. What would you say is the holiest thing? God? Correct. But we can’t turn god upside down or reverse him can we? Well a lesser man would say no, but we are not lesser and we’re not sure if we are technically men anymore either. As it says in the Bible;

“in the beginning was the word, and the word was with god, and the word was god.” John 1.1

Well as far as I’m concerned thats irrefutable proof that God is a word. And that the word that God is just so happens to be the word ‘God’.

Very convenient Christians. Very convenient indeed.

Anyway, if we get back on the boat of horribly skewed logic that means that one can reverse God and make him evil! How? By simply reversing the word! And what do we get? Dog!

From there it was a very simple mental step towards the realisation that if we were to make soup out of Dogs we may have the most powerful dark potion man has ever devised.

Thus we set about procuring the most evil dogs we could find to make soup from.

We called upon a friend of ours who ran an Asylum for Dogs that are too mentally unstable to even be put down, in case they come back as bastard ghosts. Our friend started the venture as a stable and pleasant 21 year old woman whose favourite musician was katy perry. However the nightmares of a thousand deranged canines seeping their way into her dreams over the years has warped her aesthetic and disposition somewhat.

Pictured - Her favourite band is now Gorelord.

She told us that two of the troubled hounds had gone missing and if we could find them then we could make soup out of them. The fact that she acted so unshocked about the fact that we were planning on making such a magical potion took the wind out of our sails somewhat as we though we were being badass and cool. She was above our bullshit apparently. But then again look at her, you would be hard pressed to shock that woman, she's seen things that would make even the toughest 'Nam veterans scoop out their eyes instead of risking seeing them again.

Anyway we went to look for the dogs...

We found them quickly because we're awesome. That and because Vice Chancellor S'harmuel Fihhn has a sixth sense that means he can find a dog anywhere. (usualy he pulls them too.) (whey-oh)

Heres one, on the top of bluebell hill, no doubt trying to guard the gate to heaven/hunt down the hellbeasts in the caverns to the side of the A229 that we explored only weeks previous. His name is Jasper, his favourite colour is black (ours too!) and when he grows up he wants to be that dog off the TV programme where some old woman flies a dog around in her light aeroplane and inexplicably shows dogs how certain factories work. (he had forgotten what it was called and so had we.)

Pictured - Jasper just after having fought some crime. awesome.

We reached a group decision that Jasper was too bodacious to cook, even if we would get super powers from him. So after a brief photo session and discussion we moved on to find the other dog that had escaped from the Asylum.

Once again Vice-Chancellor Fihhn found the offending canine with worrying speed and accuracy in some chick's back garden. This purveyor of woofs was called 'Rocco' and was as hard as his name suggests. He had in fact been sectioned, not because he was mad, but because he just loved fighting, everyone and everything and all the time. He was a fighting machine, there was such power here. He was pretty safe to us, told us his backstory, bitched about the state of the Asylum and its recent staffing issues due to the recession etc. But he was only safe because he didn't know we were going to make him into soup. But thats the case with most people, if you were to turn up to a party full of people you didn't know and announced your intentions to turn them all into a liquid meal you would make few friends, and i would seriously question the friends you did make.

Pictured - Rocco taking our attempts to restrain him in his stride

We breifly flirted with the idea of pacifying him by a quick Satanic baptism, which would hopefully fill him with evil intelligence, and enough for him to know that being made into soup would be good for the dark cause. However our attempts at holding the bugger down were met with furious strength and aggression. We had to act afterwards like it was all just a matey wrestle thing and that he had gone overboard and over-reacted.
He got embarrassed.
It got awkward.
He went inside to get a drink and never came back.
We accepted our failure.

So where did we go wrong?
If you are ever to attempt to make a potion that grants you the powers of Our Father who doesn't deserve to be in Heaven, hallowed be his name, then don't make the two major mistakes we did;

1 - Don't source your dogs from an Asylum for crazed fighting dogs.
2 - Don't then befriend both dogs.

Hope that helps guys, send any questions on the topic our way, we try and answer mail as quickly as possible.

Next Week - Tar'lor's guide to downing planes solely with the power of the mind.

Oh i do like to be beside the suicide.

2010-05-22T03:50:00.000-07:00

A dark day for all when the ocean itself rises up against our master, a dark day for all.

we're not exactly sure what the sea did because, as ever, we never get any memos from hell.
what we are sure of is that Satan got pretty fed up with the sea's shit (haven't we all) and decided to paint it black. and in one of the nicest bluest parts, the gulf of mexico. He did so by combining two of his powers; control of all things under the earth's crust, in this case oil. And his control of the darkest and most slovenly of the Oil companies, in this case BP, which few know actually stands for Bastards and Parties, for if you join his evil ranks you are a bastard, and he rewards your ill deeds with, like, endless parties. This too is a bonus as it means the whole operation is run very sloppily on account of everybody being hungover as fuck/out and out drunk.

The 'disaster'/victory has three main obvious merits:
1- Black things are more Satanic.
2- Fuck the south eastern american coastline.
3- Everything that lives under the ocean is far too chirpy for our liking and must be punished.

Pictured - Local bastard.

To encourage the further destruction of ecosystems and with the vague hope that Satan would see it fit to turn the entire sea black we went and performed a Baptism on the North Sea. We chose the north sea as we knew it had oil deposits and also it wasn't that big. the Atlantic would have been crazy, we just ain't that powerful yet (calm it ladies, i know you think we're, like, these mega dark warlocks and stuff but we have our limits). The Black sea is pretty famous for already being black so there was no point in that shit. We also considered the Caspian but then it turned out that the flights to Baku were a tad too expensive, also Tar'lor is banned from Azerbaijan for reasons we won't go into (some say dog rape, others say 'shh').
Thus we just got on our bikes and went to Sheppy, this is doubly useful as it borders the North Sea and is also a font of such evil few stray there and return with any of their money, mobile phones or teeth.
We didn't really know how to baptise the sea so we just faffed around near it.
the following pictures will shock and astound.

Pictured - 'dunno really'

Pictured - 'Yeah fuck it that'll do'

Pictured -'fuck you sea, in the name of all that is damned'

Pictured - 'someone get me down i'm scared'

Shortly afterwards the sea turned black as a ps3 (a black ps3) and we all went home for crumpets and dancing.
here is proof of the aforementioned statement;

'hey but that doesn't prove anything. those are just three unrelated pictures you've lazily googled, i am tempted to argue that the North sea hasn't turned black at all and you aren't warlocks, but liars'

I am getting pretty fed up with your shit, Disembodied Voice of Criticism. If you don't seriously start curbing all this nonsense i am going to have you gassed.

31st Annual Bob Marley Remembrance Service & Rat Burial

2010-05-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

Pictured -Artist's impression of Bob Marley today.

We gothic servants of Lucifer are not so much unlike you normal, colour wearing folk. Every year on the anniversary of Bob Marley's death, just like you, we offer his ghost a rat's corpse 3 minutes after midnight. We merely (bob merely) do it in a more satanic way, praying that Bob Marley remain in the VIP lounge in hell, jamming with all the other people who preferred the warm, drug filled caves of hell over the boring clean marble corridors of heaven, where the only thing to look forward to all week is christian bingo.
(its like normal bingo but more boring because everybody wins and you can't smoke or swear and theres no cash prize)
As with your traditional normal human method of celebrating the passing of Robert Nesta Marley you must first accumulate 5 people who are all ready to shed a tear and bury a rat.

Here are our five, notice the far away look in their eyes, you can guarantee that a black metal version of 'One Love' is playing on repeat in their heads and that they are imagining themselves on a Gothic version of a tropical beach. For those of you not intitiated into the way of the dark imagination; imagine pitch black palm trees with spiky coconuts full of blood, and the sand is black and instead of crabs there are whip spiders.

Pictured - Gothic Crab

The next thing you must do to satisfy The Marley's lust for rat flesh is to dig a hole in preperation for the sacred rituals. Thats right. A hole. No swinging the rat round our heads in an old sainsbury's bag until the ghost of Marley comes and rips it from our hands like you fucking pencil pushing normal people. Our hole is in the midst of a pentagram with candles at the five points of Karlok, but obviously that goes without saying, thats the case whenever we dig a hole.

Here you notice where things really start differing from the traditional ways of celebrating Marley's passing. Whilst two start digging the hole, the fifth of our number(usually male), has to dress up like the 'Ghost of Dark Christmas'. The Ghost of Dark Christmas is a pretty shoddy ghost and easy to dress up like, as he is just a sheet with a black cross on him. He's one of the earth's oldest ghosts, from back in the day when people were much much easier to scare.

Once the pit of rodent rastafarianism has been cut into the soil the means of calling upon the Dark Prince Marley can begin...

Start with the standard salute to Satan, just to clear the runway with the big man down there. This is possibly unecessary as Robert will have been all over the earth this night eating the bodies of rats handed to him both by Satanic soldiers like ourselves and disgusting normal people who are only sacrificing to him because they do not want his reggae music desecrating their childrens ears and the sauces in their cupboards.
(there are some unconfirmed reports that some sauces have already turned reggae, some twice.)
Anyhow its always prudent to start proceeding with a salute to 'he who cannot be any other colour but red'.

After this the sermons start;

This year new topics that were touched upon included our acknowledging Bob's eternal place in our hearts and soul, a request for his autograph when we get to hell and another request for a good reference from him so maybe we get into the VIP section too. Then there was also the standard talk about Satan's eventual rising because of the eventual military domination of the world that Jamaica will acheive thanks in no small part to Marley's patriotic words in the call to war; 'Get up, Stand up'. This is a long way off unfortunately but with Usain Bolt we have already had a sneaky peek at the prowess of their shock troops. I am as scared as i am excited.

The rat was then buried in his cellar of jah.
Satanists bury the rat as it is easier to reach from hell if it is in the ground. It saves Dark Prince Marley having to fly around the planet to collect his meal, which he has to do in chains for some reason unbeknownst to anybody. This pain in the arse for Marley's ghost is famously illustrated in Charles Dickens' prediction of the future; 'A Christmas Carol'

Then cannabis scented candles are lighted and the 5 satanists slowly collapse into a deep slumber...
Only to awake four hours later at about 5am. One of the young disciples of the underworld has heard the earth being rummaged through by something that sounds like the spiritual embodification of a sweet carribean lullaby.

The rat has been taken, Lord Marley's thirst for blood has been quenched...

Dismayedstone ; A Town of Hate

2010-05-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

"It starts with one thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It's so unreal"

From the audio lecture; 'In the End' by the philosophers Linkin Park

In the shadow of the infamous North Downs lies a terrifying hamlet of pain and economic mismanagement called Maidstone. It has a church which has the biggest wooden roof of any church in the UK, also softmints were invented there, a classic example of the malice to waft forth from this bastardly conurbation.
Also we come from there, which certainly points toward the fact that the Devil has had his eye on this, the county town of kent, for some time.
Yet as tight as Lucifer's grip may seem on this historic river town, it has not been consolidated. The river stills flows towards the sea instead of backwards. and it is still full of water instead of virgin blood. On top of this there are rumours that the crown courts have been handing out life sentences for murder, instead of Satan's preferred punishment; being immersed up to your eyebrows in a box of angry and confused barn owls until dead.

Pictured - Artists impression of the Crown Courts under the yoke of Satan. (the people are covered in silly string, which they are upset about)

To really ensure everything in Maidstone goes as darkly as possible, we have to metaphorically piss in god's metaphorical barbecue. This is performed through burning down his headquarters in the area, the uberchurch.

Without hesitation we burnt it down.
We used petrol and firelighters, in the future we will stick to petrol, in retrospect the firelighters were unecessary.

Pictured - Our Father who art in heaven getting his shit ruined.

Once you've done that you need to go find the place in your town where the town's name has been sculpted in 6 foot high letters. (if your town doesn't have this somewhere then its not a town, its a village. if you live in a city the letters need to be 12 foot high)
When there peform a default Satanic baptism, you all know how to do this by now, and finish it off by jumping over the fuckers.

Maidstone now had its name changed to 'Dismayedstone' and everybody in it immediately grew horns and started rocking out to Cannibal Corpse. Satan was pleased. Everyone in Dismayedstone was closer than ever before, meeting everyday to rock out, smoke cigars and burn down churches in the vicinity.
Oddly enough they all voted Tory, though.

Pictured - a local Dismayedstone family celebrating a birthday.

Fellowship of the Wrong - part 2.

2010-05-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

"Fuck 'gro. in those days everybody was on K. Do you really think i would have convinced Sherpa Tenzing to climb that huge assed bitch without me spiking his drink with about a gram? of course not! Fuck, when he got home to his family he didn't even know he'd climbed Everest, he thought he'd been talking to Mormons in a well for three days! Look, if you're going to get involved with a crazy vendetta against nature, you're going to need some drugs. Either that or a really serious partnership with God... or... y'know, him down below."
Edmund Hillary in 'Everest and Me', 1965, pg 133

And after the bank holiday (it applies to Satan's minions too) continues the story of two lowly servants of the Dark Lord of the Underworld carrying out a simple damage evaluation reconnaissance mission to file with the insurace department in Hell. We had both already overcome the white chalk cliffs that embodied God's vengeance against our ongoing plan to keep Jesus well out of Maidstone and the Weald in general.
(it was universally accepted that if Jesus ever managed to get to Tunbridge Wells our mission was a failure and we should burn all the documents pertaining to evil then shoot ourselves in our underground bunker.)
We had only just entered the Valley of Forgiveness that Odin/Allah/God had created when we came across what looked like normal woods, upon entering however we breathed a sigh of relief. These weren't those fucking pissy McGaylord woods you see in Disney films. Instead of the animals helping you with your housework, the ones residing in these woods were more likely to cook an overly complex meal that used more pans and pots than necessary, then would leave the washing up in your sink and fuck off. Yeah, these woods were dark.
Before long we came across signs that confirmed our blackest hopes and dreams.

Above is a picture of one of our Malicious number, standing in front of Dark signs sprayed onto trees with demon blood, which is black. As i'm sure you can all see he carries with him a can of spray cream (half fat) which was one of the few supplies we managed to grab before the pack mules took off in fear. We pushed on and found much more interesting signs of Lucifer's touch in these woods.

Pictured - Tar'lor presenting a Goblin Den

Our old friend the Goblin den makes an appearance, as any good follower of the heathen faith will know, a goblin den is only ever about 4 nautical miles away from a demon cave. Since the Demon Safety and Salience Act 1986 came in under Thatcher theres always had to be a band of lesser evil spirits/monsters protecting the big boys. Goblins live in trees and eat moths, the ones of this tree weren't in but you could clearly see their family name above the door and the standard petrine crosses along the sides of the entrance. The family name 'Evil' is to Goblins what 'Smith' is to the English. There was also a tit load of dead moths around.

We pressed on for another two days and eventually came to the sight we had been travelling so long without water or non-can based food for.

A Demon Cave.

Pictured - FUCK.

We knew we were close when all we could hear for the 4 hours preceding our discovery of the cave was the sound of people being raped and eaten... dark right? Actually the demons play it over huge loudspeakers to ward off any trespassers. Although i don't doubt that a fair amount of people have been raped and eaten in the past few days near the area. We saw alot of Demon semen (which is black) speckling the ground we covered, and lots of blood (which is red), suggesting a number of rape 'n' eats.
The cave itself was small but deep, fortunately we didn't actually have to deal with any demons as they were all out doing demon business, which at the moment involves turning invisible and whispering in prominent politician's ears funny things to say that will fuck up their election prospects. We've heard recently that GarNath K'goure scored a fucking touchdown by managing to get Gordon Brown to say something about a bigoted woman, we don't know the full details as we've been traversing a ravine for over a week.

Regardless of the lack of demons we took some photos and generally enjoyed our lives.

Pictured - one of the clauses of the Demon Safety and Salience Act 1986 was that all demons should have their abodes clearly signposted, as many are short sighted but don't enjoy the benefits of NHS Opticians as they have dual passports, between Hell and the UK.

You may scoff but for us this is like walking round Buckingham palace or the X factor or some shit. Fuck. I don't know what you humans like.

Next week - We come round your house and set it on fire in the name of Beelzebub.

The Fellowship of the Wrong - part 1.

2010-04-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

“There is an old French proverb that goes ; ‘if life gives you haemorrhoids, deliberately mistake them for grapes and attempt to make wine from them.’ I think what it is trying to convey is that if god gives you a shitty situation, deliberately attempt to make it far more painful and time consuming than he ever could - thus making him look a fool. Shucks, it may as well be the slogan all you little Anti-Christs march under”

Introduction to Max Weber’s “Satan’s Little Helpers”, published 1847, pg iv

We awoke the other day and read our favourite local publication, the downs mail, to discover that something had gone awry with our normally fantastically evil world; god had caused an earthquake on bluebell hill, creating a huge ravine, through which Jesus could march triumphantly into Kent and have all Christians hail the event as the second coming. At which point we’d be out of a job. Fucking immigrants, coming down here (from heaven) taking our jobs. SHIP ‘EM HOME.

However there was a dark blood encrusted lining to this otherwise horribly silver and holy cloud. The reporter for the Kent Messenger, whilst investigating the chasm created by Allah, had been raped and eaten – we presumed it to be the work of demons.

pictured - (you’ll need to click to enlarge) the newspaper story that alerted us, the downs mail continues its usual cavalier attitude to the loss of human life by having the story on page 9, only a few stories away from one about the fact that the snooker club on buckland hill is thinking about turning the back part into a take away. Which is actually pretty interesting/useful, i’d be into that on a drunken walk home, wasn't it a corner shop for like a month or something? Anyway i’m rambling

So we set off, packing only what we needed to meet those far higher up in command to us, and if it did turn out to be the work of some other force, baptise it for Satan as it would clearly prove to be a powerful ally. We would also have to assess the damage done to blue bell hill and file a report with HQ (Hell Quaraffarkkk) on how likely a Second coming now was.

Our only worry was that we are so low down the Satanic chain of command, granted the Big man has asked us some personal favours, but as of yet we don’t know how much we’ve pleased him. Without his support those demons could be very horrible to us, at best they would be uppity, at worst they would rape us then eat us – then throw us up to rape us again – then re-eat us.

We were also down a man, as it was SickNoose's Mums birthday that weekend and he had gone to Calais. We have been assured by text that all major Supermarkets in Calais have now been cursed, as has EuroCity.

Pictured - us just before setting off,we had just gone over our plans in a local cafe. The old woman behind us has heard and is screaming for somebody to stop us. Nobody does.
Bleedingoursouls -1 Old Crone - 0

So the journey began, we went up to the edge of the chasm wrought into the earth by the Lord of the foolish believers. (foolish in that they believe he is their salvation not that he doesn't exist, he does, we've seen him, he's massive)
To mark the fact that this was likely the nearest thing we'd ever come to seeing the grand canyon we took a tourist snap. Sir Tar'lor got so excited he forgot to don his cloak of eternal resentment, a crime for which he was later flogged. He has been known to do this. He only just got away without being flogged when presented to the Infernal Council last tuesday for covering himself in pink tie dye, as you can see from the picture his run in with them hasn't put him off.

He says it's 'summer chic'.

Climbing into the pit of holy vengeance was as hard as it was calamitous and we lost almost all our pack mules on the first slope, the rest got piss scared after see the fate of the first lot and scarpered, taking with them all our water and rations.

Also thats why theres no pack mules in any of the pictures.

However we have the power of satan within the palm of our hands and knew if only we kept the horns thrown for the duration, we would be safe.

Pictured - Bai Narghmbuul rocking that slope like its 1899
(hold up it is) (No it isn't, will smith)

Finally we reached the bottom of the cavernous slit in the chalk based earth of north Kent.
Many had died trying to just get to this point, many had died after getting past this point, and in far far more horrid ways.
Fortunately, we weren't on the same side as those mere mortals, and with the power of the horns we would discover much yet...

To be continued, mother fucker.

Satans Shocktroops

2010-04-26T15:55:00.001-07:00

[SERVING SUGGESTION - LISTEN TO THE FOLLOWING WHILST READING THIS POST; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjvqY-U9gV0 IT WILL HELP]

You know how it is. We've all been there, you're chilling with your comrades in death when you get a call from the big man, the horned one, our Lord of Catastrophe telling you to make a mobile evil conversion squad.

BAM - WE'RE ON IT BRAH.

As any of our avid readers know, the Devil loves shitty construction work, as it causes accidents, generally creates mental strife and really pisses off that guy on Grand Designs. With this in mind, we dug out a super awesome bike with flame designs sporting a huge back wheel, and tied an upside down cross to it. minimum effort, maximum respect from lucifer.
To power up the demon-cycle you have just created with malicious energy, you need to pose awesomely next to it.

The more your cape floats majestically in the midday sun the better.

We then tested it out with the following things (that Satan had told us to aim for) in mind;

1-It looking a bit shit - Shoddy workmanship = Satans strength.

2-Maneuverability - in order to be able to do a quick stop and baptise whenever necessary.

3-How badly it fits into suburban england - if we don't stand out like sore thumbs in middle england then people might not see us, and to be baptised properly you need to see the deathmobile in all its glory.

4-It sounding terrifying - to ensure this we added boomboxes (that Satan gave us straight from hell) to the back that just pump out carmina burana ridiculously loudly (p.s you can't see them in the picture because they are invisible because they are from Hell and are magic.)(p.p.s shut up)

5-How easy it is to throw the Horns whilst riding - Self explanatory, any true follower of the Dark Master of Souls knows how absolutely necessary it is to be able to throw the horns whilst on every mode of transport.

pictured : The new speedy version of Satan's Wrath filling out all 5 of his demands

Did we do a good job? fuck yeah we did, well, we reckon so. there wasn't actually anybody around and social awkwardness dictates that its bad form to knock on some old lady's door and ask 'if we can check the baptising power of our doomcycle' so we just tried speed baptising on each other.

it worked well.

it worked so well.

so well that KilledBones did an ollie into a skip.

You have to be pretty full of the power of Beelzebub to be that gnarly, and we would know. We're experts.

The Fowl Stench of Doom

2010-04-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

- lo, and God spake unto the Devil 'What doth thoust think of my creation, Devil?' and the Devil did respond, 'I don't know, its all pretty gay, especially the chickens.' -
Corinthians 22.7

Lets get one thing straight - Satan loves it when you chastise chickens, or any animal for that matter, through the medium of derogatory puns. Nobody knows why, and lord knows he isn't telling us anytime soon, but he does. He gets a huge unholy boner for it. Thus; as his loyal and meek servants/slaves, we set off to give him some jollies.

You can find chickens anywhere in Kent, they're literally all over the shop. Big cities probably prove a challenge for chicken seekers so you might have to drive til you see fields. We found some in a garden. Standard.

We started with some classics, calling them 'Clucking bastards' and 'Fowl smelling' then told them to 'peck off', (they didn't) - Textbook stuff.
We then had to start thinking outside the box with such jewels as 'egg-stremely rubbish', 'chi-cunts', 'you're a cock, no literally that is how people would describe you' followed by asking them if they even knew what snow was through the bars of the gates and bullying them for not knowing when we got no response.

The birds seemed nonplussed by the whole affair, and we were running low on puns.
So we regrouped.

The next tirade was of questionable quality if our aim was to insult them, really;
"Luke! I am your Feather"
"Cocker-smell"
"Oi Tracy Beaker"
"You're a cock-a-doodle-donut, pal"

...the whole episode was kind of a low point in our careers.

pictured - A cockerel not being bothered.

To make up for our shabby performance on upsetting them as entertainment for the Great Lord Beelzebub we quickly baptised them for the Dark Cause and ran off. Leaving nobody the wiser.

Nobody that is... but the chickens. (who are now evil)

Next week - Satan's Opinion on Bikes.

Hate/Fan Mail

2010-04-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Right, so obviously we're getting pretty big now, so big that we've been getting a fair amount of mail and some pretty regular themes and questions just keep cropping up.

1 - "Are you guys real satanists? I'm Christian and pretty offended by all this."

Literally, are you retarded? Look at the pictures, look at what we're doing in them. Read one of the posts. Does it look like we're real Satanists? Yes. It does. Look up satanists in the encylopedia brittanica and you'll see a picture of us with our balls out in a church and NOTHING ELSE. As for you being offended. good. that means we're doing our jobs properly, the dark one will be pleased and grant us further powers. Your grief is our strength.

2 - "Can I join?"

No.

3 - "You guys seem pretty mean and tough all the time, but are you actually nice guys?"

Interesting question, whilst on the outside we may seem as dark as a january night, in fact we are all very pleasant chaps. To prove it here are a series of photos of us enjoying nature;

4 - "How did all this start? When will it stop?"

Well we all used to be pretty staunch christians/muslims/hindus/hippies but then one day we all literally at the same time, even though we were all in different houses, had the exact same dream, where Lucifer, looking an awful lot like he does in the Tenacious D "tribute" video walked up to us and said "look I need a favour" all three of us woke up at the same time. Even though Satan had been vague at best about what he wanted, somehow we all knew the sorts of things that would please him, and immediately constructed outfits and attitudes. As for your second question, we don't know, we're actually worried we won't live to see the completion of the Dark Lord's malevolent plans.

5 - "You guys are hot, I want to date you. btw I am a smoking babe"

Tubular. keep it to yourself, toots. The Dark one is the only thing/person we need in our life. We're not gay though. We just love him so much we really don't have time for you.

6(66) - This photo was sent in anonymously;

We don't understand. But we really appreciate the sentiment. Keep up the good work soldier.

An Unholy Backfired Plan

2010-04-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late nature of this post, we did have a number of evil schemes to enact and display this week but something terrible has happened, through entirely fault of our own, one of our brothers in malice is stuck on an island. and to make things worse the island isn't even evil, its actually rather pleasant, which as you can imagine is absolute torture for him. poor creature. How did your satanic traditions get you into such a pickle!? I hear you all cry. well, basically we were up in Iceland a few weeks ago, maxxin' relaxxin' etc and we were informed a volcano had gone off nearby. well, as per, when informed of pretty much anything happening anywhere we went and baptised it for satan;

Above is an actual photograph of that fateful day in march.

This caused the volcano to go from being a pretty chill normal volcano, to being a font of Lucifer's angry jealousy at the world. And what is the Dark Lord most jealous of? Well the angels' (and now mortals') ability to fly, so he sent up a huge plume of silica based smoke which choked all the angels to death and also just happened to ground the vast majority of air travel in northern and western europe. This in turn has lead to our cousin in catastrophe being stuck on Jersey, and has to get an 8 hour boat back instead. A nightmare for us and the wider cause of further darkening this otherwise airy fucking fairy world.
On the plus side, the english channel hasn't been baptised for Satan yet...

Really stupid dogs and how to deal with them : A Satanic Guide

2010-04-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

Lucifer is, on the whole, pretty chill when it comes to dogs, he has one of his own with three heads (wait a second isn't that Greek mythology? NO. it's not. Shut the hell up). He also knows that they're on the whole too stupid to cause him any harm by being holy, conducting small church services and whatnot. Even the most intelligent breed of dog, the border collie, just wants to play catch the whole time. One of the stupidest breeds however, the Basset Hound goes full circle and starts serving the most holy of holies by causing its owners and those around its owners to start praying to God for a more intelligent dog. Therefore, a good satanist should accurse any specimen that crosses their dark path which will imbibe him with some of The Unholy Accuser's malicious intelligence. Usually not much malicious intelligence, but maybe enough to stop pissing in the house when the door is open and he can clearly see the bloody door is open. ffs.

We come to our photographic guide to how to accurse a stupid dog. The dog we are using is called Alfie, although giving him a name was a fairly pointless endeavour because he is too stupid to recognise or respond to it.

Step 1 - Approach stupid dog with the sign of our holy condemnation; The inverted cross or 'Cross of St Peter'

He ran away. The force is strong with this one. Maybe we have underestimated him.

Usually we would go onto Step 2 - Recite the unholy incantations calling upon the dark one's malevolent cunning to fill our subject. However we're going to have to return to step 1.

Its looking good, but then whilst carrying out step 2 our Brother in Evil pulls a scary face and alfie runs away again.

After much consternation and discussion The servants of the Lucifer come up with a fool proof plan to keep the dimwitted canine in one place long enough to finish the incantations. Once done we watch as smoke rises from the earth and engulfs the animal, when the smoke clears the once stupid dog is now... slightly less stupid.

Step 3 - Wait and see if the Dark lord's intelligence has had enough of an effect that the dogs owners no longer call upon the aid of the Almighty. If not; rinse and repeat.

We are currently still in Step 3. It was looking good for a while but a minute ago he attacked an inanimate object, the sofa, with some pretty intense ferocity then pissed in the hall so things aren't looking good. We're about to get our rinse on.

Next week - Fuck Nature.

ASAB (all sheep are bastards)

2010-04-09T01:53:00.000-07:00

You may remember from a variety of hymns/stained glass windows/shit christian cartoons on channel 4 on a sunday morning that Jesus was referred to sometimes as "The Lamb of God." Well this is argued by some Theological Academics to be because Jesus was literally a sheep. If you read the bible you will notice that at no point does it specifically say "Jesus was not a sheep." By this logic the second coming could have already happened and we would never know, you could be wearing a wool based product right now made from the holy bastard's hair (and he was a bastard as God and Mary were not married, fucking hypocrites). Anyhow, as you may know we make up the legion of the Dark Lord Beelzebub and must stop all light from the saviour Jesus Christ reaching the masses. With this in mind we ran to the nearest field of woolly pricks and baptised them for Satan. Y'know, just in case one of them was Jesus. You can never be too careful.

Unsurprisingly, the sheep did not exactly welcome our advances. Whether this is because The Parable teller himself was amongst them or just because their farmer is not a Satanist and as such they were unaccustomed to men with dark robes and crosses approaching them, we will never know. What we do know is that this is not the last they, and by they i mean their species as a whole, will see of us.

Next week - Baptising a particularly unintelligent dog.

Feline Conversion

2010-04-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

As we all well know, cats, and especially kittens, are enemies of Satan's overarching plan to make the world a rubbish place to live, due to their apparent 'cuteness'. Obviously we are immune to such feelings and just regard them as a thorn in the side of our dark intentions. The only way to stop their rampage of holy mischeif is to baptise them for the Dark Lord, which somehow makes them evil. (the dark lord doesn't tell us much, we just do his bidding we don't ask questions alright?) One particularly cute and therefore powerful specimen is a kitten called 'Darcy'. Needless to say he was the first to feel the fiery warmth of Beelzebub's gaze.

Baptism in the middle of the road is a must. As obviously dark energy is strongest in the middle of roads, which is why people are so prone to swear at one another when driving.

After the conversion to the Dark One's bidding darcy changed his name to 'Dark See' which we all approved of, also his eyes went like pure black. It was fucked up. We don't have a photo of that though because he ran off, presumably with evil in mind.

More satannic rituals coming soon.

And so it begins...

2010-04-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Twas the day before the anniversary of the resurrection of our nemesis, Lord Jesus of Nazareth, when we, three dark souls became aware of the malicious powers we posessed. It was as if we had gotten up a day early to beat Jesus. We did so by casting Evil spells on the county of Kent. Which everybody knows is the favourite English county of Jesus. (his favourite in Wales is powys, because its the biggest)
Our band of evil sorcerers-come-knights of the apocolypse-come-general bastards consisted of;

Lord Jarck Bai Narghmbuul.
Dark guardian of the realm of CaRageBreak Drivel, a cold and fruitless place also regional evil manager of the North and South Norfolk regions.

Vice-Chancellor S'harmuel 'Sicknoose' Fihhn.
Denier of Holocausts, Creator of foul feelings, owner of a rat called Zissou the Furry one. Our destructor of all things good for the South Western Region, often seen near stonehenge desecrating bibles.

Sir Jarquarhim 'KilledBones' Tar'lor.
Corrupter of Virgins, Toaster of Bread, Creator of Anguish. A regular font of malice, Jarquarhim guards the well known gates to heaven just off the A229 to make sure any angels don't get out and make Maidstone less shit.

Obviously, with Jesus on his way the next day we had to cast some spells to make sure he couldn't get out of heaven and come bowling down bluebell hill to catch a train from Maidstone East where he was due to stop a riot at some dark place called the "Trugh Marn Brewery" on brick lane.

First you must cover the floor near where jesus is set to pass through with evil silver crosses, they are much like normal silver crosses, but shoddily made. Sub-par workmanship is one of Satans greatest skills, and we all know Jesus was a very skilled carpenter, the bastard. Then to seal the deal you must urinate upon a black upside down cross (also made with minimal effort/skill) to call upon Satan's guardians of the waypath to stand in the middle of the A229 with a sign saying closed, so jesus goes home.

Tune In next week when we will bully one of the Vatican's most feared allies; a kitten called Darcy.